So What

There is supposed to be a "so what" factor in my essay for English class. It's far easier on paper to understand than in life. But in life those "so what" factors are so crucial. I wish people would just try once to move beyond themselves. I wish they could just challenge themselves every once in a while. I don't want to continue my silent treatment. I want to rejuvenate my friendships. I want to restore the spirit of my rapports, but I am closing off until I feel like I know what is real. I cannot continue to live a lie. I cannot continue to change myself for the inclusion of others. I cannot continue appealing to others. I am breaking the cycle as painful as it may be. I am ending the pity when I see it, by ignoring it. And until those who really want to maintain their friendships with me can stop the pity and be real with me, I cannot accept them as real friends.

I am not ending any friendships. But I am putting everything into perspective. I realized last week that I have been pushed around a lot, mostly by my own doing, so that I could fit in with a particular group. But I want to be freed. I want to know if I can trust my friends. I want to know if they are not just amicable and actually care about my welfare. I have made many mistakes with my friendships, but I have also put a lot of passion into them. I just want some of the same care I put into my friendships towards me. If it doesn't happen, that's life, but I am ending the cycle of pity once and for all.

I'm sorry if this seems incredulous and mean. I don't mean it to be that way. But if you can move past that and understand the point, or even try to understand the point, you are maturing. There is no simple solution and I have no task to be accomplished. But I know who already has succeeded and who has tried but failed. If you want to give up be my guest, and I will gladly restore the lame friendship I had. But I need to move forward, and I need to know who will accept that.

Yes, this is stupid. But we all need to be stupid before we can become wise.

This is me searching for that "so what" factor in life. It's very difficult and I'm not even sure where I am going, but I know what isn't right, I just don't know what is.

"Did It Again" - Shakira



I feel like I can relate to Shakira. Just a bit.