Careful, Carefree, Care

The past twenty-four hours have been thought-provoking and incredibly self-introspective.

It all began with the before party. The awkward trivialities. The special fancies. And the beauty of the place muffled by all the discomfort and exclusion.

The dance. Continued awkwardness. Continued exclusion. Hopeless at times. Then the play "Gasolina," finally a song I can enjoy. I break out of my shell. I dance without a care for what people think. I forget all the judgements. I forget the exclusiveness of the Asians. I forget the awkwardness of the random people I see or my date. I forget the feelings of misery, self-pity, and loneliness. I just dance. "Good Girls Go Bad," "Whatcha Say," all these songs just make me feel free for those moments of pure joy. I forget so much pain. I forget so much by just dancing. Lady Gaga makes so much sense.

The after party. Thank god. Relaxation. Slight pain from dancing. But free. Free of fear. Free of discomfort. Surrounded by friends. Warmed with light-hearted conversation, Taboo, and apple cider. The songs play, but I am no longer in the heat. I am on the sofa. Being myself. Being happy. The stresses of life disappear. And I can BREATHE. I can be ME. I don't pretend to be someone who I am expected to be. The expectations fly away. The fears melt. The judgments disintegrate.

I felt free for the first time in so long. I felt relieved from all the worries. I felt the stresses crumble. I felt happy.

I guess I just need to stop engulfing myself in so much stress at once and give myself time for the good friendships that bring me so much euphoria. It's SENIOR year, and I need to enjoy it. I need to abandon all the stupid worries. I need to focus on what really matters. Friends, family, class president, college apps, and most of all pure enjoyment. I am here now, and who knows what will happen in the next few months. I will cherish these moments so deeply.

And I'm going to stop being so cautious. If you are always careful, you will never be freed. If you are always afraid of risk you will never learn. If you are afraid to step outside your comfort zone you will never know what more you can be.

"Careful" - Paramore