Dealing with the Downs

I have had one of those weekends. One of those weekends you sort of want to forget and you sort of want to remember. One of those weekends that leave an imprint on your life. I realize I am blessed. I have lived through this stress without mono or alcohol or even caffeine. I have survived. And that's something to be proud of. But I know I have to be more than just alive. I won't be happy with myself if I am satisfied with such a simple goal.

I always say I care about other people more so than anything else. But I never do much to make a difference. I don't go out and protest, although I do whine a lot to rather ineffectual people. I don't do enough community service because I am afraid to do it alone or I am held back by other commitments as I try to appease particular groups of people. I can't do everything. But I can improve. I will fail some people. I will make many mistakes. As much as I say I care about other people, this weekend I realized how self-centered I am. I try so hard to get people to fit within my comfort zone rather than me moving out of mine. I try so hard to make my life easy. I even realized the vicious cycle I live in.

1. The moment, a comparison, a judgment, discomfort, etc.
ex) Class Ranking, Criticism, Homecoming Group Changes

2. The anxiety and questions
ex) OMG my group changed! What do I do?

3. The depression and self-pity
ex) this sucks, well this must mean my whole life sucks, I might as well die

4. The declaration, whining, complaining, crying, lamenting
ex) (Me to a friend) "I am so depressed! Help me! I don't know what to do! I am such a horrible person!"

5. The temporary consolation
ex) (Friend to me) "It'll be alright, don't worry about it, you work too hard, people love you, we care about you."

6. The self-gratification, pride, and ego lift
ex) Well if my friend accepts and says all these nice things to me, my life is okay. In fact I am pretty happy and proud of myself.

And then 1 repeats when I realize that I am not so special and I get an F on my Stats test. And the whole cycle repeats. Someone tries to make me feel better, and it works for a while, long enough to make it seem like it was a good thing. But I need real help. I don't want pity. I want someone to slap me. I want someone to lower my ego, but save me from the inevitable suicidal thoughts. It won't be easy, but if someone is willing to help me, then I am determined to change.

I desperately want to break this cycle. I can't live life like this anymore. I have a lot to do and it is driving me crazy, but I am learning so much along the way. I really need to set my goals which I meant to do so long ago. I need to have a light at the end of the tunnel. But I can't just have a one track mind. I need to also figure out how to live for the moment, cherish the journey, and be the person I want to be.

The real me is waiting to be known. I see it in myself every once in a while; those short moments of wit and the times when I actually make an impact on the community. I see it when I speak out my heart or when I write out my blog. But I feel so trapped at high school, trying to make my peers happy and attempting to fulfill the odd unspoken obligations of the teenager.

I saw a beautiful movie this weekend with a good friend, New York, I Love You. I missed the first two of the ten segments, but I found so much to take to heart. What made it the best was that we sat on the stairs since we were so late and there were no seats. But even though we paid for those super expensive seats I had just as much fun (probably more) because of the imperfection of the situation. I really had fun. I really stepped out of my comfort shell a bit. I revealed a bit of who I really am. For a few moments I wasn't the perpetual perfectionist. I wasn't the crazed timely nazi. I wasn't the insanely overemotional effeminate guy. For just a brief moment or two I was able to be free, to be who I think, want, and really am. I am still trying to figure it out, and who I want to be will also change, but I feel there is progress just because I have realized my predictable pattern and I can finally deal with the issue head on.

"Breathe In" - Frou Frou

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sVXdvbhSaVo

I highly recommend this video. It really reminds us all to remember that every individual person has a deeper life story that we should try to understand. I know I need to work harder on understanding people.