F = :) ?

The despised letter: F. F stands for failure. F stands for f---. F stands for misery and doom. F stands for the end of a restaurant or a financial scheme. F stands for the closure of college dreams. But I have an F and I am surprisingly.... happy?

No, I am not really giddy by the 50% score on my Stats test. Or the 33% on the physics problem. But I know I am horrible with applied math. I really hate math, but I know it is useful and even though my worst type of math is applied math, I think it is the most interesting. I rarely fail, and for some reason I don't care that much. Maybe it's because grades are not as crucial in twelfth grade. But they are still important. I think the biggest change is my mindset. I am no longer looking at my grades as a measure of my capability, but as a benchmark of my learning. An F means I obviously didn't get it, and I need to try A LOT harder. I also need to sleep A LOT more. But despite these abysmal scores I am more determined than ever before to take the step to improve. I am stepping far outside my comfort zone with these Fs, but I will never become better if I don't take any risk.

So yes, an F equals happiness right now. There are far more important things in the world than grades. I just asked the girl I have a crush on to homecoming. It really was quite a step outside my comfort zone. It really saved me today. I know I won't be dating, but I at least took the step to be social so that I can at least be more than just a robot that spills out numbers.

And probably the most powerful moment (or hour) of my life was this Tuesday. It was a miserable day. And my friend was having an even more miserable time. I pretend that everyone around me is really quite happy with their lives, but we all hide inside shells of happiness. It is such a relief to eat junk food and sit in the car with a friend and just let out all the frustration. It really helps to not feel alone in this world. I hope my friend understands that despite all the hardship there is so much in life to live for. It really struck me that we hold so much emotion within us and we forget to take care of ourselves. It hurts us so much when we try to ignore our own needs. In fact the more we put aside our needs, the more we hold back from our maximum potential. We all need to take time to sit and cry and talk to a friend. I want to make an effort to help whomever is left alone each day at lunch and may not have a friend to lean on. We can't depend on our friends like a safety net, but we need our friends every once in a while to just fall on. That's probably the best way to deal with all the compounded pressures of life.

So my life has been filled with ups and downs.

"Everything Went Down" - Kate Tucker and the Sons of Sweden



The lyrics are so applicable: "Everything Went down on Tuesday"

"Crush" - David Archuleta



This totally relates to today, for simple reasons.

"Chokola" - Lady May



I don't even have a clue what this song is talking about although it is from Namibia. Probably sex or drugs or something, but it is a perfect mix of African and techno beats. And it totally makes me feel free and less worried. We should all try to dance around like the Namibians.