Mass hysteria. Jealousy. Frustration. Disturbance. Shock. Misinterpretation. Passing judgment. Slander. Freaking out. Finger pointing. Stubbornness. Hatred. Self-Pity. Ignorance. Appeasement. I have committed so much sinfulness. I hate myself right now. I am still angry. I am still frustrated. But I have realized how much my ego has destroyed me. I thought I was getting somewhere with my life, but I now realize how horrible of a person I am. And I don't want pity, or someone to tell me, "It's alright, you aren't really like that." I hate myself right now because I am so closed-minded and unaccepting of other people's opinions. I feel ungrateful and selfish. I hate how I have assumed that I was somehow better than other people because I am not a jock or I am not popular or I have good grades. I hate how I have turned my stresses into anxieties for others. I hate how I have implicated others for my own flaws. I have been a horrible person and there is nothing you can say to make me feel good. In fact I want someone to just slap me or to shake me and knock some sense into my bitter and ugly soul.
I'm tired of garnering people's sympathy. And I'm tired of letting my life be controlled and swayed by the emotions of other people. I am tired of trying to be someone I am not to appease the masses. I am tired of living in chronic stress. I am tired of being a funsucker.
Today I blamed my friend for everything. I am still incredibly angry at him. And I don't know exactly why, but I am really angry at him. It's quite a conundrum because I have tried to pretend anger towards him in the past, but nothing was real. Now I feel intense frustration and I can't even bring myself to talk to him. I don't know what is wrong, but I want to figure it out.
I also went to a football game tonight. I went to go have fun, but all I did was complain, complain, and complain some more. What is wrong with me? Why is it that I am always so stressed out around people and I always worry like crazy?
I am sorry. I am sorry for being dreadful. I am sorry for being so incredulous. I am sorry for being a horrible friend. I am sorry for my vengefulness. I am sorry for my corrupted thinking. I am sorry for destroying joy. I am sorry.
I am near tears. I am in so much emotional distraught attempting to figure it all out. I've lived for so long in a state of caution, fearful to take a step outside myself. And now as I have become aware of my mistakes and faults, I am feeling miserable. I know I have to learn from it all, but I don't know how. I don't know where to go. I don't know who to look to.
And the worst part is that I don't think anyway understands me at all. I try so hard to explain myself but I always get responses that only cause me frustration. I wish people knew the real me. I wish I was more like I think I am on the inside. I may not be the greatest person in the world, but inside I am the chill guy that is comfortable with myself and life. Inside I am the guy who wants to just relax and enjoy life. Inside I have dreams, but I am calm and focused on accomplishing them. Inside I care about people passionately, but I don't make it about myself. Inside I am quiet and thoughtful.
But everyone knows me as the horrifying person that I always show. Part of it is fear to be the real me, and part of it is some inordinate pressure to suffice the expectations of my peers. But in any case, I am tired of being who I am not.
If anyone understands me, please help me. I am so much deeper on the inside, and I just want people to stop looking down on me because I am horrible at expressing what is on the inside. This blog is probably impossible to discern, but I am trying to get a point across. Please help me if you understand. I just need something. I don't know what i need. But I really am in need.
"If You Only Knew" - Shinedown
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