Getting my life together isn't as easy as I thought it would be. It's nearly ten now, and I haven't even started my homework that I've had one week to complete and is now due tomorrow. Why? Why can't I stop procrastinating? Why am I always behind? Why am I so easily distracted? Why can't I focus on the work? Is it a dangerous malady or is it just laziness? Is it a genetic trait or is it some learned method? I imagine how much more I could have done with my life if I had avoided so much distraction. I am disappointed in myself for succumbing to the Internet, music, phone calls, television, and chats. I can't believe how much time I have wasted just being pitiful. I think drinking would have been more effective than all the time I have wasted.
I guess the main reason I procrastinate so much is because I feel this innate fear of approaching death. I have always struggled to see the point to all the pressure I put myself under, all the undue stress. I know that if I decreased my crazy procrastination the stress level would decrease dramatically, but I worry first about living and then about the things that need to be done. Unfortunately, I have recently forgotten how to live, and all I do is worry myself until it is so late that I cause more worry. I have so many pitiful cycles: depression, procrastination, ignorance... When will I break all the cycles? When will I be freed for real?
I had a temporary freedom this weekend. I avoided all my problems and put them aside for awhile. And that sort of helped me get through it. But now I feel so much regret, guilt, and stress. I need to stop. I can party hard, but I also need to study hard. And yet in all of this I need to relax.
I see so many people living such seemingly simple lives. Are they all just good actors, hiding their stresses within? Or are they truly less stressed out than I am? What is the secret? How can I live the life I want to live without killing myself either through depression or chronic stress? What is the answer? Or is there one?
"TiK ToK" - Ke$ha
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