Yes, I am weak. I cling to my worries and forget my hopes. I cry over the spilled milk. I regret every small mistake. I grieve every moment lost. I realize now how much I need to change in my life. It sort of feels like Obama having to fix America. But I'm not going to be as demanding. I know I cannot fix everything immediately, but I am going to move forward and work on becoming a better person.
I will accept my flaws, not antagonize over them. I will push myself a few millimeters outside my comfort zone. Then I will go a few inches. Then I can step a few yards. And after the baby steps, hops, and long hurdles, I will be more me. Not necessarily a better me. People are not linear, unlike what Nihilists believe. People have so many twists and turns and fourth dimensional vectors. In all of this we have something so great, a soul.
I realize today that while there are many things I want to "fix," I am not a machine. There is no step by step instruction to fix what I find unhappy. I know a few routes.
I can cry about it most of the time and complain until a friend or therapist makes me feel better.
I can challenge myself a lot, fall apart, then cry and whine.
I can challenge myself a little and be strong enough to get through it.
I can accept my flaws and appreciate them.
I can make my flaws a positive.
I can run away from my flaws by avoiding situations which involve them.
I can be human and deal with flaws without making them giant unobtainable goals.
I look at the title of my book. Twenty-One Balloons to Eco-Harmony. Whatever that means. It supposed to be some sort of seven steps toward nirvana idea. Whatever eco-harmony is, I believe that it is being okay with who I am, always expanding my horizons, and being humble.
But the steps are balloons, not ladder rungs, or mountain pathways. How do you achieve a balloon? Maybe you can't. Or maybe a balloon can always expand. Sometimes balloons become too big and pop. Sometimes balloons don't have enough helium to stand upright. Balloons are the flaws, traits, and challenges. I have a giant balloon that pops all the time, called my ego, and my sensitivity, and my stress. I have a balloon that barely exists called self-esteem.
Despite this whole connection to balloons, whose to say what fills them or what makes a balloon a good one or the colors or the number of balloons? Balloons are lofty ideals, and we all seek the perfect bushel of balloons. But we might as well accept the balloons tied to our wrists for what they are, try to fix the ones that are broken, and prevent the giant balloons from lifting us too far off our feet.
"Imperfect is the New Perfect" - Caitlin Crosby
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Race to Nowhere
Interesting site council meeting today. Brought up the stresses of school and how everyone seems to obsessed with grades, not learning or innovation.
Race to Nowhere
I want to see this now really badly - it's exactly my life.
Race to Nowhere
I want to see this now really badly - it's exactly my life.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Everyone Else
Why can't I have someone who likes me?
Why can't I have a life?
Why do I have to be an evil workaholic?
Why can't I have a friendship in which I am not a parasite?
Why can't I be normal?
Why can't I be happy like everyone else?
Why do I care so much unlike everyone else?
Why do I make myself so miserable?
Why do I think so much?
Why do I have so much pain in my heart?
Why do I feel so lonely?
Why can't I just be better?
Why can't I stop judging?
Why do I worry about success and grades so much?
Why can't I just be a normal guy?
Why can't I just fit in?
Why can't I just be okay?
Why can't I be who I want to be?
"In Step" - Frankmusik
Why can't I have a life?
Why do I have to be an evil workaholic?
Why can't I have a friendship in which I am not a parasite?
Why can't I be normal?
Why can't I be happy like everyone else?
Why do I care so much unlike everyone else?
Why do I make myself so miserable?
Why do I think so much?
Why do I have so much pain in my heart?
Why do I feel so lonely?
Why can't I just be better?
Why can't I stop judging?
Why do I worry about success and grades so much?
Why can't I just be a normal guy?
Why can't I just fit in?
Why can't I just be okay?
Why can't I be who I want to be?
"In Step" - Frankmusik
Monday, January 25, 2010
Scarcity of Harmony
Anger balloons. My heart beats fast, fast, faster even when I meditate to calm soothing head melodies.
I have nightmares of earthquakes in New York and instead of fear, I question the validity of the earthquake's magnitude in accordance with the fault lines in the Tri-State area. What kind of dreaming is that?
Feel sick, throw my legs about in the air like a rag doll at martial arts. Nearly collapse from a nauseous sickness in Kumon. Glare.
Dostoevsky aches my head, but I will feel fulfilled when completed. Gross feeling in throat won't go away.
It seems like I have to be either
a) unhappy for no reason
or
b) sick when unstressed
Where is the harmony in my life? Perhaps it is just perspective I need. Is this happiness? Feeling slightly nauseous, slightly ill, a little heartbroken, somewhat excited, moreover freer from obligations, overwhelmed with sleepiness, yet mostly content? Is this happiness?
Maybe it is the scarcity of harmony that makes life meaningful. Or maybe I do have a harmonious life for the most part and I just focus on the extreme emotions. Whatever it is, I guess this is happiness.
"Confusion Girl" - Frankmusik
I wish I could fly like Frankmusik...........
I have nightmares of earthquakes in New York and instead of fear, I question the validity of the earthquake's magnitude in accordance with the fault lines in the Tri-State area. What kind of dreaming is that?
Feel sick, throw my legs about in the air like a rag doll at martial arts. Nearly collapse from a nauseous sickness in Kumon. Glare.
Dostoevsky aches my head, but I will feel fulfilled when completed. Gross feeling in throat won't go away.
It seems like I have to be either
a) unhappy for no reason
or
b) sick when unstressed
Where is the harmony in my life? Perhaps it is just perspective I need. Is this happiness? Feeling slightly nauseous, slightly ill, a little heartbroken, somewhat excited, moreover freer from obligations, overwhelmed with sleepiness, yet mostly content? Is this happiness?
Maybe it is the scarcity of harmony that makes life meaningful. Or maybe I do have a harmonious life for the most part and I just focus on the extreme emotions. Whatever it is, I guess this is happiness.
"Confusion Girl" - Frankmusik
I wish I could fly like Frankmusik...........
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Hobby
Hobbies are good. I think I need to find one and thrive in it. I mean I have lots of passions, but I am not devoted to anything that helps me destress too much. I love to write and take photographs, art. I love to study geography and learn, work. I love to help others and lead, challenge.
There are things in my life I have to do:
-go to college
-pay for college
-eat
-sleep
-drink
-have friends
-go to school
There are things in life I feel obligated to do:
-martial arts
-be a good family member
-follow society's codes
-class president
-go to Jewish school
-clean my room, do my chores
There are things I want to do:
-be more spiritual
-love and be loved
-create art
-party
-learn about everything
-Tikkun Olam, real help to the world
-sleep
-exercise enjoyably
I always lament about wanting to be okay. I think I may be okay. I guess I am not that bad of a guy. Maybe I aim to high with the people I seek. Well its time to move on. I have so much I want to do in my life. The happier I am with myself the more stuff I want to do. I am more organized now, more motivated, more excited, more balanced.
I just watched an interview with Rachel Flatt, the US Figure Skating gold medalist. She lives a ridiculously busy schedule like me, but on an international scale and still goes to high school. She's going through so many similar things to me: college apps, senior year, dreams, challenges. She wants to be a biomechanics major!? Not much of a fluff girl, if you ask me. There is inspiration in life. As long as we don't take the inspiration as something we must be and accept reality enough that we are grounded, then we won't even realize we are flying.
Life isn't easy. People aren't always the most understanding and kind creatures. Yet this world is fantastic beyond any measure. Life is fantastic beyond any measure. I can't even believe there are only three weeks until winter break!
"Done Done" - Frankmusik
There are things in my life I have to do:
-go to college
-pay for college
-eat
-sleep
-drink
-have friends
-go to school
There are things in life I feel obligated to do:
-martial arts
-be a good family member
-follow society's codes
-class president
-go to Jewish school
-clean my room, do my chores
There are things I want to do:
-be more spiritual
-love and be loved
-create art
-party
-learn about everything
-Tikkun Olam, real help to the world
-sleep
-exercise enjoyably
I always lament about wanting to be okay. I think I may be okay. I guess I am not that bad of a guy. Maybe I aim to high with the people I seek. Well its time to move on. I have so much I want to do in my life. The happier I am with myself the more stuff I want to do. I am more organized now, more motivated, more excited, more balanced.
I just watched an interview with Rachel Flatt, the US Figure Skating gold medalist. She lives a ridiculously busy schedule like me, but on an international scale and still goes to high school. She's going through so many similar things to me: college apps, senior year, dreams, challenges. She wants to be a biomechanics major!? Not much of a fluff girl, if you ask me. There is inspiration in life. As long as we don't take the inspiration as something we must be and accept reality enough that we are grounded, then we won't even realize we are flying.
Life isn't easy. People aren't always the most understanding and kind creatures. Yet this world is fantastic beyond any measure. Life is fantastic beyond any measure. I can't even believe there are only three weeks until winter break!
"Done Done" - Frankmusik
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Doubts
I spent today doing basically nothing. I finished my homework. I slept a lot. I worked out. I watched the US figure skating championships. I thought a lot about life.
About being alone all day. About my dreams for college. Looking at all the scholarships and realizing that financially my lofty dreams are not feasible. Being inside all day away from people. Thinking about loneliness.
Mostly however I feel this sense of doubt. Self-doubt.
I constantly seek this answer in life. This ultimate panacea, but I am overwhelmed by my own doubts. I doubt my intelligence. I doubt my character. I doubt my friendships. I doubt my abilities. I doubt everything. At times I feel like I have nothing to live for. I know if I had some self-confidence I would be a better person. Or would I be? Maybe I would be full of myself and dearth of empathy. But I know already how to hold back those sides of confidence, I just don't know how to show confidence that builds trust, inspiration, and rapport. I lack so much self-confidence that I cannot face the problems in my life or proudly present myself to society.
Thank god for all my flaws. They force me to be more confident. My struggles with friendships, emotions, grade acceptance, procrastination, stress, family, and life in general are really great in the long-run.
On another point - I wonder what it takes to be a friend with some people. I know I have to accept them, but don't they have to accept me as well? Can a friendship be built without common interest? So many questions, perhaps I have too many. What is the meaning of friendship? Am I a good friend?
I think I want to just make more of an effort toward my friendships. Building real and meaningful friendships. It takes time and interest which I am willing to devote. There is no magical way to build friendships, but I will make it happen.
"Doubt" Delphic
About being alone all day. About my dreams for college. Looking at all the scholarships and realizing that financially my lofty dreams are not feasible. Being inside all day away from people. Thinking about loneliness.
Mostly however I feel this sense of doubt. Self-doubt.
I constantly seek this answer in life. This ultimate panacea, but I am overwhelmed by my own doubts. I doubt my intelligence. I doubt my character. I doubt my friendships. I doubt my abilities. I doubt everything. At times I feel like I have nothing to live for. I know if I had some self-confidence I would be a better person. Or would I be? Maybe I would be full of myself and dearth of empathy. But I know already how to hold back those sides of confidence, I just don't know how to show confidence that builds trust, inspiration, and rapport. I lack so much self-confidence that I cannot face the problems in my life or proudly present myself to society.
Thank god for all my flaws. They force me to be more confident. My struggles with friendships, emotions, grade acceptance, procrastination, stress, family, and life in general are really great in the long-run.
On another point - I wonder what it takes to be a friend with some people. I know I have to accept them, but don't they have to accept me as well? Can a friendship be built without common interest? So many questions, perhaps I have too many. What is the meaning of friendship? Am I a good friend?
I think I want to just make more of an effort toward my friendships. Building real and meaningful friendships. It takes time and interest which I am willing to devote. There is no magical way to build friendships, but I will make it happen.
"Doubt" Delphic
Friday, January 22, 2010
A Closed Heart
Acceptance.
I cannot change anyone. I cannot make someone better. I cannot help someone fix their problems. I cannot force someone to be my friend.
I am a control freak. For most of my life I have gotten everything I have wanted. I get good grades usually without much effort. I succeed in achievements without much care. I get my friends to do things for me without complaint. I make my parents clean and serve me without gratitude. I send a text message to Haiti instead of actually making an impact.
My entire life I have been lead to believe that I can be the master of my own world. That I can do anything if I try my hardest and I believe in myself. Yet it is entirely untrue. I cannot just plow the people around me to succeed. I cannot drag my friends into my misery or attempt to help them for selfish purposes.
I am sorry to my friends who I have not accepted. The friends who I have closed my heart to in fear and selfishness. I really wish I knew how to live a better life. I really wish I knew how to listen better. I wish I wasn't jealous that I don't get to spend time with some friends. I always put myself on this high and mighty pedestle and now after all the grade declines and SATs and losses of sleep and broken friendships I feel like I have lost so much in my life. I have lost both my spirits and my support at times. I am a monster and I hate it.
At the same time I do have love. I just wish I had maturity and direction. My friends are so mature and wise, and I am so backwards, spoiled, dependent, and selfish. I feel like a toddler. I know so much about the world, yet I don't know anything. I don't understand how to be a true friend. I don't understand how to be happy with myself. I don't understand how people react. I don't get it when people are busy and can't hang out with me. I don't know how to make friends without controlling my friends.
Sometimes I feel like I only lead so I can control more. I think I am power hungry.
Today was awesome. Planning summer excursions. Fremont! The troll, Lenin, rockets, raspberry croissants, and all the vintage shopping. I love Seattle sometimes. But it would have been nothing without my marvelous friends. Thank God I have friends who are willing to accept me for all my flaws and all my monstrosities. I can only attempt to be as mature as them one day.
I am finally free from so many burdens, but now I am lost. What do I do with all my free time? Will I plan more? Will I sleep? Will I write? Will I hang out? Freedom is quite a burden itself.
"This Momentary" - Delphic
I cannot change anyone. I cannot make someone better. I cannot help someone fix their problems. I cannot force someone to be my friend.
I am a control freak. For most of my life I have gotten everything I have wanted. I get good grades usually without much effort. I succeed in achievements without much care. I get my friends to do things for me without complaint. I make my parents clean and serve me without gratitude. I send a text message to Haiti instead of actually making an impact.
My entire life I have been lead to believe that I can be the master of my own world. That I can do anything if I try my hardest and I believe in myself. Yet it is entirely untrue. I cannot just plow the people around me to succeed. I cannot drag my friends into my misery or attempt to help them for selfish purposes.
I am sorry to my friends who I have not accepted. The friends who I have closed my heart to in fear and selfishness. I really wish I knew how to live a better life. I really wish I knew how to listen better. I wish I wasn't jealous that I don't get to spend time with some friends. I always put myself on this high and mighty pedestle and now after all the grade declines and SATs and losses of sleep and broken friendships I feel like I have lost so much in my life. I have lost both my spirits and my support at times. I am a monster and I hate it.
At the same time I do have love. I just wish I had maturity and direction. My friends are so mature and wise, and I am so backwards, spoiled, dependent, and selfish. I feel like a toddler. I know so much about the world, yet I don't know anything. I don't understand how to be a true friend. I don't understand how to be happy with myself. I don't understand how people react. I don't get it when people are busy and can't hang out with me. I don't know how to make friends without controlling my friends.
Sometimes I feel like I only lead so I can control more. I think I am power hungry.
Today was awesome. Planning summer excursions. Fremont! The troll, Lenin, rockets, raspberry croissants, and all the vintage shopping. I love Seattle sometimes. But it would have been nothing without my marvelous friends. Thank God I have friends who are willing to accept me for all my flaws and all my monstrosities. I can only attempt to be as mature as them one day.
I am finally free from so many burdens, but now I am lost. What do I do with all my free time? Will I plan more? Will I sleep? Will I write? Will I hang out? Freedom is quite a burden itself.
"This Momentary" - Delphic
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Grade Me
A. B. C. D. F. All the minuses and pluses. What is our obsession with these degrading letters? I went onto facebook and all I could see was: my Crain grade went up! I got more than 100%!
What's the point? I listen to all these people freak out so much about their grades and about how much they deserve good grades. But do they really? Just because you take a challenging course does that mean you deserve to get an A? What is the meaning of an A anymore? Does it mean reasonably above average, or is it truly a mark of excellence? After all the whining about the grade in that class, everyone is so happy. How can everyone be so shallow? Is that all that matters to people? Letters? I've seen people forgo friendships, romances, community, religion, and family for their grades.
What are these people going to look back on in ten years? The good grade on one final or the lack of service to the community over the past few months. Sure we make excuses sometimes, but so many people are selfish in their ambition. And once you go to college all this stress doesn't even matter.
What pisses me off the most are the people who don't deserve their good grades at all. I hate to say it but many of my friends are lucky they are so smart. Nobody deserves higher than a C for barely paying attention in class. It frustrates me so much when people whine about their B+ in a class that they skipped or dozed off in.
Then there are the valedictorians. The obsessive. At least some of them. It's as if they lose their identity, their sense of self without their grades. In fact I am sure most of these people with high class ranks probably don't have much to say about themselves besides their grades. Except I discover that the dumb girl who I thought didn't deserve her 4.0 has an alcoholic mother. The stupidity of assumption. That just pisses me off more that there are people who get off with easy lives and worry so much about these stupid grades.
The sad thing is I am the perfect example of the people I complain about.
Hypocrisy.
"Sad Song" - Blake Lewis
What's the point? I listen to all these people freak out so much about their grades and about how much they deserve good grades. But do they really? Just because you take a challenging course does that mean you deserve to get an A? What is the meaning of an A anymore? Does it mean reasonably above average, or is it truly a mark of excellence? After all the whining about the grade in that class, everyone is so happy. How can everyone be so shallow? Is that all that matters to people? Letters? I've seen people forgo friendships, romances, community, religion, and family for their grades.
What are these people going to look back on in ten years? The good grade on one final or the lack of service to the community over the past few months. Sure we make excuses sometimes, but so many people are selfish in their ambition. And once you go to college all this stress doesn't even matter.
What pisses me off the most are the people who don't deserve their good grades at all. I hate to say it but many of my friends are lucky they are so smart. Nobody deserves higher than a C for barely paying attention in class. It frustrates me so much when people whine about their B+ in a class that they skipped or dozed off in.
Then there are the valedictorians. The obsessive. At least some of them. It's as if they lose their identity, their sense of self without their grades. In fact I am sure most of these people with high class ranks probably don't have much to say about themselves besides their grades. Except I discover that the dumb girl who I thought didn't deserve her 4.0 has an alcoholic mother. The stupidity of assumption. That just pisses me off more that there are people who get off with easy lives and worry so much about these stupid grades.
The sad thing is I am the perfect example of the people I complain about.
Hypocrisy.
"Sad Song" - Blake Lewis
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Inspired to Live
I am inspired to live. I got a B+ on my Stats test. I don't really like it, but it's better than other grades I could have received, so I am satisfied.
Today I realized how vital sleep and school is. I have been living these past through months barely making it through class half-sleeping so I could finish the homework more awake that night. Except I was only half-doing everything. I was only half-learning. I was only half-trying. If you only half-learn that is still an F. I must be smart if I managed to have four As while barely trying.
It is really embarrassing. I whine about my grades and class rank, but maybe the people who take the easy classes and do well are deserving. They did try hard to get those As, and they were just better than me at balancing life so that they could party, study, and sleep.
All I do is study, but I have been so ineffective and dispassionate that I have not learned.
So even though Massachusetts went insane yesterday and voted for a Republican, and even though I have a B- in Stats, and even though I have not learned as much as I could have this year, and even though I have been lazy and weak, I have hope. I have hope that I can do better, without even stressing.
I realize that effort does not equal worry and stress. In fact it might just be an inverse relationship.
Haiti, friends, the failure of Massachusetts, and Stats have saved me. Like Obama, it is my turn to wake up and deal with the problems instead of prancing along trying to civilly fix them. I have had the resources and luck on my side. Now is time for the hard work and the ripe benefits in the end. Yes We Can. Yes We Will.
"Blinding" - Florence + the Machine
I LOVE this song. It kindles my fire.
"No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world
And I could hear the thunder and see the lightning crack
All around the world was waking, I never could go back
Cos all the walls of dreaming, they were torn right open
And finally it seemed that the spell was broken"
No more dead dreaming. The spell is broken.
Today I realized how vital sleep and school is. I have been living these past through months barely making it through class half-sleeping so I could finish the homework more awake that night. Except I was only half-doing everything. I was only half-learning. I was only half-trying. If you only half-learn that is still an F. I must be smart if I managed to have four As while barely trying.
It is really embarrassing. I whine about my grades and class rank, but maybe the people who take the easy classes and do well are deserving. They did try hard to get those As, and they were just better than me at balancing life so that they could party, study, and sleep.
All I do is study, but I have been so ineffective and dispassionate that I have not learned.
So even though Massachusetts went insane yesterday and voted for a Republican, and even though I have a B- in Stats, and even though I have not learned as much as I could have this year, and even though I have been lazy and weak, I have hope. I have hope that I can do better, without even stressing.
I realize that effort does not equal worry and stress. In fact it might just be an inverse relationship.
Haiti, friends, the failure of Massachusetts, and Stats have saved me. Like Obama, it is my turn to wake up and deal with the problems instead of prancing along trying to civilly fix them. I have had the resources and luck on my side. Now is time for the hard work and the ripe benefits in the end. Yes We Can. Yes We Will.
"Blinding" - Florence + the Machine
I LOVE this song. It kindles my fire.
"No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world
And I could hear the thunder and see the lightning crack
All around the world was waking, I never could go back
Cos all the walls of dreaming, they were torn right open
And finally it seemed that the spell was broken"
No more dead dreaming. The spell is broken.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Overwhelmed, Feeling Forlorn
I feel so weak sometimes. Today was okay. But I am so worried about finals. I want to keep my grades and improve the bad ones. I wish I had balanced this entire past semester better. I have so many regrets this entire past few months. I wish I had taken care of myself a little more. Taken more risks in life.
I wish I had risked to be myself. To smile. To believe in myself. To ask for help. To take the time to exercise or eat well. To limit my ballooning habit of procrastination. To enjoy life a little more.
In the depths of November, December and these past few weeks I have lived in utter misery and accepted it. It wasn't like I needed to improve my life, but my outlook dragged me into this deep abyss that I am struggling to escape out of.
I am aware that this journey will not end with some sudden party of realization and perpetual happiness. But I just wish my mind would stop wandering down the path of hopelessness and misery.
I was just told that I am not a good match with my crush. And the Democrats lost their seat in Massachusetts. These are both small knicks at my surface, but they seem to penetrate so far. What seems like a cut seems to bleed incessantly and painfully. I don't know how to stop the bleeding; I just panic and collapse.
I want to find peace. I want serenity. I want joy and sadness and all, but I don't want all this instability. I am so tired of it. I am so tired of it. I want to stop being so unusual and just fit in with the rest of normal society, without losing my identity. But am I anyone other than the whiny hissy-fit boy who acts gay and complains about everything in life and hurt people and once shined academically and now struggles with school and everything else in life?
I wish I was stronger and more able to handle all of this. But as I conclude I am just a weakling.
"Warmer Climate" - Snow Patrol
I wish I had risked to be myself. To smile. To believe in myself. To ask for help. To take the time to exercise or eat well. To limit my ballooning habit of procrastination. To enjoy life a little more.
In the depths of November, December and these past few weeks I have lived in utter misery and accepted it. It wasn't like I needed to improve my life, but my outlook dragged me into this deep abyss that I am struggling to escape out of.
I am aware that this journey will not end with some sudden party of realization and perpetual happiness. But I just wish my mind would stop wandering down the path of hopelessness and misery.
I was just told that I am not a good match with my crush. And the Democrats lost their seat in Massachusetts. These are both small knicks at my surface, but they seem to penetrate so far. What seems like a cut seems to bleed incessantly and painfully. I don't know how to stop the bleeding; I just panic and collapse.
I want to find peace. I want serenity. I want joy and sadness and all, but I don't want all this instability. I am so tired of it. I am so tired of it. I want to stop being so unusual and just fit in with the rest of normal society, without losing my identity. But am I anyone other than the whiny hissy-fit boy who acts gay and complains about everything in life and hurt people and once shined academically and now struggles with school and everything else in life?
I wish I was stronger and more able to handle all of this. But as I conclude I am just a weakling.
"Warmer Climate" - Snow Patrol
Jelly Legs
Run two miles. Do seventy squats. Hold a wall sit for five minutes. Push myself to my limits. My legs are jelly. It feels fantastic. After enduring the temporary pain, the shakiness of my muscles sets in this feeling of fulfillment. I am determined. I am strong. I am confident. I will accomplish my goals. I will make a difference in my life and the world. I have the spirit. I have the passion. I will pour my kindness out.
Who am I?
I am Max. I love geography. I love friendships. I love otters. I believe in God, not destiny. I believe in life. I am a liberal. I love this world. I want to make this world a better place for people. I care a lot. I am a perfectionist. I am depressed. I am strong. I believe in myself. I have strong values. I have amazing friends and family. I am a nightowl. I often feel lost. I make big issues out of small ones. I am not a fast thinker. I can fully understand entire systems. I can reach out toward people. I am selfish. I am spoiled. I dream. I am crazy. I am a leader.
I am me. No one else. I don't follow all the rules. I don't fit in with all of society. I like it that way. I like who I am. I know I can always be better. But I am proud of myself. I don't want to sound cocky. I am just declaring my confidence.
I can hold that wall sit. I can do those squats and those miles. I can endure. I can fight. I am fighting for my happiness. And then I will fight for a greater cause.
For once I went ouside and enjoyed the sunshine, so rare here. I breathed in the beauty. I believe in myself. I don't even know why I feel confident. I guess I've decided to accept some of my imperfection and have faith in some of my positive attributes. I am seeking a fuller understanding of myself.
For once I am satisfied with my life. I realized today how much I love it here. The fresh smell of Washington. The spirit of Seattle. I do want to explore the rest of the world, but maybe it is okay here. Maybe I need to stop running away from my problems and start cherishing what I have now.
For once I am noticing how I react. I notice how I treat life. I see only the negative view of a situation. Now I am determined to grasp the hope and the positive. To take the criticism and to strengthen myself. Perhaps I am not good at Kumon, but perhaps I don't have to be perfect at everything.
I will endure. I will fight. I will live. I will thrive.
"Wait It Out" - Imogen Heap
Who am I?
I am Max. I love geography. I love friendships. I love otters. I believe in God, not destiny. I believe in life. I am a liberal. I love this world. I want to make this world a better place for people. I care a lot. I am a perfectionist. I am depressed. I am strong. I believe in myself. I have strong values. I have amazing friends and family. I am a nightowl. I often feel lost. I make big issues out of small ones. I am not a fast thinker. I can fully understand entire systems. I can reach out toward people. I am selfish. I am spoiled. I dream. I am crazy. I am a leader.
I am me. No one else. I don't follow all the rules. I don't fit in with all of society. I like it that way. I like who I am. I know I can always be better. But I am proud of myself. I don't want to sound cocky. I am just declaring my confidence.
I can hold that wall sit. I can do those squats and those miles. I can endure. I can fight. I am fighting for my happiness. And then I will fight for a greater cause.
For once I went ouside and enjoyed the sunshine, so rare here. I breathed in the beauty. I believe in myself. I don't even know why I feel confident. I guess I've decided to accept some of my imperfection and have faith in some of my positive attributes. I am seeking a fuller understanding of myself.
For once I am satisfied with my life. I realized today how much I love it here. The fresh smell of Washington. The spirit of Seattle. I do want to explore the rest of the world, but maybe it is okay here. Maybe I need to stop running away from my problems and start cherishing what I have now.
For once I am noticing how I react. I notice how I treat life. I see only the negative view of a situation. Now I am determined to grasp the hope and the positive. To take the criticism and to strengthen myself. Perhaps I am not good at Kumon, but perhaps I don't have to be perfect at everything.
I will endure. I will fight. I will live. I will thrive.
"Wait It Out" - Imogen Heap
Monday, January 18, 2010
Warmth
Tingling through my spine, a chilly, yet warm wind penetrates my soul. It is the perfect temperature and humidity. Moist, not overwhelmingly hot, but definitely not frigid. Seemingly not any distinct weather at one in the morning, but it just feels perfect. I believe Spring is approaching: my favorite season.
Tonight was another awakening in this month of waking up.
The gratification of exiting sleep with a calm heart. Teaching Hebrew, making conversation without fear of judgment. Reach up toward the sky, celebrate the trees. Sh'ma yisrael, adonai echad, adonai eloheinu. Baruch shem k'vod malchuto l'olam va'ed. Listening to God, vocalizing Judaism.
Arrive in Vienna with a neutral countenance. Timid entrance, be the follower. Lead the waltz, dance across the floor, step on toes, embrace the music, open my heart to the rhythms. Watching the couples or the individuals. Observing the relationships, smiles, desperations, loves. Jitterbug: free. Crazy dance like the war is over. Smile at that friend who makes me a better person. Smile at that friend who is always there. Smile at the friend I have lost. Smile at the friend who makes my life whole. Bump.
I was accepted into university on Friday. I found out the girl I like was not so easy to reach. I hear of the hardships of friends trying to accomplish their dreams.
To the friend, the warrior: take the plunge into the abyss of fears
To the friend, the poet: Thank You.
To the friend, the musical dreamer who cares for the world: I apologize for not taking the time to understand you. I need to be there for you, and I need you to be there for me. But I am sorry for not making the effort to listen and comprehend. This week will be incredibly stressful and challenging, but have hope and take small steps to care for yourself. I will be here.
To the friend, the conductor: why do you avoid me? what has happened? tonight I realize that i need to reach out. But I miss your presence in my life.
"The Warmth" - Incubus
Tonight was another awakening in this month of waking up.
The gratification of exiting sleep with a calm heart. Teaching Hebrew, making conversation without fear of judgment. Reach up toward the sky, celebrate the trees. Sh'ma yisrael, adonai echad, adonai eloheinu. Baruch shem k'vod malchuto l'olam va'ed. Listening to God, vocalizing Judaism.
Arrive in Vienna with a neutral countenance. Timid entrance, be the follower. Lead the waltz, dance across the floor, step on toes, embrace the music, open my heart to the rhythms. Watching the couples or the individuals. Observing the relationships, smiles, desperations, loves. Jitterbug: free. Crazy dance like the war is over. Smile at that friend who makes me a better person. Smile at that friend who is always there. Smile at the friend I have lost. Smile at the friend who makes my life whole. Bump.
I was accepted into university on Friday. I found out the girl I like was not so easy to reach. I hear of the hardships of friends trying to accomplish their dreams.
To the friend, the warrior: take the plunge into the abyss of fears
To the friend, the poet: Thank You.
To the friend, the musical dreamer who cares for the world: I apologize for not taking the time to understand you. I need to be there for you, and I need you to be there for me. But I am sorry for not making the effort to listen and comprehend. This week will be incredibly stressful and challenging, but have hope and take small steps to care for yourself. I will be here.
To the friend, the conductor: why do you avoid me? what has happened? tonight I realize that i need to reach out. But I miss your presence in my life.
"The Warmth" - Incubus
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Paradox
I am weak.
I am strong.
I am smart.
I am stupid.
I am lost.
I have a path.
I want to be happy.
I want to understand struggle.
I want to serve my community.
I hide in my room.
I want to be productive.
I spend my time staring at the computer screen.
I want to be healthy.
I eat poorly and exercise rarely.
I care.
I am apathetic.
I hope.
I am cynical.
I am busy and overwhelmed.
I have too much free time.
I hate myself.
I love my life.
I have spectacular friends.
I feel like my friends hate me.
I want to lead.
I want the world to guide me.
I want to leave my home and go to new places.
I don't want to abandon my problems and never solve them.
I want to be a better person.
I want to be satisfied with myself.
I want to be free.
I want to maintain my values.
I never feel happy.
I have no reason to be sad.
Why is my life such a complicated paradox? I feel like I will never be better. I hate myself so much. I am so slow and pathetic at work. I am so unfriendly and horrible to my friends. I am so lonely. I have little respect for myself. I think I look ugly. I have no confidence. I can't lead effectively. I can't be the person I want to be.
I feel like I am in a deep, dark, lonely place. I want to have friends, but I feel like I can't have the friends I want and I don't want the friends I can have. I don't know what I need. I wish someone would open my eyes to what it is that could get me back on the path. I feel so lost. I feel so hopeless. I hate myself so much, and I am tired of it. I am tired of living without really living. I want to find a happy point. I want to stop making this world a miserable place.
What is my contribution to this world? I feel like I cost more than I offer to this world. I feel like I am an unproductive waste of society. I don't want to bring down everyone else. What value am I to this world? I don't know. I just feel like I won't be able to help this world, and all I am doing is wasting resources people in Haiti and the rest of the world need. There are plenty of other people who can better serve the world than I can. Why live if I am so negative to the rest of the world? Why live when I can only thing negatively and I drag down the people around me? Why live if nobody wants to spend time with me? Or why live if people do want to spend time with me and I am too selfish to realize it? Why live if I am nothing but a robot? Why live if I cannot even do well at a $9 an hour job? Why live if I am a waste to this world? Why live if I cannot have faith or trust? Why live if I feel so meaningless and lead with so little purpose? Why live if I am too afraid to go after love? Why live if I cannot listen? Why live if I cannot create? Why live if I am so spoiled and rotten? Why live if I am so bossy and condescending? Why live if I feel this way all the time? Why live if I need fixing for my emotions? Why live if I have so many emotions? Why live if I cannot fit in with society? Why live if I am so desperate? Why live?
"Mowgli's Road" - Marina and the Diamonds
I am strong.
I am smart.
I am stupid.
I am lost.
I have a path.
I want to be happy.
I want to understand struggle.
I want to serve my community.
I hide in my room.
I want to be productive.
I spend my time staring at the computer screen.
I want to be healthy.
I eat poorly and exercise rarely.
I care.
I am apathetic.
I hope.
I am cynical.
I am busy and overwhelmed.
I have too much free time.
I hate myself.
I love my life.
I have spectacular friends.
I feel like my friends hate me.
I want to lead.
I want the world to guide me.
I want to leave my home and go to new places.
I don't want to abandon my problems and never solve them.
I want to be a better person.
I want to be satisfied with myself.
I want to be free.
I want to maintain my values.
I never feel happy.
I have no reason to be sad.
Why is my life such a complicated paradox? I feel like I will never be better. I hate myself so much. I am so slow and pathetic at work. I am so unfriendly and horrible to my friends. I am so lonely. I have little respect for myself. I think I look ugly. I have no confidence. I can't lead effectively. I can't be the person I want to be.
I feel like I am in a deep, dark, lonely place. I want to have friends, but I feel like I can't have the friends I want and I don't want the friends I can have. I don't know what I need. I wish someone would open my eyes to what it is that could get me back on the path. I feel so lost. I feel so hopeless. I hate myself so much, and I am tired of it. I am tired of living without really living. I want to find a happy point. I want to stop making this world a miserable place.
What is my contribution to this world? I feel like I cost more than I offer to this world. I feel like I am an unproductive waste of society. I don't want to bring down everyone else. What value am I to this world? I don't know. I just feel like I won't be able to help this world, and all I am doing is wasting resources people in Haiti and the rest of the world need. There are plenty of other people who can better serve the world than I can. Why live if I am so negative to the rest of the world? Why live when I can only thing negatively and I drag down the people around me? Why live if nobody wants to spend time with me? Or why live if people do want to spend time with me and I am too selfish to realize it? Why live if I am nothing but a robot? Why live if I cannot even do well at a $9 an hour job? Why live if I am a waste to this world? Why live if I cannot have faith or trust? Why live if I feel so meaningless and lead with so little purpose? Why live if I am too afraid to go after love? Why live if I cannot listen? Why live if I cannot create? Why live if I am so spoiled and rotten? Why live if I am so bossy and condescending? Why live if I feel this way all the time? Why live if I need fixing for my emotions? Why live if I have so many emotions? Why live if I cannot fit in with society? Why live if I am so desperate? Why live?
"Mowgli's Road" - Marina and the Diamonds
Saturday, January 16, 2010
People Hurt, People Invigorate
People make life challenging, rewarding, and most of all spectacular.
Working with people is challenging. I have been working since after school with people who I do not have much in common with other than leadership. The bickering over plans and the drama is so frustrating. Trusting people to do what is needed can be infuriating. Dealing with all the different motivations generally tramples me. Everyone has different lives, yet we are all so similar. Sometimes I wish I could magically work better with my fellow peers, but the marvel of humanity is that a few steps outside my comfort zone can significantly make a difference in my social life and my goals.
Then there are friends. I want the best for my friends, but I make friends with people who go through real challenges in life. While my friends may not be superficial, I try too hard to make their lives better. After reading about Meursault in the Stranger, I realize that I cannot push my beliefs and ideas upon people, but I also know that society exists and if people do care, they have to deal with society. But I try too hard to make my friends lives more balanced and happy. I don't understand my friends entirely and I wish I could stop trying to control them and make their lives better, but usually I just end up trying to fix them like they are a hospital patient. I care about my friends, but I just want to be a good and fun friend. Being chill, being myself is incredibly difficult for me. But I keep doing different things to form my opinions and interests; hopefully this will establish my so-called "fun" side.
But the worst thing is love. I want love so badly, but when I fall in love it seems to hurt so much. I hate the pain, but I sort of love it. I love being in love. I love caring about something. When I am not in love the emptiness is quite unbearable. I don't even know if it is really love, but to realize that that love is in the hands of someone else makes my heart throb. I want it so badly, but it now is really out of reach. And that just makes me love more.
"Kalemba (Wegue Wegue)" - Buraka Som Sistema
Angolan music is awesome.
Working with people is challenging. I have been working since after school with people who I do not have much in common with other than leadership. The bickering over plans and the drama is so frustrating. Trusting people to do what is needed can be infuriating. Dealing with all the different motivations generally tramples me. Everyone has different lives, yet we are all so similar. Sometimes I wish I could magically work better with my fellow peers, but the marvel of humanity is that a few steps outside my comfort zone can significantly make a difference in my social life and my goals.
Then there are friends. I want the best for my friends, but I make friends with people who go through real challenges in life. While my friends may not be superficial, I try too hard to make their lives better. After reading about Meursault in the Stranger, I realize that I cannot push my beliefs and ideas upon people, but I also know that society exists and if people do care, they have to deal with society. But I try too hard to make my friends lives more balanced and happy. I don't understand my friends entirely and I wish I could stop trying to control them and make their lives better, but usually I just end up trying to fix them like they are a hospital patient. I care about my friends, but I just want to be a good and fun friend. Being chill, being myself is incredibly difficult for me. But I keep doing different things to form my opinions and interests; hopefully this will establish my so-called "fun" side.
But the worst thing is love. I want love so badly, but when I fall in love it seems to hurt so much. I hate the pain, but I sort of love it. I love being in love. I love caring about something. When I am not in love the emptiness is quite unbearable. I don't even know if it is really love, but to realize that that love is in the hands of someone else makes my heart throb. I want it so badly, but it now is really out of reach. And that just makes me love more.
"Kalemba (Wegue Wegue)" - Buraka Som Sistema
Angolan music is awesome.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Desperation, Self-Pity, Misery
I feel hopeless and weak. I cannot maintain a schedule. I cannot manage my time. I am faltering as a leader. I am barely maintaining any friendships. Tonight I had a reasonable homework load and extra time to do it. I was determined to sleep before 11:30 so I could be well-rested before my hectic day tomorrow and a test that I barely understand. But now those hopes are dashed. All I worked hard for yesterday night until 2 in the morning has only led to another 2 o'clock in the morning. I have been working so hard since I returned from break.
I just hate myself so much. I wish I could manage my time better. I wish I could stop hating myself so much. I wish I could stop judging myself and be happy with who I am. I wish I could have some confidence.
I hate this cycle every day. The misery is painful. I just hate the hatefulness and the depression. I feel like I am constantly trapped beneath piles of bricks, and I hate myself even more when I realize that there are people really trapped underneath the rubble in Haiti. How can I be so unhappy when my life is perfectly fine? I have a job, but I complain and hate it. I have suitable grades and I think I am fairly intelligent, but I barely scrape by in school and I feel dumb all the time. I have so much in my life, but I feel like I have nothing. I know I have friends, but I feel like I am constantly not doing enough for them.
I hate this so much. I hate living in this repeated feeling. I try so hard to be better, but then the stress catches me and swallows me. I feel like I can never escape the grasp of the stress and the emotions. I wish they would just shut off. I wish I could just focus. I wish I could work faster. I wish I could be more assertive. I wish I could make better decisions.
I am so exhausted all the time. I am tired of wishing for a better day. I don't even know what is better. I just feel like my life is not good. I either need to accept life as it is, or keep pushing harder. Or maybe there is some other way to do things, but I am blinded by the overwhelmingness of life.
I want to abandon this life. I want to leave it behind. How do I change? Will I ever be satisfied? I hate this life. I want it to be better. I just cannot think of how to improve.
I feel like a robot. I feel like all I do is barely function every day. I once had passion. It was the only thing that I liked about myself. Now I don't even have that stripe of dignity. I feel like the lost schooner in the ocean. I don't know what to do, and I think I need help, but I need to find my own way, because I cannot depend on everyone all the time. I hate this so much. I want it to stop. I want to stop living the way I know I don't want to live. But I don't know how I want to live.
My frustration with myself is so strong. I hate myself so much. I want this to be over. I want it all the be calm. I am tired of living up to all these expectations I set up for myself. I want to change, but I feel like my entire life is doomed because of the choices I have made. Why can't I have hope? Why am I so privileged and spoiled, yet so whiny and discontent?
I thought that Haiti would almost save me in a way. It took me out of my misery this morning because I felt like I was fighting for something meaningful. But then my courage and passion dwindled. I need to stop living with my screws falling apart and my body collapsing within. I need to heal my soul. But why me? Why can't I handle it? I feel so hopeless. People tell you you can do anything, but I feel like it is so untrue. I feel like I will never be happy. I feel like I will never be calm. I feel like I will always be this way; and i hate it.
"Set the Fire to the Third Bar" - Snow Patrol
I just hate myself so much. I wish I could manage my time better. I wish I could stop hating myself so much. I wish I could stop judging myself and be happy with who I am. I wish I could have some confidence.
I hate this cycle every day. The misery is painful. I just hate the hatefulness and the depression. I feel like I am constantly trapped beneath piles of bricks, and I hate myself even more when I realize that there are people really trapped underneath the rubble in Haiti. How can I be so unhappy when my life is perfectly fine? I have a job, but I complain and hate it. I have suitable grades and I think I am fairly intelligent, but I barely scrape by in school and I feel dumb all the time. I have so much in my life, but I feel like I have nothing. I know I have friends, but I feel like I am constantly not doing enough for them.
I hate this so much. I hate living in this repeated feeling. I try so hard to be better, but then the stress catches me and swallows me. I feel like I can never escape the grasp of the stress and the emotions. I wish they would just shut off. I wish I could just focus. I wish I could work faster. I wish I could be more assertive. I wish I could make better decisions.
I am so exhausted all the time. I am tired of wishing for a better day. I don't even know what is better. I just feel like my life is not good. I either need to accept life as it is, or keep pushing harder. Or maybe there is some other way to do things, but I am blinded by the overwhelmingness of life.
I want to abandon this life. I want to leave it behind. How do I change? Will I ever be satisfied? I hate this life. I want it to be better. I just cannot think of how to improve.
I feel like a robot. I feel like all I do is barely function every day. I once had passion. It was the only thing that I liked about myself. Now I don't even have that stripe of dignity. I feel like the lost schooner in the ocean. I don't know what to do, and I think I need help, but I need to find my own way, because I cannot depend on everyone all the time. I hate this so much. I want it to stop. I want to stop living the way I know I don't want to live. But I don't know how I want to live.
My frustration with myself is so strong. I hate myself so much. I want this to be over. I want it all the be calm. I am tired of living up to all these expectations I set up for myself. I want to change, but I feel like my entire life is doomed because of the choices I have made. Why can't I have hope? Why am I so privileged and spoiled, yet so whiny and discontent?
I thought that Haiti would almost save me in a way. It took me out of my misery this morning because I felt like I was fighting for something meaningful. But then my courage and passion dwindled. I need to stop living with my screws falling apart and my body collapsing within. I need to heal my soul. But why me? Why can't I handle it? I feel so hopeless. People tell you you can do anything, but I feel like it is so untrue. I feel like I will never be happy. I feel like I will never be calm. I feel like I will always be this way; and i hate it.
"Set the Fire to the Third Bar" - Snow Patrol
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Meursault
You've got issues dude. Yet maybe you know how to live. Maybe apathy and disinterest are better than caring so much. I live in constant fear and worry. I fear losing my friends. I fear loneliness. I hold so many ideals so dear. But if I didn't care it would only make me more selfish. Perhaps that's the way some people want to live, but I like our society enough that I do want to care.
So perhaps I just need to live outside myself a bit. Yes, I need to take care of myself, but once I have the basics I need to prevent myself from being obsessed with happiness. Life requires struggle. Life requires battles, hills and valleys. I am going to stop living so planned and worried. Except when I need to of course. I am going to take care of myself enough that I can slowly chisel away the fear that is a constant detriment. But I mostly need to just accept life enough that I don't become so easily discouraged. Balancing ideals and reality, goals and the moment.
I am strong. I am confident. I will let it out. I will be the lion. I'm ready to move forward and be alive. Really alive. I have to gulp and accept the struggles like Mrs. McVay and learn to live with them. I need to stop treating every day like a chore and start living like it. I need to stop trying to get everyone else to live my life and control the world around me. I need to just be me, accept others, and live for a greater purpose.
There's been threats of war against Yemen, Americans struggling with unemployment, and a massive earthquake in Haiti. There is misery in the world, but I really cannot just pout about it, I must act. And I must act at first thought, with spontaneity and confidence.
"Bulletproof" - La Roux
So perhaps I just need to live outside myself a bit. Yes, I need to take care of myself, but once I have the basics I need to prevent myself from being obsessed with happiness. Life requires struggle. Life requires battles, hills and valleys. I am going to stop living so planned and worried. Except when I need to of course. I am going to take care of myself enough that I can slowly chisel away the fear that is a constant detriment. But I mostly need to just accept life enough that I don't become so easily discouraged. Balancing ideals and reality, goals and the moment.
I am strong. I am confident. I will let it out. I will be the lion. I'm ready to move forward and be alive. Really alive. I have to gulp and accept the struggles like Mrs. McVay and learn to live with them. I need to stop treating every day like a chore and start living like it. I need to stop trying to get everyone else to live my life and control the world around me. I need to just be me, accept others, and live for a greater purpose.
There's been threats of war against Yemen, Americans struggling with unemployment, and a massive earthquake in Haiti. There is misery in the world, but I really cannot just pout about it, I must act. And I must act at first thought, with spontaneity and confidence.
"Bulletproof" - La Roux
Monday, January 11, 2010
Weak
I am weak. I am susceptible to so much sadness. I complain often and thoroughly. I allow myself to be affected by so much, the simple glances of friends, or the expressionlessness of their faces on gloomy days. I cannot control myself at all when I need to, and I struggle to free myself when I should. I let myself be bullied around by the Stats teacher and my boss. I allow kids to take advantage of me and I hinder my friendships with my unwillingness to face the truth when necessary and my bluntness when inappropriate.
Sometimes I need someone to be there for me. But I can't seem to find friendships that work. My best and closest friends seem so distant lately. I can't even see them god help me if I can even chat for ten seconds. It is so difficult to really have a good meaningful conversation with my best companions. I am so exhausted from trying to drag my good friends with me to social things or even to just spend time with them. It makes me sad that I am losing this wonderful people so soon and there's this horrible wall of ambitions, goals, and expectations that separates us. I try to compromise and create the best situation, but I feel like nobody notices how hard I try to make my friendships work. I really need my friends right now. I'm sorry for taking your friendship for granted in the past.
What makes it worse is that there are so many people who are willing to be my friend. But I don't want to be their friend. I want to spend time with the few people I really care about. I put my heart and soul into these friendships sometimes and I feel like it is so painful because they can't return it. I want to give up on these friends and grow closer to the ones who actually have time and reliability, but I can't end these marvelous friendships. I just wish it didn't have to be this challenging. I just wish they cared about this as much as I do.
Maybe I want to be dragged along to something. But then again maybe nobody really cares for me as much as I care for them. Maybe people just feel bad for me. I wish I could find someone who really did think of me as one of their good friends without some guilt trip or something. I look at so many people who have fantastic friendships. I try so hard. But I just don't know how. I get so stressed out trying to say the right thing or make the best plans. And I know that just makes it worse, but I don't know how else to live.
My biggest fear is that I could die and that I would be forgotten in a few days. Maybe a few people would remember me for a few weeks. But I feel like I am just one of those people that everyone wants to just get rid of. Like spoiled fruit.
"Help Me" - Alkaline Trio
Would someone save me if I was kidnapped or trapped on train tracks? What about you?
Sometimes I need someone to be there for me. But I can't seem to find friendships that work. My best and closest friends seem so distant lately. I can't even see them god help me if I can even chat for ten seconds. It is so difficult to really have a good meaningful conversation with my best companions. I am so exhausted from trying to drag my good friends with me to social things or even to just spend time with them. It makes me sad that I am losing this wonderful people so soon and there's this horrible wall of ambitions, goals, and expectations that separates us. I try to compromise and create the best situation, but I feel like nobody notices how hard I try to make my friendships work. I really need my friends right now. I'm sorry for taking your friendship for granted in the past.
What makes it worse is that there are so many people who are willing to be my friend. But I don't want to be their friend. I want to spend time with the few people I really care about. I put my heart and soul into these friendships sometimes and I feel like it is so painful because they can't return it. I want to give up on these friends and grow closer to the ones who actually have time and reliability, but I can't end these marvelous friendships. I just wish it didn't have to be this challenging. I just wish they cared about this as much as I do.
Maybe I want to be dragged along to something. But then again maybe nobody really cares for me as much as I care for them. Maybe people just feel bad for me. I wish I could find someone who really did think of me as one of their good friends without some guilt trip or something. I look at so many people who have fantastic friendships. I try so hard. But I just don't know how. I get so stressed out trying to say the right thing or make the best plans. And I know that just makes it worse, but I don't know how else to live.
My biggest fear is that I could die and that I would be forgotten in a few days. Maybe a few people would remember me for a few weeks. But I feel like I am just one of those people that everyone wants to just get rid of. Like spoiled fruit.
"Help Me" - Alkaline Trio
Would someone save me if I was kidnapped or trapped on train tracks? What about you?
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Shalom
Peace is vital. With a calm mind and a calm spirit, suddenly everything becomes enlivened. If we can find the peace at the moments of tension and stress then we can suddenly think clearer, open our hearts, and be ourselves.
I try to listen to music or exercise, but the most effective way for me to calm down is to breathe. Breathing is so intrinsic to human being. Through breathing I can be free inside even when a battle surrounds me. Life may be a neverending battle, but from within I can decipher through all the crap thrown at me and find my voice, my heart, my life. It's hard to live without the influence of everyone around me, but I need to do it sometimes. I have to free myself from the distractions and the expectations. But they won't leave, so I have to only flee for that amount of time in which I can return. Unless I realize that return is not a worthy option.
Perhaps it makes no sense, but I am starting to really deal with my life step by step. For some reason I really do want to get things done now. I did my hw before 11 for the first time on a Sunday. And I had tons of hw, hung out with friends twice, and finished two more college apps. I guess effectiveness comes when you don't even sense it. I wasn't even that stressed this night!
I've done a ton of stupid things in my life. But sometimes we just need to forget about all of it. That's how we move onward. Take that suitcase like the African immigrants attacked in Italy, and move forward. Escape the harassment like the Togolese soccer players who were attacked in Angola. Quench the embers of resentment from the past as Yemen, yet another country threatens to be the next terror center and American bloodbath.
I want to fall in love. That sounds like a nice proposition. Thank God it's 2010.
"Trouble" - Coldplay
I try to listen to music or exercise, but the most effective way for me to calm down is to breathe. Breathing is so intrinsic to human being. Through breathing I can be free inside even when a battle surrounds me. Life may be a neverending battle, but from within I can decipher through all the crap thrown at me and find my voice, my heart, my life. It's hard to live without the influence of everyone around me, but I need to do it sometimes. I have to free myself from the distractions and the expectations. But they won't leave, so I have to only flee for that amount of time in which I can return. Unless I realize that return is not a worthy option.
Perhaps it makes no sense, but I am starting to really deal with my life step by step. For some reason I really do want to get things done now. I did my hw before 11 for the first time on a Sunday. And I had tons of hw, hung out with friends twice, and finished two more college apps. I guess effectiveness comes when you don't even sense it. I wasn't even that stressed this night!
I've done a ton of stupid things in my life. But sometimes we just need to forget about all of it. That's how we move onward. Take that suitcase like the African immigrants attacked in Italy, and move forward. Escape the harassment like the Togolese soccer players who were attacked in Angola. Quench the embers of resentment from the past as Yemen, yet another country threatens to be the next terror center and American bloodbath.
I want to fall in love. That sounds like a nice proposition. Thank God it's 2010.
"Trouble" - Coldplay
It really does help
Friendship. I thought it was a distraction. But now that I am not trying to fix myself through isolation and punishment, I am succeeding. I am hanging out with friends in moderation so that I can actually enjoy my time with them and get stuff done. I still have things to do. But I have been rather successful today, and happy. Only part of one short essay left for college apps, about an hour or so of editing, and a few small homework assignments. Tomorrow won't be entirely easy, but it won't be horrible.
Calm. Breathing. Sleep. Meditate. Live. Laugh. Love.
If I could learn anything about Avatar from other than what I already know about fearing corporate materialism and coldheartedness, is to yearn for discovery and learning in a full awareness. I think that I need to be more open-minded when I learn about things. That's how my grades in english and stats have suffered, when I have been closed-minded. Even with something I know well I need to be open-minded. But I cannot stop loving the things I do. I love the spirit of discovery, but I believe that discovery should be for that purpose only instead of for profit or vengeance. I'll stay my nerdy self and keep loving science, people, and life.
"I'm Not Your Toy" - La Roux
My current favorite song. Listen to it; it's amazing.
Calm. Breathing. Sleep. Meditate. Live. Laugh. Love.
If I could learn anything about Avatar from other than what I already know about fearing corporate materialism and coldheartedness, is to yearn for discovery and learning in a full awareness. I think that I need to be more open-minded when I learn about things. That's how my grades in english and stats have suffered, when I have been closed-minded. Even with something I know well I need to be open-minded. But I cannot stop loving the things I do. I love the spirit of discovery, but I believe that discovery should be for that purpose only instead of for profit or vengeance. I'll stay my nerdy self and keep loving science, people, and life.
"I'm Not Your Toy" - La Roux
My current favorite song. Listen to it; it's amazing.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
A Closed Mind
Sometimes what is right in front of us is the best thing. Or the less arduous route might actually be better.
Looking at the Occidental Urban and Environmental Policy Institute's programs so that I can write my essay quickly, I am ashamed that I overlooked this school until now. The programs are spectacular and exactly what I am seeking.
Or tonight I hung out with a few friends who I haven't spent time with in many months. It was wonderful and freeing. It was nice to actually have people want me to be with them instead of all the effort I put forth to seek out the friends who don't ever seem like they want to be with me. It gets tiring calling and organizing ways to be with friends only to have them bail out on you. And in all my effort to build my friendships with these people I ignore the friends who are right there for me, happy to be with me no matter what.
And then there was the new Chinese restaurant I went to today. It was the most delicious Chinese food I've ever had and it was just this small overlooked place in Gilman Village. It's only been open for a week, but I hope it stays because it is spectacularly delicious.
My life has been so wild this week. I've cried so much. I've been through a lot of mental and spiritual pain. I have been struggling so much for so long. I still feel the misery, but it is diminishing.
My fortune cookie told me that my problems will be fixed faster than I think. I hope it is true.
"According to You" - Orianthi
Looking at the Occidental Urban and Environmental Policy Institute's programs so that I can write my essay quickly, I am ashamed that I overlooked this school until now. The programs are spectacular and exactly what I am seeking.
Or tonight I hung out with a few friends who I haven't spent time with in many months. It was wonderful and freeing. It was nice to actually have people want me to be with them instead of all the effort I put forth to seek out the friends who don't ever seem like they want to be with me. It gets tiring calling and organizing ways to be with friends only to have them bail out on you. And in all my effort to build my friendships with these people I ignore the friends who are right there for me, happy to be with me no matter what.
And then there was the new Chinese restaurant I went to today. It was the most delicious Chinese food I've ever had and it was just this small overlooked place in Gilman Village. It's only been open for a week, but I hope it stays because it is spectacularly delicious.
My life has been so wild this week. I've cried so much. I've been through a lot of mental and spiritual pain. I have been struggling so much for so long. I still feel the misery, but it is diminishing.
My fortune cookie told me that my problems will be fixed faster than I think. I hope it is true.
"According to You" - Orianthi
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
I am not a robot
Today was the most miserable day I've had in a long time. What I hate most about it was that I had nothing to really set me off. All it was was this feeling of hopelessness, fatigue, and misery. I didn't feel like I deserved these feelings which made me feel guilty and worse. I just kept going and I just kept feeling worse. I hate myself so much. I hate my miserable sulkiness. I hate how much I try to change and how I never do. I hate how much hope I have but how little action I take. I hate that I hate myself.
When I actually talked to people about this idea of depression, I faced so many different reactions. But all I could do is be scared. Frightened by the amount of life I have lost through this depression. Worried about my future. Scared by the reactions. Fearful of the consequences. I tried to explain how much I have tried to change to people. Only some people understood. I tried to get through how I really do try to be happy, but it just doesn't happen. I try to explain how I find everything so morbid so often.
I can't even make a conversation without giving advice or talking about school or whining.
I can't even do simple chores at home.
I can't wake up in happiness or end my day fulfilled.
I can't be happy for no reason.
I can't be proud for my accomplishments.
I am tired of feeling like dirt. I'm tired of giving myself excuses for this problem. I wish it wasn't really this bad. But it is. It has transformed me into this monster I never want to be.
I want to be free. I imagine myself as a better person. five inches taller. Cool, bright clothes. girlfriend. able to communicate. deeper voice. longer not black hair. not black eyes. knows what to say. knows what to do with his hands. knows when to be calm. sits at the party and is just cool for being cool. but most of all just satisfied with life as it is. energized. excited. but never miserable and negative all the time.
I dream of this better person and I know I can't change my eye or hair color, but I can change my personality a bit. Right now I don't even know what my personality is other than whiny and self-centered. I want to change that. I just wish I knew how.
"I Am Not a Robot" - Marina and the Diamonds
When I actually talked to people about this idea of depression, I faced so many different reactions. But all I could do is be scared. Frightened by the amount of life I have lost through this depression. Worried about my future. Scared by the reactions. Fearful of the consequences. I tried to explain how much I have tried to change to people. Only some people understood. I tried to get through how I really do try to be happy, but it just doesn't happen. I try to explain how I find everything so morbid so often.
I can't even make a conversation without giving advice or talking about school or whining.
I can't even do simple chores at home.
I can't wake up in happiness or end my day fulfilled.
I can't be happy for no reason.
I can't be proud for my accomplishments.
I am tired of feeling like dirt. I'm tired of giving myself excuses for this problem. I wish it wasn't really this bad. But it is. It has transformed me into this monster I never want to be.
I want to be free. I imagine myself as a better person. five inches taller. Cool, bright clothes. girlfriend. able to communicate. deeper voice. longer not black hair. not black eyes. knows what to say. knows what to do with his hands. knows when to be calm. sits at the party and is just cool for being cool. but most of all just satisfied with life as it is. energized. excited. but never miserable and negative all the time.
I dream of this better person and I know I can't change my eye or hair color, but I can change my personality a bit. Right now I don't even know what my personality is other than whiny and self-centered. I want to change that. I just wish I knew how.
"I Am Not a Robot" - Marina and the Diamonds
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
This Emotional Life
"Facing Our Fears"
http://video.pbs.org/video/1376604046/
Is there an answer? I watched this documentary and I have never empathized with a person like the girl who suffers depression in this one. I hate my life sometimes. As the girl says, she's "tired of living with this brain that does not work."
For years, I have had these same feelings. Hopelessness. Emptiness. I have been blessed with such a marvelous life, one of incredible comfort in Issaquah. My school's have been fantastic, the friends I have made have been even more extraordinary. I have been gifted with intelligence and you'd think that after my straight As and geography bees and awards that I would be happy. But it all started with that geography bee. Ever since seventh grade I have felt this miserable moodiness and frustration. A 95% grade wasn't good enough. I lashed out at friends who "held me back." I have yelled and bickered with my mom since then. I have been a horrible and annoying brother. I have taken advantage of my family in so many ways and I have never given back. I have created this persona of misery and I keep digging myself deeper every day.
I don't even know how to describe how I feel. I seek answers. I wonder if its my workload. I wonder if it was the way I was raised. Or maybe my sexuality. Or perhaps the weather. But nothing seems to solve it. And as the years have gone on it has only gotten worse. I wish I could give a better reason, but it all makes sense.
Depression actually shrinks the hippocampus and is actually a medical condition that we just can't see on the outside except through the misery that we exhibit. People tell me to just stop. People tell me to get over it. People tell me things will be better. People tell me to adjust my schedule and do less. People tell me to do so many things, but none of it seems to work.
It's not sadness I feel. It's more like the non-existence of happiness. I can't find happiness where it used to be. Facebook bores me. Dances have lost their magical fun. Parties are gloomy. School activities seem burdensome. I spend tons of time reading the same articles on wikipedia or playing tetris, not thinking, not living. I hate it, but I can't find joy in anything these days. I don't try as hard to keep myself healthy. I don't care about what people think, I just assume everyone is negative. This morning we were handed back evaluations in ASB. I was freaked out. I only noticed the negative comments and the B I received. But I think more rationally and I still cannot see the positives. I struggle to learn from the criticism. I left school today feeling pitiful. I wanted to complain about my life to someone. I wanted an outlet. But there is no outlet. I talk to people. I exercise sometimes. But usually I feel so hopeless that I don't even bother trying that hard.
I haven't always been like this, but I guess my entire high school life I have been. Thank god for maturity otherwise I would be in some mental asylum. I have grown just through the development of my pre-frontal cortex, but I have been struggling emotionally more and more. I just keep reading my past journal and blog entries and I cannot remember a time when I was really happy. Yes, I've been happy when I've accomplished things or when I've seen something spectacular. This gives me hope that I'm not that severely depressed. But its the feeling of those ordinary days. When I just want to sleep. When I just want to whine. When I just want everyone to shut up. When I stop trying to learn.
I have always loved learning. Until this year. This has been the most difficult year for me. The stress didn't help, but I have lost it emotionally. I have been detracted from my friends. I have been detracted from life. I haven't cared about my religion. I don't know how to change. I don't know what to do. I don't even enjoy learning anymore, I just search for the quick shortcuts. I love government but I feel even dull in that class, and in every class. Sometimes my moods overcome me and I just make the people around me miserable. I see myself slipping away from the world and I wonder if I will end up just being forgotten one day.
I have lost so much of my life to this struggle. I have lost bonding time and relationship time. I worry that I will never be able to marry at this rate. Or even make new friends. Or keep the ones I have now. I worry that I won't be able to handle any future jobs or challenges because I have lost so much interest. I worry that I will never be happy again.
I wish someone understood me. I wish someone understood how hard I try to be better. I wish someone would understand that my moodiness is not directed at them, but that I am just falling apart on the inside and shrieking for help. I wish someone would accept this imperfection that controls my life and just help me come back to the surface so I can breathe.
Do you know what it feels like to wake up in the morning and be happy? Do you know what it feels like to love? Do you know how it feels to be randomly happy for no reason? Do you know what it feels like to have passion for something? I once did, I think. But the memories are fading and overwhelmed by the misery I feel every day. I feel trapped and lost. I feel guilty for putting my family and friends through this. I feel lifeless. And I know that's can't be good.
"Under the Sheets" - Ellie Goulding
http://video.pbs.org/video/1376604046/
Is there an answer? I watched this documentary and I have never empathized with a person like the girl who suffers depression in this one. I hate my life sometimes. As the girl says, she's "tired of living with this brain that does not work."
For years, I have had these same feelings. Hopelessness. Emptiness. I have been blessed with such a marvelous life, one of incredible comfort in Issaquah. My school's have been fantastic, the friends I have made have been even more extraordinary. I have been gifted with intelligence and you'd think that after my straight As and geography bees and awards that I would be happy. But it all started with that geography bee. Ever since seventh grade I have felt this miserable moodiness and frustration. A 95% grade wasn't good enough. I lashed out at friends who "held me back." I have yelled and bickered with my mom since then. I have been a horrible and annoying brother. I have taken advantage of my family in so many ways and I have never given back. I have created this persona of misery and I keep digging myself deeper every day.
I don't even know how to describe how I feel. I seek answers. I wonder if its my workload. I wonder if it was the way I was raised. Or maybe my sexuality. Or perhaps the weather. But nothing seems to solve it. And as the years have gone on it has only gotten worse. I wish I could give a better reason, but it all makes sense.
Depression actually shrinks the hippocampus and is actually a medical condition that we just can't see on the outside except through the misery that we exhibit. People tell me to just stop. People tell me to get over it. People tell me things will be better. People tell me to adjust my schedule and do less. People tell me to do so many things, but none of it seems to work.
It's not sadness I feel. It's more like the non-existence of happiness. I can't find happiness where it used to be. Facebook bores me. Dances have lost their magical fun. Parties are gloomy. School activities seem burdensome. I spend tons of time reading the same articles on wikipedia or playing tetris, not thinking, not living. I hate it, but I can't find joy in anything these days. I don't try as hard to keep myself healthy. I don't care about what people think, I just assume everyone is negative. This morning we were handed back evaluations in ASB. I was freaked out. I only noticed the negative comments and the B I received. But I think more rationally and I still cannot see the positives. I struggle to learn from the criticism. I left school today feeling pitiful. I wanted to complain about my life to someone. I wanted an outlet. But there is no outlet. I talk to people. I exercise sometimes. But usually I feel so hopeless that I don't even bother trying that hard.
I haven't always been like this, but I guess my entire high school life I have been. Thank god for maturity otherwise I would be in some mental asylum. I have grown just through the development of my pre-frontal cortex, but I have been struggling emotionally more and more. I just keep reading my past journal and blog entries and I cannot remember a time when I was really happy. Yes, I've been happy when I've accomplished things or when I've seen something spectacular. This gives me hope that I'm not that severely depressed. But its the feeling of those ordinary days. When I just want to sleep. When I just want to whine. When I just want everyone to shut up. When I stop trying to learn.
I have always loved learning. Until this year. This has been the most difficult year for me. The stress didn't help, but I have lost it emotionally. I have been detracted from my friends. I have been detracted from life. I haven't cared about my religion. I don't know how to change. I don't know what to do. I don't even enjoy learning anymore, I just search for the quick shortcuts. I love government but I feel even dull in that class, and in every class. Sometimes my moods overcome me and I just make the people around me miserable. I see myself slipping away from the world and I wonder if I will end up just being forgotten one day.
I have lost so much of my life to this struggle. I have lost bonding time and relationship time. I worry that I will never be able to marry at this rate. Or even make new friends. Or keep the ones I have now. I worry that I won't be able to handle any future jobs or challenges because I have lost so much interest. I worry that I will never be happy again.
I wish someone understood me. I wish someone understood how hard I try to be better. I wish someone would understand that my moodiness is not directed at them, but that I am just falling apart on the inside and shrieking for help. I wish someone would accept this imperfection that controls my life and just help me come back to the surface so I can breathe.
Do you know what it feels like to wake up in the morning and be happy? Do you know what it feels like to love? Do you know how it feels to be randomly happy for no reason? Do you know what it feels like to have passion for something? I once did, I think. But the memories are fading and overwhelmed by the misery I feel every day. I feel trapped and lost. I feel guilty for putting my family and friends through this. I feel lifeless. And I know that's can't be good.
"Under the Sheets" - Ellie Goulding
Sunday, January 3, 2010
New Year's Resolutions
-Build stronger friendships with at least one person each day
-Learn something new/challenge my mind every day
-EXERCISE four times a week at least
-Meditate 1 min. every morning
-Limit Internet use
-Think before speaking
-Read a book each month
-Be at my "dream" college
-Sleep well
-Eat well
-Give back to the community at least 2 times a month
-Find happiness even when the situations are rough
-Write out receipts and maintain a budget
-Reward myself once a month with a fabulous social activity
-Achieve my black belt by practicing one thing each week
-Breathe before reacting
The new year. It comes by and gives us a chance to start anew. But really life doesn't start fresh on January 1st. All that plagues us remains, but on the bright side, we have learned so much in our past year that we can now apply to this next year. Really it just gives us hope for a new beginning, inspiration for a refreshed outlook.
2010 is my year. I know it will be great. College acceptances. Scholarships. 18th birthday. Graduation. Parties. Summer. COLLEGE. Freedom. Life. And then it'll be 2011.
"Break the Sky" - The Hush Sound
The only way we can make the change is if we break that sky that we believe holds us back. If we can defeat the insurmountable fear by ourselves we can achieve anything. It seems crazy, but we can defeat fear in the smallest ways. I'll try to surprise myself.
-Learn something new/challenge my mind every day
-EXERCISE four times a week at least
-Meditate 1 min. every morning
-Limit Internet use
-Think before speaking
-Read a book each month
-Be at my "dream" college
-Sleep well
-Eat well
-Give back to the community at least 2 times a month
-Find happiness even when the situations are rough
-Write out receipts and maintain a budget
-Reward myself once a month with a fabulous social activity
-Achieve my black belt by practicing one thing each week
-Breathe before reacting
The new year. It comes by and gives us a chance to start anew. But really life doesn't start fresh on January 1st. All that plagues us remains, but on the bright side, we have learned so much in our past year that we can now apply to this next year. Really it just gives us hope for a new beginning, inspiration for a refreshed outlook.
2010 is my year. I know it will be great. College acceptances. Scholarships. 18th birthday. Graduation. Parties. Summer. COLLEGE. Freedom. Life. And then it'll be 2011.
"Break the Sky" - The Hush Sound
The only way we can make the change is if we break that sky that we believe holds us back. If we can defeat the insurmountable fear by ourselves we can achieve anything. It seems crazy, but we can defeat fear in the smallest ways. I'll try to surprise myself.
Return from SoCal Sunshine
California was spectacular. The new house my aunt and uncle own in Rancho Bernardo, north-east of San Diego has the most glorious views and I relaxed beneath the bright sunshine every day. Christmastime with three baby cousins was so warm and joyful. That feeling of family just bubbles inside my soul. Those cute little babies... oh my... I got to see the bad side of SoCal too, the sprawl of Riverside County, the poverty and ugliness of Los Angeles, and the superfluousity of the malls. I had so many revelations and so many magnificent learning experiences under the sun... and now I'm back here.
The beach inspired me. The pier at Santa Monica dazzled my spirits. The LA glamor entranced me (I have never seen such luxury as in Beverly Hills... malls with wine glasses, silverware, and pomegranate steak baos...) The family gatherings pressured me to be a better Asian. The Museum of Tolerance instilled me with a purpose (and pressured me to be a better Jew). The second cousin who goes to Berkeley encouraged me. The extravagance of Orange County and Encino sickened me. The rides at Magic Mountain invigorated me. So much, so much. I listened to my new music. Visited another college and now I'm doing another app. I read Push. I made new year's resolutions. I breathed in horrid smog. I saw fantastic vistas along the Pacific and the San Gabriels. I ate Mexico City style cuisine.
My vacation was marvelous. I was free for those ten days. Free from the fears of my future. Free from the pressures of Kumon, friends, martial arts, school, class council, and the endless list of my worries. California always inspires me to follow my dreams. One day I will be in California. It won't be easy, but I think this new year has many fresh ideas and possibilities for me. I have learned a lot through my meditations in California and I am ready to face the world.
2010, here I am. here's to next fall in California!
"Counterpoint" - Delphic
The beach inspired me. The pier at Santa Monica dazzled my spirits. The LA glamor entranced me (I have never seen such luxury as in Beverly Hills... malls with wine glasses, silverware, and pomegranate steak baos...) The family gatherings pressured me to be a better Asian. The Museum of Tolerance instilled me with a purpose (and pressured me to be a better Jew). The second cousin who goes to Berkeley encouraged me. The extravagance of Orange County and Encino sickened me. The rides at Magic Mountain invigorated me. So much, so much. I listened to my new music. Visited another college and now I'm doing another app. I read Push. I made new year's resolutions. I breathed in horrid smog. I saw fantastic vistas along the Pacific and the San Gabriels. I ate Mexico City style cuisine.
My vacation was marvelous. I was free for those ten days. Free from the fears of my future. Free from the pressures of Kumon, friends, martial arts, school, class council, and the endless list of my worries. California always inspires me to follow my dreams. One day I will be in California. It won't be easy, but I think this new year has many fresh ideas and possibilities for me. I have learned a lot through my meditations in California and I am ready to face the world.
2010, here I am. here's to next fall in California!
"Counterpoint" - Delphic
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