I am not a robot

Today was the most miserable day I've had in a long time. What I hate most about it was that I had nothing to really set me off. All it was was this feeling of hopelessness, fatigue, and misery. I didn't feel like I deserved these feelings which made me feel guilty and worse. I just kept going and I just kept feeling worse. I hate myself so much. I hate my miserable sulkiness. I hate how much I try to change and how I never do. I hate how much hope I have but how little action I take. I hate that I hate myself.

When I actually talked to people about this idea of depression, I faced so many different reactions. But all I could do is be scared. Frightened by the amount of life I have lost through this depression. Worried about my future. Scared by the reactions. Fearful of the consequences. I tried to explain how much I have tried to change to people. Only some people understood. I tried to get through how I really do try to be happy, but it just doesn't happen. I try to explain how I find everything so morbid so often.

I can't even make a conversation without giving advice or talking about school or whining.

I can't even do simple chores at home.

I can't wake up in happiness or end my day fulfilled.

I can't be happy for no reason.

I can't be proud for my accomplishments.

I am tired of feeling like dirt. I'm tired of giving myself excuses for this problem. I wish it wasn't really this bad. But it is. It has transformed me into this monster I never want to be.


I want to be free. I imagine myself as a better person. five inches taller. Cool, bright clothes. girlfriend. able to communicate. deeper voice. longer not black hair. not black eyes. knows what to say. knows what to do with his hands. knows when to be calm. sits at the party and is just cool for being cool. but most of all just satisfied with life as it is. energized. excited. but never miserable and negative all the time.

I dream of this better person and I know I can't change my eye or hair color, but I can change my personality a bit. Right now I don't even know what my personality is other than whiny and self-centered. I want to change that. I just wish I knew how.

"I Am Not a Robot" - Marina and the Diamonds