Weak

I am weak. I am susceptible to so much sadness. I complain often and thoroughly. I allow myself to be affected by so much, the simple glances of friends, or the expressionlessness of their faces on gloomy days. I cannot control myself at all when I need to, and I struggle to free myself when I should. I let myself be bullied around by the Stats teacher and my boss. I allow kids to take advantage of me and I hinder my friendships with my unwillingness to face the truth when necessary and my bluntness when inappropriate.

Sometimes I need someone to be there for me. But I can't seem to find friendships that work. My best and closest friends seem so distant lately. I can't even see them god help me if I can even chat for ten seconds. It is so difficult to really have a good meaningful conversation with my best companions. I am so exhausted from trying to drag my good friends with me to social things or even to just spend time with them. It makes me sad that I am losing this wonderful people so soon and there's this horrible wall of ambitions, goals, and expectations that separates us. I try to compromise and create the best situation, but I feel like nobody notices how hard I try to make my friendships work. I really need my friends right now. I'm sorry for taking your friendship for granted in the past.

What makes it worse is that there are so many people who are willing to be my friend. But I don't want to be their friend. I want to spend time with the few people I really care about. I put my heart and soul into these friendships sometimes and I feel like it is so painful because they can't return it. I want to give up on these friends and grow closer to the ones who actually have time and reliability, but I can't end these marvelous friendships. I just wish it didn't have to be this challenging. I just wish they cared about this as much as I do.

Maybe I want to be dragged along to something. But then again maybe nobody really cares for me as much as I care for them. Maybe people just feel bad for me. I wish I could find someone who really did think of me as one of their good friends without some guilt trip or something. I look at so many people who have fantastic friendships. I try so hard. But I just don't know how. I get so stressed out trying to say the right thing or make the best plans. And I know that just makes it worse, but I don't know how else to live.

My biggest fear is that I could die and that I would be forgotten in a few days. Maybe a few people would remember me for a few weeks. But I feel like I am just one of those people that everyone wants to just get rid of. Like spoiled fruit.

"Help Me" - Alkaline Trio



Would someone save me if I was kidnapped or trapped on train tracks? What about you?