I feel so weak sometimes. Today was okay. But I am so worried about finals. I want to keep my grades and improve the bad ones. I wish I had balanced this entire past semester better. I have so many regrets this entire past few months. I wish I had taken care of myself a little more. Taken more risks in life.
I wish I had risked to be myself. To smile. To believe in myself. To ask for help. To take the time to exercise or eat well. To limit my ballooning habit of procrastination. To enjoy life a little more.
In the depths of November, December and these past few weeks I have lived in utter misery and accepted it. It wasn't like I needed to improve my life, but my outlook dragged me into this deep abyss that I am struggling to escape out of.
I am aware that this journey will not end with some sudden party of realization and perpetual happiness. But I just wish my mind would stop wandering down the path of hopelessness and misery.
I was just told that I am not a good match with my crush. And the Democrats lost their seat in Massachusetts. These are both small knicks at my surface, but they seem to penetrate so far. What seems like a cut seems to bleed incessantly and painfully. I don't know how to stop the bleeding; I just panic and collapse.
I want to find peace. I want serenity. I want joy and sadness and all, but I don't want all this instability. I am so tired of it. I am so tired of it. I want to stop being so unusual and just fit in with the rest of normal society, without losing my identity. But am I anyone other than the whiny hissy-fit boy who acts gay and complains about everything in life and hurt people and once shined academically and now struggles with school and everything else in life?
I wish I was stronger and more able to handle all of this. But as I conclude I am just a weakling.
"Warmer Climate" - Snow Patrol
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