A Closed Heart

Acceptance.

I cannot change anyone. I cannot make someone better. I cannot help someone fix their problems. I cannot force someone to be my friend.

I am a control freak. For most of my life I have gotten everything I have wanted. I get good grades usually without much effort. I succeed in achievements without much care. I get my friends to do things for me without complaint. I make my parents clean and serve me without gratitude. I send a text message to Haiti instead of actually making an impact.
My entire life I have been lead to believe that I can be the master of my own world. That I can do anything if I try my hardest and I believe in myself. Yet it is entirely untrue. I cannot just plow the people around me to succeed. I cannot drag my friends into my misery or attempt to help them for selfish purposes.

I am sorry to my friends who I have not accepted. The friends who I have closed my heart to in fear and selfishness. I really wish I knew how to live a better life. I really wish I knew how to listen better. I wish I wasn't jealous that I don't get to spend time with some friends. I always put myself on this high and mighty pedestle and now after all the grade declines and SATs and losses of sleep and broken friendships I feel like I have lost so much in my life. I have lost both my spirits and my support at times. I am a monster and I hate it.

At the same time I do have love. I just wish I had maturity and direction. My friends are so mature and wise, and I am so backwards, spoiled, dependent, and selfish. I feel like a toddler. I know so much about the world, yet I don't know anything. I don't understand how to be a true friend. I don't understand how to be happy with myself. I don't understand how people react. I don't get it when people are busy and can't hang out with me. I don't know how to make friends without controlling my friends.

Sometimes I feel like I only lead so I can control more. I think I am power hungry.

Today was awesome. Planning summer excursions. Fremont! The troll, Lenin, rockets, raspberry croissants, and all the vintage shopping. I love Seattle sometimes. But it would have been nothing without my marvelous friends. Thank God I have friends who are willing to accept me for all my flaws and all my monstrosities. I can only attempt to be as mature as them one day.

I am finally free from so many burdens, but now I am lost. What do I do with all my free time? Will I plan more? Will I sleep? Will I write? Will I hang out? Freedom is quite a burden itself.

"This Momentary" - Delphic