Doubts

I spent today doing basically nothing. I finished my homework. I slept a lot. I worked out. I watched the US figure skating championships. I thought a lot about life.

About being alone all day. About my dreams for college. Looking at all the scholarships and realizing that financially my lofty dreams are not feasible. Being inside all day away from people. Thinking about loneliness.

Mostly however I feel this sense of doubt. Self-doubt.

I constantly seek this answer in life. This ultimate panacea, but I am overwhelmed by my own doubts. I doubt my intelligence. I doubt my character. I doubt my friendships. I doubt my abilities. I doubt everything. At times I feel like I have nothing to live for. I know if I had some self-confidence I would be a better person. Or would I be? Maybe I would be full of myself and dearth of empathy. But I know already how to hold back those sides of confidence, I just don't know how to show confidence that builds trust, inspiration, and rapport. I lack so much self-confidence that I cannot face the problems in my life or proudly present myself to society.

Thank god for all my flaws. They force me to be more confident. My struggles with friendships, emotions, grade acceptance, procrastination, stress, family, and life in general are really great in the long-run.

On another point - I wonder what it takes to be a friend with some people. I know I have to accept them, but don't they have to accept me as well? Can a friendship be built without common interest? So many questions, perhaps I have too many. What is the meaning of friendship? Am I a good friend?

I think I want to just make more of an effort toward my friendships. Building real and meaningful friendships. It takes time and interest which I am willing to devote. There is no magical way to build friendships, but I will make it happen.

"Doubt" Delphic