Desperation, Self-Pity, Misery

I feel hopeless and weak. I cannot maintain a schedule. I cannot manage my time. I am faltering as a leader. I am barely maintaining any friendships. Tonight I had a reasonable homework load and extra time to do it. I was determined to sleep before 11:30 so I could be well-rested before my hectic day tomorrow and a test that I barely understand. But now those hopes are dashed. All I worked hard for yesterday night until 2 in the morning has only led to another 2 o'clock in the morning. I have been working so hard since I returned from break.

I just hate myself so much. I wish I could manage my time better. I wish I could stop hating myself so much. I wish I could stop judging myself and be happy with who I am. I wish I could have some confidence.

I hate this cycle every day. The misery is painful. I just hate the hatefulness and the depression. I feel like I am constantly trapped beneath piles of bricks, and I hate myself even more when I realize that there are people really trapped underneath the rubble in Haiti. How can I be so unhappy when my life is perfectly fine? I have a job, but I complain and hate it. I have suitable grades and I think I am fairly intelligent, but I barely scrape by in school and I feel dumb all the time. I have so much in my life, but I feel like I have nothing. I know I have friends, but I feel like I am constantly not doing enough for them.

I hate this so much. I hate living in this repeated feeling. I try so hard to be better, but then the stress catches me and swallows me. I feel like I can never escape the grasp of the stress and the emotions. I wish they would just shut off. I wish I could just focus. I wish I could work faster. I wish I could be more assertive. I wish I could make better decisions.

I am so exhausted all the time. I am tired of wishing for a better day. I don't even know what is better. I just feel like my life is not good. I either need to accept life as it is, or keep pushing harder. Or maybe there is some other way to do things, but I am blinded by the overwhelmingness of life.

I want to abandon this life. I want to leave it behind. How do I change? Will I ever be satisfied? I hate this life. I want it to be better. I just cannot think of how to improve.

I feel like a robot. I feel like all I do is barely function every day. I once had passion. It was the only thing that I liked about myself. Now I don't even have that stripe of dignity. I feel like the lost schooner in the ocean. I don't know what to do, and I think I need help, but I need to find my own way, because I cannot depend on everyone all the time. I hate this so much. I want it to stop. I want to stop living the way I know I don't want to live. But I don't know how I want to live.

My frustration with myself is so strong. I hate myself so much. I want this to be over. I want it all the be calm. I am tired of living up to all these expectations I set up for myself. I want to change, but I feel like my entire life is doomed because of the choices I have made. Why can't I have hope? Why am I so privileged and spoiled, yet so whiny and discontent?

I thought that Haiti would almost save me in a way. It took me out of my misery this morning because I felt like I was fighting for something meaningful. But then my courage and passion dwindled. I need to stop living with my screws falling apart and my body collapsing within. I need to heal my soul. But why me? Why can't I handle it? I feel so hopeless. People tell you you can do anything, but I feel like it is so untrue. I feel like I will never be happy. I feel like I will never be calm. I feel like I will always be this way; and i hate it.

"Set the Fire to the Third Bar" - Snow Patrol