This Emotional Life

"Facing Our Fears"

http://video.pbs.org/video/1376604046/

Is there an answer? I watched this documentary and I have never empathized with a person like the girl who suffers depression in this one. I hate my life sometimes. As the girl says, she's "tired of living with this brain that does not work."

For years, I have had these same feelings. Hopelessness. Emptiness. I have been blessed with such a marvelous life, one of incredible comfort in Issaquah. My school's have been fantastic, the friends I have made have been even more extraordinary. I have been gifted with intelligence and you'd think that after my straight As and geography bees and awards that I would be happy. But it all started with that geography bee. Ever since seventh grade I have felt this miserable moodiness and frustration. A 95% grade wasn't good enough. I lashed out at friends who "held me back." I have yelled and bickered with my mom since then. I have been a horrible and annoying brother. I have taken advantage of my family in so many ways and I have never given back. I have created this persona of misery and I keep digging myself deeper every day.

I don't even know how to describe how I feel. I seek answers. I wonder if its my workload. I wonder if it was the way I was raised. Or maybe my sexuality. Or perhaps the weather. But nothing seems to solve it. And as the years have gone on it has only gotten worse. I wish I could give a better reason, but it all makes sense.

Depression actually shrinks the hippocampus and is actually a medical condition that we just can't see on the outside except through the misery that we exhibit. People tell me to just stop. People tell me to get over it. People tell me things will be better. People tell me to adjust my schedule and do less. People tell me to do so many things, but none of it seems to work.

It's not sadness I feel. It's more like the non-existence of happiness. I can't find happiness where it used to be. Facebook bores me. Dances have lost their magical fun. Parties are gloomy. School activities seem burdensome. I spend tons of time reading the same articles on wikipedia or playing tetris, not thinking, not living. I hate it, but I can't find joy in anything these days. I don't try as hard to keep myself healthy. I don't care about what people think, I just assume everyone is negative. This morning we were handed back evaluations in ASB. I was freaked out. I only noticed the negative comments and the B I received. But I think more rationally and I still cannot see the positives. I struggle to learn from the criticism. I left school today feeling pitiful. I wanted to complain about my life to someone. I wanted an outlet. But there is no outlet. I talk to people. I exercise sometimes. But usually I feel so hopeless that I don't even bother trying that hard.

I haven't always been like this, but I guess my entire high school life I have been. Thank god for maturity otherwise I would be in some mental asylum. I have grown just through the development of my pre-frontal cortex, but I have been struggling emotionally more and more. I just keep reading my past journal and blog entries and I cannot remember a time when I was really happy. Yes, I've been happy when I've accomplished things or when I've seen something spectacular. This gives me hope that I'm not that severely depressed. But its the feeling of those ordinary days. When I just want to sleep. When I just want to whine. When I just want everyone to shut up. When I stop trying to learn.

I have always loved learning. Until this year. This has been the most difficult year for me. The stress didn't help, but I have lost it emotionally. I have been detracted from my friends. I have been detracted from life. I haven't cared about my religion. I don't know how to change. I don't know what to do. I don't even enjoy learning anymore, I just search for the quick shortcuts. I love government but I feel even dull in that class, and in every class. Sometimes my moods overcome me and I just make the people around me miserable. I see myself slipping away from the world and I wonder if I will end up just being forgotten one day.

I have lost so much of my life to this struggle. I have lost bonding time and relationship time. I worry that I will never be able to marry at this rate. Or even make new friends. Or keep the ones I have now. I worry that I won't be able to handle any future jobs or challenges because I have lost so much interest. I worry that I will never be happy again.

I wish someone understood me. I wish someone understood how hard I try to be better. I wish someone would understand that my moodiness is not directed at them, but that I am just falling apart on the inside and shrieking for help. I wish someone would accept this imperfection that controls my life and just help me come back to the surface so I can breathe.

Do you know what it feels like to wake up in the morning and be happy? Do you know what it feels like to love? Do you know how it feels to be randomly happy for no reason? Do you know what it feels like to have passion for something? I once did, I think. But the memories are fading and overwhelmed by the misery I feel every day. I feel trapped and lost. I feel guilty for putting my family and friends through this. I feel lifeless. And I know that's can't be good.

"Under the Sheets" - Ellie Goulding