Paradox

I am weak.
I am strong.

I am smart.
I am stupid.

I am lost.
I have a path.

I want to be happy.
I want to understand struggle.

I want to serve my community.
I hide in my room.

I want to be productive.
I spend my time staring at the computer screen.

I want to be healthy.
I eat poorly and exercise rarely.

I care.
I am apathetic.

I hope.
I am cynical.

I am busy and overwhelmed.
I have too much free time.

I hate myself.
I love my life.

I have spectacular friends.
I feel like my friends hate me.

I want to lead.
I want the world to guide me.

I want to leave my home and go to new places.
I don't want to abandon my problems and never solve them.

I want to be a better person.
I want to be satisfied with myself.

I want to be free.
I want to maintain my values.

I never feel happy.
I have no reason to be sad.

Why is my life such a complicated paradox? I feel like I will never be better. I hate myself so much. I am so slow and pathetic at work. I am so unfriendly and horrible to my friends. I am so lonely. I have little respect for myself. I think I look ugly. I have no confidence. I can't lead effectively. I can't be the person I want to be.

I feel like I am in a deep, dark, lonely place. I want to have friends, but I feel like I can't have the friends I want and I don't want the friends I can have. I don't know what I need. I wish someone would open my eyes to what it is that could get me back on the path. I feel so lost. I feel so hopeless. I hate myself so much, and I am tired of it. I am tired of living without really living. I want to find a happy point. I want to stop making this world a miserable place.

What is my contribution to this world? I feel like I cost more than I offer to this world. I feel like I am an unproductive waste of society. I don't want to bring down everyone else. What value am I to this world? I don't know. I just feel like I won't be able to help this world, and all I am doing is wasting resources people in Haiti and the rest of the world need. There are plenty of other people who can better serve the world than I can. Why live if I am so negative to the rest of the world? Why live when I can only thing negatively and I drag down the people around me? Why live if nobody wants to spend time with me? Or why live if people do want to spend time with me and I am too selfish to realize it? Why live if I am nothing but a robot? Why live if I cannot even do well at a $9 an hour job? Why live if I am a waste to this world? Why live if I cannot have faith or trust? Why live if I feel so meaningless and lead with so little purpose? Why live if I am too afraid to go after love? Why live if I cannot listen? Why live if I cannot create? Why live if I am so spoiled and rotten? Why live if I am so bossy and condescending? Why live if I feel this way all the time? Why live if I need fixing for my emotions? Why live if I have so many emotions? Why live if I cannot fit in with society? Why live if I am so desperate? Why live?

"Mowgli's Road" - Marina and the Diamonds