Sometimes we need changes in life. I love this blog. However little planning went into it and like all rash decisions, holes in planning have left me unable to truly make this blog what I had hoped for it to become. I may still return to this blog for the occasional post that I feel suits well for the genre of self-help, wild random thoughts, or pleasant rants, but overall I just need a new perspective, a new message. I am transitioning to a completely new blog. It will still reflect many of the ideas from this original blog; my tone will change little, my writing will largely remain the same, but I need a more refined, thought-out blog that allows me to open myself up entirely no matter what.
So if you would like to follow this blog you can, but be aware that I am stripping myself down to my most inner soul with this new blog and if you know me personally I would prefer that you ask for my permission before following this new blog. I am really opening myself up to virtually everything that can be appropriate for posting on the internet on this new blog, and I am quite nervous, but very excited for this new adventure.
In a way my new blog will only be a matured continuation of this blog. I may return to this blog, but I feel like as I grow older this blog has not grown with me and I must make this shift now. This blog will be either closed or disabled or something similar, or maybe not, but in order to preserve my anonymity in my other blog I will be in the process of disconnecting this blog.
"Breathe Me" - Sia (From the Finale of Six Feet Under)
This video really represents the finale of this blog. I know its abrupt, but hopefully this will all sum it up. I just need to go on to the next destination.
Sometimes I feel so incredibly downtrodden. Today I woke up completely exhausted, but I kept going. My friend then woke up late and I replied with a disgruntled tone and had to anxiously ask my mom for a ride to the bus in downtown Bellevue. I was worried about the elevator speeches in my technical communication class, and the sleepiness just kept shrouding me.
But something hit me as I walked out of technical communication up the hill toward economics. I was listening to Make It Stop by Rise Against and I couldn't help but be inspired. Listening to that song about such a heart-wrenching topic, motivated me to live for a purpose. I refuse to be another statistic in the long list of downtrodden gay youth who have seen their lives dismantled by the awful prejudice of our society. I refuse to let my life fall apart because there are so many people from my past, Jews who survived heinous genocides, Chinese who persevered through colonial intrusions, Japanese who lived through the disturbing internment of World War II, immigrants who started with nearly nothing and worked their way up in this harsh capitalist economy, Americans and Canadians who proudly fought off attackers of our rare and distinguished democracy. I look to my identity in the present, this unique melding of races and I am even more inspired. I can embark on a new path. I am excited to blaze a trail as a young mixed race man. I am ecstatic to stand up for my rights as a gay man. I am thrilled to represent two amazing countries as a dual citizen. I am inspired by my faith and the amazing depth of spirituality I will continue to encounter in Judaism. I am proud of who I am from the inside out whether that be my race, sexual orientation, citizenship, religion, or personality. I will stand up for myself and as a representative of all that I am. I don't desire to appease any of these groups or seek validation, rather I want to make myself proud knowing that I am true to myself.
It's honestly hard to be honest, but I believe in it. I am going to change my life for the better, I just know it. I believe it. Starting right now, good night!
I have always felt like an outsider here in Issaquah and it has only become more telling in the past week. So much has happened in my life in this past week starting with my sister's exciting and exhausting bat mitzvah. It was spectacular having all the family around to share in such a joyful time, but it was also a tiring time for me. I felt incredibly proud of my sister for working so hard and culminating the first part of her Jewish experience. Amidst all my concerns for her academically and of her values, for that day I put all of my worry aside and felt pure elation for her.
Then my week actually began. Summer quarter started and classes were initially quite fascinating and deemed well. In the afternoon I began my internship and I was excited to start working in a professional environment and learn about the different roles of government bureaucracy in international relations. Things were going well, the sun was starting to shine little by little, and although the first two days were tough balancing all my relatives who were still here and my new adventures for the summer, I was hopeful that I could handle it all.
As the week progressed I still felt good about my abilities. I was behind in sleep, especially as the end of the week neared, but I figured that everything would get better as I refreshed myself during the weekend for my second week. This weekend I spend a lot of time with friends. It was fun and all, but I was too sleepy and exhausted to enjoy any of my time with friends. I stayed out too late both nights and did not get to sleep until nearly 4, waking up in mid-morning, leaving me with only about 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep each night. I am now dreadfully tired, but I have so much to do and I am so stressed. I hate my life in a lot of ways right now. I am doing everything correctly, yet my own lack of self-discipline is causing my demise. I know I need to be refreshed with sleep to function well, but i continue to push my limits and I don't have the diligence to go to sleep early enough to enjoy my life. I am sinking in misery. My room is a mess, my life feels like a mess, and all that I think is skewed by my awful exhaustion.
I hate it here. Everything was going so well back at the university. I don't know why I can't function at home. It doesn't feel like home ever because there is something so cold about my family that I have never understood that just never felt homey. Messes cause me anxiety and my room is a disorganized, scatter-brained splatter at the moment. I feel like a robot without any purpose and I really hate it. I need sleep so badly, but for some reason I cannot control myself here and I end up losing myself in loneliness and depression. I feel like and outsider here and I hate it so much. I just want to leave and be by myself somewhere and stop having to worry about all these things going on in my life for just one day.
"Make It Stop (September's Children)" - Rise Against
Returning to the wilderness of the Cascades today was magical and reminded me of so much joy I have been fortunate enough to enjoy in my life to this point. I have lived quite the privileged life here in the suburbs of Seattle surrounded by jolly forests and an exceptionally safe environment, and I think I am finally reconciling with my past hatred for this place. I still don't think I can handle a lot of it, and it helps that I am currently amidst family who are such a separate world, but I the exquisite beauty of these mountains are truly something I miss. I went hiking with my relatives on a rocky, but short and somewhat flat trail along the river to a beautiful waterfall bounded by snow and sharp, austere sheets of rock. Along the trail it felt so possible to lose ones footing along the maze of muddy dirt, pointy bedrock, and bent tree segments. Yet at the end of this trail in the chilly early morning, the river crashed downwards immersing me in a fine and refreshing alpine mist. Gentle to the eyes, yet sharp to the ears were the many images of the trail from the immense waterfall to the lopsided trees to the face of my young cousin minutes before she cries. There is such juxtaposition in nature, yet it all makes sense for some reason. There is a balance. Some trees fall because of erosion and the ground cannot hold it by chance, or the trees fall because they could not grip their roots stronger to the ground. Other tress lose their lives by happenstance. Nature allows us for some choice in life, but often we control little, and the parts of life we tend to care about the most like marriage and death inevitably encounter the most frustration.
Besides the marvel of the hike, I also had a full day of work. I spend a lot of time organizing a slideshow for my sister and practicing my torah portion. I felt like I worked to my wit's end today, and I still feel like I have more to do. Despite all I have to do, I am learning that through practice, devotion, and determination I can achieve what I set out to do. I have almost mastered my torah portion and I completed the slideshow with a few edits to be made. I am learning so much every day of my life, and it helps to just let go of the pressures of class for a time and enjoy the company of my fascinating and wonderful relatives.
My past two weeks have been awfully crazy and have prevented me from writing anything on my blog. I have been busily occupied by so much else in my life, and also I have not had a clear enough mind to write in a long time.
I had quite the stressful finals week. I felt myself drowning in finals and overwhelmed by life. I had so much to think about in terms of my future, my passions, my motivations, my dreams, and my values. All of this reflective concern was inconveniently bothering me as I tried to focus on dull subject matter like thermodynamics or repetitive study of biological vocabulary. Yet in the end I managed to move through it all and do surprisingly well. I achieved high marks in courses that I thought I would struggle with and I feel very proud of myself for making it through such obstacles.
Then the stress continued as I had to pack up all my belongings and leave my beloved dormitory. It was not perfect, but I needed that physical separation from home to really thrive academically and grow as a human being. Many things were not ideal, but I am proud that I was pushed outside my comfort zone in many ways. I realized how much I need to grow as a person, but I feel so happy about my time in the dorm and cannot wait for another exciting year living at college. However it was crazy trying to pack up everything in my life, organize it into boxes, and transfer it to my old home. Upon returning home my world seems surreal. My past all the hidden things about me, all my blind ambition, all of my fake friendships, all of my internal psychological babble were among me; those memories slathered the walls and were encased in the atlases, bed sheets, lamps, and pencils, mocking me with shame, guilt, and a frightful chill. Yet the boxes stood there to remind me that I was only a temporary guest to this place. This haunting room of dark memories was only a brief landing post for a life moving forward, an affordable refreshment station for a marathon runner quickly zooming into his future.
I revisited more harsh yet complex memories when I went to my old high school's graduation. I love many of my friends who are seniors, but I have such a difficult time facing my old high school memories. My friend took me to my high school's prom and now going to graduation I felt the onslaught of awfulness attacking me a full throttle. Thankfully I survived with a new perspective on life. The graduation was beautiful and reignited my hope in the world as I watched several hundred young souls complete an often testy and complicated journey through high school. I enjoyed watching my good friends take those steps and throw their caps into the air. I love this frivolous affairs like commencements, awards ceremonies, and speeches. Many people become bored of them, but as long as I have a personal connection to them I can become completely enthralled.
This weekend was further craziness as I prepared for my sister's bat mitzvah and the arrival of my relatives from out of town. I had to fully clean the room I had just landed my boxes in for my grandpa and clean the rest of the house to be presentable. It was very stressful, but I took a wonderful break to watch an awesomely kitschy movie with friends, play board games, and go biking on a sunny day throughout town. I felt like I had checked off many of the enjoyable parts of life that teenagers enjoy in these picture perfect suburbs during those moments riding my bike along the lakeshore and throughout the historic heart of my town, immersed in the juxtaposition of nature and humanity surrounded by those three idyllic green hills. This place is gorgeous no matter the heartbreak associated with it. And for once I was able to make up for all the craziness here in this place.
In the meantime, my relatives have arrived and I have enjoyed taking fun photographs of my cute cousin, speaking to my somewhat crazy, but brilliant grandpa, and sharing laughs with my aunt and uncle. Nonetheless tensions are running high between my sister and me. I love her to death, but I feel like I am pressing too hard on her. I am so worried about her because she is just so different from me. I cannot understand her at all, but I just want her to do well and really think about how special of a moment this bat mitzvah is. I lecture her so much about her performance and her lack of diligence, but I realize later that we are different people and I cannot expect her to be so perfect. Sure she needs to do well in school, as a human, and in this special moment, but I am not here to make her life miserable. I need to show her love and caring.
On our tour of the Boeing airplane factory today I had to exhibit plenty of patience when waiting for my grandpa to walk from place to place. He is getting older and is quite slow, but he is still quite able-bodied. I really am a fast-paced person, but my grandpa's slow nature forced me to really slow down and breathe. I stopped trying so hard to go, go, go like the marathon runner and enjoyed the craziness of that factory. It's amazing how inspiring a giant factory can be. I love huge systems like that. It might not be the most pretty sight, yet there is something magical in the ability of humans to build such feats like great airplanes in these highly complex factories. I felt so small in there immersed amongst so much machinery and ingenuity, but I felt hopeful for all the innovation and progress of our world.
I hope I can apply my lessons in patience to life. I need to take it easy and really enjoy every moment. I have this week off and I don't need crazy stress. I need to relax and treat my sister like the human i expect to be treated, following Rabbi Hillel's golden rule. Take in these moments, cherish them and love others. That's the medication I need. (And the laughter that comes from watching episodes of Will & Grace...)
In the past few days I have been desperately trying to get back on track, focus, and put my full passion into my studies so that I can complete my year on a good note. I am exhausted, but I think it will work out. I don't know why I get worn out so easily in school. I love learning, but I am so inconsistent. This summer I am going to try to combat this inconsistency and maintain a steady pace of learning throughout the quarter, more organized and more realistically capable. I have struggled through many ups and downs this quarter and the end is approaching finally. I only have one more week living here on campus and I have learned a lot. I cannot wait to just step back from all the craziness and take some time to just be by myself and reflect on all the craziness.
Plus, this weekend is supposed to be hot and sunny. I may need to study, but I will find a way to accommodate the beautiful weather!
The San Juan Islands are such gorgeous features of the Northwest. I had a marvelous weekend, refreshing my spirit in the salty breezes as the ferry chugged across the Rosario Strait, as I gathered nudibranchs and slime stars off of San Juan Island, among new friends from far-off places, and rested along the shores of the Friday Harbor laboratory. It was a wonderful experience. I really hope to visit that magical place again sometime soon.
Since then I have run into many other encounters. I did manage to lose my wallet. I also have fallen behind and caught up on my homework. I set up a specific plan for my finals dead week. I feel all over the place, both refreshed and nervous. I have struggled to keep myself up to my promises in the past towards my plans for academics and everything else it seems. Yet I have new devices at my disposal like my happy dream thoughts in the morning, my improved time management, and my refreshing balance of joyful moments I have grown accustomed to.
My big shift I hope to make is to exercise more in the upcoming week. I rarely exercise when I am busy because of the time constraint, but I hope to make time this week to exercise since I have several later mornings and it is now that time of year when I cannot complain about the chill outdoors.
I will find some sense of center and peace in the midst of the craziness that envelopes me. I think it will all work out. I refuse to be the answer to that craziness equation.
My birthday was a wonderful evening in many ways, but I was so exhausted from last week. I enjoyed my dinner and frozen yogurt, but it wasn't as delicious as before. I think I need to stop eating so much good food and spend less money, eating more nutritious, but less amazing food normally, saving the moolah for the special nights and splendid meals. It is weird being a year older. I feel like I have actually learned a lot this year and grown a lot. I think this next year will open even more doors for me, but they will probably be unexpected for the most part.
The next day I had my party. It was incredibly tiring as I tried desperately to fit the party into my tight definition of impossible perfection. I can be so controlling and it is awful when I try to plan a party that is enjoyable for everyone. Still it was an enjoyable event, and I believe that most people enjoyed their time there making me pleased. But I have learned my lesson that there is only so much I can do to make a party a wonderful affair and I have to also enjoy the time myself.
After that craziness I dressed up as an octopus at the green festival when I volunteered for People for Puget Sound. It was my first time volunteering in months and it was quite marvelous to interact with so many different people and encourage people to care more about the beautiful and rich Puget Sound. It was refreshing to do something I truly care about.
I had a lovely coffee talk with my good friend and finally had some closure about a lot of different stuff that we had shared and dealt with. It was a good conversation and though I feel we have gone our separate ways, I have so much respect and admiration for my friend, all she has gone through and all that she will do in her life. I have incredible hope for her and she really inspired me to keep going for my dreams and stay motivated.
The following day I met up with some other friends I had some estrangement with previously. Nothing blatant, but I always had felt disconnected from these people, while trying desperately to be their friends all of high school. Now I realize that there was nothing special about these folks in particular. I am sure that they are great people, but the superficial traits that awed me like their stellar grades, innate charisma, and seemingly perfect group dynamic were so flawed and unfounded. While they are lovely people I know realize that my constant jealousy of them is so silly. I am my own person and while I am not living like them off in fancy distant colleges, I am finding peace in my life and I have some of the best friends in the world right here in Seattle. Life is fantastic and I wish the best for my friends. We may be on separate paths, but I feel like in the end we all end up at the same place, more confused, more aware, more human, more real, more alive.
Another therapy session went quite well and my therapist encouraged me to deal with all my stresses and anxieties by starting each morning with 30 seconds of thought in a happy place like my winter vacation in San Diego or the beach in Hawaii and many other spectacular and securedly happy moments. This has worked impressively well even when I am utterly sleepy and empty of energy and happiness. I believe it has helped me improve my confidence and restored a sense of peace amidst all the craziness and imbalance of the past week.
I had an interview for an internship and it went pretty well; I actually got my internship! I was so thrilled to have finally gotten something that I had worked for. I think it symbolizes the transformation of my life. I have become more organized, but also more aware of myself, more human, and more confident. All of these pieces helped me overcome fears like talking on the phone, interviewing, or turning in an application. These challenges have held me back in so many ways in the past, but I feel like I am turning around. I have so much to learn about life, but adulthood looks like many open doors and hallways are before me.
Today I had an oral interview in Japanese that had beleaguered me all week. It was not perfect, but it went better than I expected. I was thrilled to have finally completed all the stresses of my week. The day continued and the sun did finally come out to my joy. I then had an interesting dinner with my cousin from Texas. She is so different from me, yet a good quarter of our genes are shared quite similarly. She is quite conservative and Christian, monoracial, and from Texas of all places, yet she is only a few years older than me, quite focused and ambitious, and seems to be just as human as anyone. It is wonderful to finally have family in this area, but it is weird in many ways. We have never had family besides ourselves here in the Pacific Northwest. But I am very excited to have someone new here and even though we might have a culture shock between our two very dissimilar identities, we may find more in common than in difference.
Today was quite marvelous with all the sunshine and all, not to mention my best friend's birthday. Nevertheless I have been so stressed by so much going on every day. I have all these expectations for life and all these fantastic goals in my world, and all the craziness is building up in life. I have this crazy party I am trying to organize and it is causing me so much anticipation. I even had a nightmare about waking up late and having to trudge through a creepy crowd to reach my party. I am somewhat frustrated, but I think that everything will work out even if the weather turns out worse than expected.
I am excited to be another year older and wiser. Tomorrow will be contemplative and reflective. Until then I am going to contentedly sleep well and enjoy these last few moments as a youthful eighteen-year-old.
So many expectations, so many hopes, yet life carries on without a care. All we can do is smile and shine!
Today I woke up rather exhausted for seemingly no reason, but I had to get going to class and carry out my day. I looked out at the weather and was disappointed by the dreariness. I should be acclimatized to this weather by now, yet I remain just as exasperated by clouds as I always have been. I checked the forecast, and to my dismay the weather prediction for a week ahead was wonderful except the one day I really need excellent weather. Thankfully the prediction was for a decent temperature and overcast skies; something workable for my party planning.
The day was going just fine until I entered my Japanese class. At first things seemed smooth as I took my vocabulary quiz, but I quickly was disheartened by the mediocre score I earned on my previous vocabulary quiz, all my participation in class was marked by significant grammatical errors, and finally my emotions crashed when I saw my score on the page from my midterm. I felt like crying. I am not the best at Japanese, but I am good at school; it is my strongest suit in life. I have worked incredibly hard, especially this year to become an excellent scholar, but I have discovered that even I have certain subjects that are more challenging than others. I don't have as much passion for Japanese as I do for other subjects, and I definitely have less of a consistent passion for it. While I am eager to fully understand the Japanese language, often I am overwhelmed by the other subjects I am studying and I fall back on Japanese because of my strong background knowledge. Unfortunately there comes a point upon which that background knowledge no longer helps, especially in something like Japanese. Unlike other subjects in which my praxis is deep and has undergone extensive moulding, like my geography, reading, math, problem solving, and scientific analysis skills, I am fairly undeveloped in certain fields like language, and especially art, sport, and computer science. Like all people I can definitely learn how to do these things through trial and error, and like all other people I only have time to do so much. There are costs and benefits to devoting time toward practicing certain skills and unfortunately Japanese just does not have as strong of a benefit compared to the other subjects I am practicing. Nevertheless the weakness of my grade on the midterm was too expensive in terms of the transferred study time and I will have to make up for it in a massive restructuring of my study habits in the next few weeks before I take my final and conclude my Japanese learning. Thankfully this midterm was merely eight percent of my grade, and though it has a large impact on my overall grade because it was quite weak, I can blunt its weight through a determined effort, redoubling my focus to conquer this class and solidify my understanding of Japanese. I already began this transformation by attending a CLUE session for Japanese to start the practice. Even though I will never be at a level that satisfies me unless something magical happens, I can work hard to near that point, almost like an asymptote, but hopefully somehow I will break that point and actually reach my goal.
Today was not totally miserable. I had other falling outs like forgetting to do some errand or running behind on errands, but I also managed to complete all of my chemistry homework which gave me hope that I actually understand something. I enjoyed a delicious protein shake and hung out with some friends in my dorm. I ate a deliciously comforting lunch amidst the emotional wreckage of that test. And the sun started to peak out of the sky, just a little. This evening I reminded myself of joy by watching some old Ugly Betty videos and I felt my heart skip a beat with joy as I watched that lovely television show.
Probably the biggest thing today was my Mixed Club meeting. I generally don't feel like they are worthwhile generally, but I realized how complex reality is. I was reminded in my meeting about the unique situation faced by people who are mixed and even though it may seem like there are not that many issues because we have conquered so many different racial issues in America, there remain many struggles and difficulties merely with differences and being multiracial is one of those distinct differences. I love my heritage and while I can say that I have escaped discrimination in many ways because I am mixed and because I am fortunate enough to live in a time and place where racial discrimination is almost nonexistent, there are many problems that exist still and must not be ignored. It reminded me of how in life there is no easy way of thinking about things. We can try to label and categorize different situations, behaviors, or physics, but in the end there are such grand complexities that bewilder even the wisest humans. Look at the simplest of matter, the atom and realize that the electron orbitals are not distinct circular rhythmical patterns, but are more complex orbitals of certain probabilities with not just a top spin and down spin quanta, but also three other charges measuring the momentum of angles, motion, and energy itself. This complex system is the most basic system of our planet, yet even within that basis exists a complex set of physics that most scientists cannot truly understand. Even more intuitive sciences are more dynamic. Look at mutualism, the community ecology concept of positive-positive interactions between species like cleaning shrimp and wide-jawed fish. While this has a working dynamic, the reality shows that if for some reason the fish simply decides to eat the shrimp or the relationship stops working, the mutualism can transform into consumption, parasitism, or competition, all negative relationships for one species or another. Life is complex and that is why I cannot forget to continue to discover and explore the world. As I unpeel one layer of the onion of the world's knowledge I discover more depth and complexity than ever before. The negatives and positives are inconsequential in the larger realm of the universe. There is only room for wonder and inspiration in this grandiose world we live in.
I had a lot of heart to heart conversations today. Today was one of those days when I was quite tired from life and sort of miserable, but by mid afternoon a friend who I hadn't spoken to in a while actually called me. I think he has finally caught up to me in terms of making our friendship a mutual two-way relationship rather than the one-sided yucky one that seemed to be until after we split our ways across the country for college. I feel like I have finally reached peace with him and we can have an awesome summer.
That was only the beginning. I went to my second appointment with my therapist and I opened my eyes so much to who I am and why I am struggling with so much. I felt like I opened up so many new perspectives and the analysis of myself was deep enough to well up some tears. I wrote so much about that experience and I finally felt like I had opened a new barrier that had been encased for so long.
As I went through the rest of my evening I had a really amazing conversation with my closest friends and I felt like I broke through even more barriers with them. I had so much quiet and subtle tension recently with my friends and I finally felt like I opened up a lot of the struggles that I had shared with them. They also opened up to me and I felt closer than ever before to my familial circle of friends.
To top it all off, a girl on my floor noticed my distress after so much heart-wrenching conversation and we had a jolly chat about all sorts of things. It was great to finally have a real conversation with someone on the floor! I can't believe it took me this long, but I guess I really need to show my vulnerability more often to other people sometimes. People don't trust you if you seem superhuman and insensitive. I think I am a friendly rather kind person on the inside and I think finally someone saw that inside me.
I am so happy, but now I have to do all the work that I have put off. Oh well. Life goes on and if I keep on going I can live such a wonderful life!
Of all the dreams I seek, I seek to be always an inquisitive person. When I am in situations of discomfort, newness, or complication, I need to remember to have an inquisitive nature to truly enjoy the glory of life. I can discover joy in the sleek aluminum casing of my laptop, of the delicious pineapple fried rice in the dorm, through the winds blowing through the window, amongst the scholarship of the law library, around the grimy, yet comforting atmosphere of the ave. I have always been proud of my curiosity and it has been key to all the happiness and success that I have encountered in life. Whenever I wander off the path and discover something unexpected I learn a lot from it and I grow into a better person. I also love the thrill of discovery. There is nothing more wonderful than encountering a new alcove in the forest, figuring out a complex problem, having the lightbulb go off in your head!
Yet, so often I forget or lose track of my inquisitiveness. Usually sleepiness murders my curiosity, but so do my bouts of depression. I need to really work on a more regular sleeping schedule, but also I can hopefully heal from the depression with more awareness towards my inquisitiveness.
Every day I keep hoping I will get stronger, but I keep struggling. For the past five days I have been on task, getting things down at least in the school and family realm, and I have been rather proud of my success, but I am so behind on so many other goals in my life. There is so much in my life besides school, yet it takes up abut 70-80% of my awake hours, even counting the weekends. It's quite exhausting. I want to do some things to tackle wasted time though.
For one, I tend to spend a lot of time on the computer because I do so much work. I am determined to change this in the next week. I want to spend as little time on the computer as possible in this upcoming week. I currently force myself to go on the computer a lot because I use a time card to record how much time I spend on homework, but I end up spending a lot of time distracted on the computer because it is so accessible when I keep it open to record the homework time. I guess I'll keep using it to measure my homework, but I'll close my computer when doing so to avoid distraction, or maybe I'll stop worrying so much about how much time I spend doing homework and just try to get it done and learn as much as I can from my material.
There are a lot of problems I seem to face and many expectations I fail to meet in life. But how will I ever improve if I don't take some time to just flat out rest and recover, be myself and free myself from the restraints that seem to chain me in misery? I need to take this weekend and fully rejuvenate myself from the stresses of this week. I need to relax and spend time alone, reflecting on life, living joyfully, doing fun things, and taking photographs. I need to give myself some peace as I keep running nonstop with no passion, determination, or direction.
It just seems like I am never able to escape the negativity that shrouds me or the stress that makes me feel so awful. I get those brief moments where I feel happy, but it's just so rare and I want those happy moments to be more of a part of my day. I want to revive the passion that always kept me going through challenging times. I'm thankful I'm out of my deep depression now, because this lack of passion is bringing me down just as much; both combined would generate an abysmal cocktail.
I keep hoping that everything works out. I am questioning so much in my life, pondering so many thoughts. I am searching for that purpose for my life. In the past I have had such clear distinct goals, but now I feel like my dreams, aspirations, and future are so unclear. I don't have a direct goal ahead of me. My future is a misty haze that I need to keep walking forward into, but I am afraid that I will take the wrong step and trip, fall to my embarrassment and disaster. I guess this is just normal. Real life is foggy and most people walk around it unclear. I can do my best to clear it up, but even if I take a path that is visible, it might not be the best one. I could follow the path and become a lawyer, doctor, or teacher. I could wander a little more and step off the clear path every once in a while to test the clouds. Or I could truly disconnect from what I know will work and fly or crash into the grand, clouded fog.
Whatever happens, will happen. Today was a little drab, but I did a lot of work. I am proud of how much work I have accomplished, but I haven't done much besides schoolwork or academic planning and exploring in the past few days. I do need to figure out a lot of academic stuff, but I also need to think of the bigger picture, learning new skills and gathering new experiences in jobs that pay actual money, volunteering to serve the community, or participating in clubs taking action around campus. I can't live my whole life in this dormitory room hoping that opportunities will come to my window.
As I returned home from cooking my mom brunch for Mother's Day, I looked all around me, seeking the beauty even along the grim highway in the overcast skies. It is an arduous task, but there is beauty everywhere if you really seek it. Even so, there is much more beauty in life if you just go out there and do things, live a true and honest life, challenging assumptions and clearing the fog that surrounds us.
As this week continues I have some goals I need to set.
Finish my book finally after reading it for almost six months.
Talk to advisers in two departments and reflect on my majors using my already created guide.
Sleep well every night.
Take beautiful photographs in surprisingly inspirational places twice.
Determine my classes for autumn quarter.
Eat frozen yogurt.
Find several jobs and maybe even apply for some.
That's more than enough for this week, but I think I can tackle that list and my two midterms. Tomorrow is the first one, so I will go to sleep at this early hour before midnight!
It has been quite the exhausting day. I really just want to sleep. I feel like I have gone nowhere in my life in the past few days. I have been sick and tired, and the list of to-dos keeps piling up like crazy. I can't taste the glorious pleasure of exquisite food, or smell the freshness of the air. I am too tired to recognize the beautiful sights, sounds, people, and actions that surround me here at UW. I feel like I am just a vessel carrying a body and a somewhat functioning brain and I am unable to really belong in the midst of this craziness, which I should be fully involved in.
This is the problem. I have no stamina. If I really want to be the person I want to become I need to have the motivation, determination, and stamina to get through one quarter at least, and of course the rest of my life. I can't just sprint and expect to continue the powerful ambush on my work and achievements that I can attain in a single week of motivation. Who am I kidding, I can't even last a week at full throttle. But I need that in order to reach my full potential. I don't know how to balance it, but I am tired of only a rare day when I am getting through instead of the other way around.
Then again, maybe it's only my outlook, which is just as difficult of a struggle. I don't know how to stop being so stressed. I am so tired of my life being like this, and I am so ready to turn a new leaf. I really need some time just to reflect and back away from all the craziness so I can return with just as much passion and fervor as I want to.
Today was exhausting, and I still have a lot ahead of me even though the day is far over. I should be sleeping now, but I have so much homework to complete, and it never seems to end. I sort of just want to collapse and stop trying anymore. I am so behind today and I am so frustrated with myself. I can never seem to get myself to bed before midnight, even now when I am sick and I must. I have no will power it seems. I barely am motivated by anything. I have such a struggle to manage my time, and I don't even do that much. I don't understand it at all and I really need to analyze my life, spending some time alone reflecting on who I am, why I have ended up this way, and what I will do to change my life for the better.
I have decided to try another idea from a friend. This approach requires that I look at the world in its spectacular absence of negative. I am excellent at noticing the negatives in life and I am sent spiralling downhill into an abyss of misery. I want to avoid that and I have been trying to focus more on the positive in life. While this has worked some, I hope that this fresh perspective will open me up to more positivity in life.
In other news, today was a bit of a downer. I am truly exhausted and I feel gross inside and out. I don't feel confident at all today and I feel pitiful looking at how much work I need to do that has just sat there in recent days. I do know that I need to rest as I feel my temperature rising far too high as I type even this blog post. Illness matched with high stress, and awful weather especially in what was supposed to be a rather easy week between my midterms, is killing me. Even so, I got an excellent grade on my midterm in chemistry and hopefully tomorrow will be better as I can finally get a chance to sleep in on Thursday morning.
Today there was an historic and wonderfully thrilling election in Canada even though nobody noticed it. It definitely made my day after a long, exhausting day being sick and gross in the dreary weather of Seattle. It may be May, but there are no signs that Spring has settled in, or that Summer is approaching. Alas, life carries on. At least Elizabeth May was elected to parliament for the next four years, the first Green MP in Canada, and my second favorite party, the NDP is now the official opposition with over 100 seats, breaking the grip of the Bloc Quebecois and their separatist agenda. While the Conservatives took a majority, the election was exciting in so many ways and truly kept me distracted from everything else I needed to do. I have so much homework I am now behind on, so much sleep I missed, but the joy of watching election results that make history come in on my computer is so worth it!
I have lived to the fullest today. It has been wonderful. I started with a late awakening to a brilliantly sunny day and then ate a delicious and filling Indian buffet. Afterward I went to Green Lake and enjoyed daisies, turtles, and the gorgeous weather with friends. Following the walk around the lake and the final walk back to the dorm (a total of 5 miles), I finally got some homework done outside along Portage Bay. I watched some funny videos and was pleasantly surprised by the discovery of Osama bin Laden. Things really felt great today and I feel like I have done a lot today to live a truly meaningful life.
I hope to live every day to the fullest. I want to do something with my life each day I live. I want to be healthy and alive at every hour. I hope to discover new things about myself and others through observation, perception, and an open mind. Every day is a chance for a new hope and a new outlook on life. I am excited for life and thrilled to live each day. I'll keep you posted!
"President Obama at the 2011 White House Correspondents' Dinner"
April was not an enjoyable month for me, for the most part. It wasn't awful, especially in comparison to last April, but even though it was a relative improvement it still was not a good month. I was so stressed and my anxiety was crazy. It drove me to finally see a new therapist much to my disappointment. Pesach was a guiding light to some sort of redemption, and I am not sure what that is considering how much disappointment and hopelessness I have encountered in recent weeks. Besides the stress of all the midterms, social awkwardness, loneliness, lovelessness, and emptiness, I do feel like I have been redeemed in many ways. I have been lucky enough to have a strong support system of friends and family who deal with me and accept me for no matter what.
Much of this month I wondered how my life would be different if I had gone somewhere else. I always thought that it would be better if I had gone to Berkeley, or even Occidental or elsewhere. If I were to compare my experience today to one at another place at this time, I undoubtedly would be happier at another college. But this all comes with a caveat. I don't think the happiness would be real. I have learned A LOT here at UW about myself and I have had to face many of my discomforts and realities that I would never have faced at another place. The other colleges seem like far off dreams, vacations in a sense from the reality I need to face. I have faced some of my biggest personal fears, and at other times I feel so disappointed by how much I have shrunk inside my comfort zone. Things are going to finally change I feel like starting this month.
It has been a year since I chose my college. After 7 months as a Husky I have my regrets, my disappointments, my successes, my accomplishments, my reflections, my dreams. Things have changed. I can always ponder what might have happened if I had done something radical and gone somewhere else. In many ways I am honestly regretting my choice. But in many other ways I have realized that while there may have been more hope somewhere else, more sunny, warm days, a refreshed spirit of excitement, new friends, all sorts of things that I dreamed of and imagined in college, here I have faced more of my reality, a deeper sense of diversity, worked harder than ever before, reflected on myself more, learned from my mistakes, opened my mind, strengthened relationships, gained social skills, applied for new jobs and internships, immersed myself in culture, explored a city and beautiful campus, and shared incredible experiences that might not have happened in any other place or time in my life. Life here has not met or exceeded my expectations, rather it has thrown all my expectations out the window, just as it should have. And that is why I have no verdict about my time here at UW. I am sure it is different, but I believe that no matter what this is what was meant to happen. I never could have seen it come, and I am glad I didn't go anywhere based on a whim, because what I have realized in life is that as long as you have the means, you can really handle any challenges that appear.
This weekend has been awkward, fun, uncomfortable, lovely, and exhausting. I went to the prom. It brought back a lot of difficult memories, and at times I did want to cry, but obviously such a public outburst would be rather inappropriate and embarrassing. I was reminded of how awful my life was in high school and how much of a lie I lived. I was reminded of all the things I hated about myself and how much I have changed. I spend all of high school working to get as far away from it as possible, and last night I found myself trapped again in the misery that I worked so hard to run away from for years. I felt like I had abandoned all my principles.
But it was good to purge those bad memories by plunging myself into them. I just hope to never experience them again, and most definitely I will never ever go to a prom again. Thankfully the after party and my sleep over with friends was better, but the exhaustion and discomfort of the prom was an awful damper on the rest of my night. And after watching a film, reading some Canadian election coverage, and playing an awesome game of Settlers of Catan I feel quite contented with life.
Now it is May. It is my favorite month. I am going to change my mindset. I have been working on this transformation for many months, and I feel like I am going to finally climb over a ridge here and make a breakthrough soon. Usually that breakthrough takes longer than I expect, so I guess I shouldn't be too anticipatory. Whatever happens will happen, but I am determined to make this month a turning point in my life toward the better.
This week I attempted to do something rather different. I had a few goals this week. 1) Do something special every day. 2) Write down every happy moment during the day. 3) Manage time luxuriously.
I think I really had a chance to live this week. Life is way too short, and this week I did many, many things that made life much more energizing. On Monday, Passover began and I completed almost all my homework that was necessary. I felt accomplished and satisfied with my life, sleeping at the early hour of nine to wake up the next morning at three. At the wee hour of three o'clock I headed downtown to join my friend to get tickets for an audition for a singing competition on a television show. While we had to wake up early, both that morning and the following one for the audition, and although she did not make it through, it was still a worthwhile experience. It was a trial, waiting in the dark and cold for so long two mornings in a row, but it reminded me that if you have a passion for something, if you really dream for anything, you have to go through some real struggle, and some true disappointment before your dream can become a reality. This is difficult, and it can drain the passion and idealism that one needs to aim for a dream, but through a tenuous balance between realism and idealism, anyone can discover the will to live the dream.
Meanwhile, Pesach continued and while I starved in general, I went to Chabad on Tuesday evening for a friendly and traditional service. The food was delicious and the people were fascinating, capping off a marvelous, but long day. Among other things on that Tuesday, I received a compliment about my jeans, which have been dissed in the past, from someone who I might just have an interest in... no doubt a little perk of joy bubbled within me and distracted me all through biology lecture. The following day I enjoyed television and sunny weather, while I also got my registration for summer classes to work out perfectly and my housing has been selected for next year. I have a room high in one of the best dorms on campus, exactly where I want to be with gorgeous views of Lake Washington and the mountains on a sunny day.
Thursday was also quite fulfilling. It was another rather sunny day and I got to sleep in rather late as well. I also discovered some new and awesome music, while I continued to gleefully observe the Canadian election campaigns as one of my favorite parties gained in the polls making the election far more intriguing. Later I went downtown to a volunteer orientation and was inspired to do something. I finally had exited my shell and landed somewhere, not only comfortable for me, but also enough outside my comfort zone to allow growth.
Today was stressful at times, but mostly enjoyable. The sun started to come out more and in the afternoon was spectacular. I skipped a lecture to help with Earth Day stuff, which felt wonderful although I might regret it this weekend as I study for my chemistry midterm. I got an excellent mark on my biology exam which gave me a boost of confidence and I finally felt like I was getting the credit I deserved for my efforts. I returned home for a seder with the family, and while it added incredibly to my stress level, I was glad to make a massive meal for my family. I feel so stuffed and satisfied right now, and knowing that it was through my efforts makes it so much more meaningful.
Life is actually going rather well even though I often feel like it is a struggle. I sink in so much anxiety, fear, stress, and unhappiness, but I really need to step away from it all and reflect more on the positive aspects of my life. Sure, I have a lot to be unhappy about, but I believe that I can even face the difficult things with a positive outlook. I will take on the challenge of my two midterms this week with resolve, expecting to struggle, but also learn a lot and hopefully feel quite accomplished through my journey of study. As I complete several applications for jobs and internships I know rejection will face me, but I also know that these rejections are learning experience that can guide me toward a path of better self-awareness and a stronger sense of self. Life is full of twists and turns, and as scary as it can be to hike through it all, it is only worse if I just keep contemplating how daunting life is.
Twas a calm weekend here in Seattle. I got myself back together. I didn't accomplish everything I aim to accomplish, but I was much improved over my general ways. I'm very proud of what I have done this weekend. On Friday my biology exam went better than expected and my evening also performed better than expected. I spent the entire evening with some high school friends at Hillel and Chabad, celebrating the sabbath with delicious dinners (and prayers of course). I was quite nervous to go to Chabad at first, since they are quite religious and conservative, but I met some interesting folks there who were kind and welcoming, not to mention that the food was wonderful even though it was already passover kosher food. After a very long, but lovely night with those people, I went to bed and woke up on Saturday to run in the chilly but bright sunshine peeking out of the clouds. I did not do much except watch some Ugly Betty episodes to keep me alive, and go shopping for Passover food (which is quite pricey!). I got a wonderful night's rest and even dreamed about crazy jelly blob gummy things that were taking over the world and were unstoppable. It was my first dream with a fairly original idea in my memory! Today was quite successful. It was one of my first days this quarter in which I utilized most of my time. I still got distracted a bit by two documentaries about the burqa ban in France and democracy protests in Hong Kong, as well as the Canadian news, but I still managed to complete quite a few tasks ahead of time. I hope to get a refreshing sleep tonight and be fully prepared for an onslaught of a week. I know I can do this!
Anyways, that was my weekend. I spent a lot of time thinking about my major and what I want to do with my future. I realized in all this thinking that I will never figure anything out if I don't do anything. So here's my song for the weekend:
While the past few days have been fairly good, they have been overwhelmed with incredible anxiety. I have just been running off of nothing for fuel recently. Tuesday was stressful, but I finally went to see a counselor to talk about my anxiety and stress. I got referred to a few long-term therapists, so hopefully I can start to see a turnaround in my life. Wednesday was fine as well, but my young democrats meeting, which was long and mundane was only balanced out by a lovely modern family episode. I truly felt like the laughter was exploding out of my stomach! Today I was highly stressed because I had a lot to do, but I did most of it except study for my biology exam tomorrow. I feel like I am always behind here at UW, always insufficient. There are so many people here and I am constantly comparing myself to everyone around me. I don't feel like I am ever learning much, but I am under so much pressure and stress. I don't feel like I accomplish or do anything, but I feel like I am constantly stressed. I want to change this. I felt like when I started college that this would only be possible if I went somewhere far away, another college, and at times I regret going to UW so much. I feel like I have to work so much here and I never feel fulfilled. I feel like I am sinking under so much pressure. I don't feel like there is anyone to talk to. I feel lost and alone, miserable, sick, unsuccessful, awful. I doubt this would change anywhere else, but I keep dreaming of going through my undergraduate years at some college in California. I don't know why I expect anything to be different anywhere else, but I can only imagine misery here in wet and cold Washington.
I know that I am going to put more passion into my life and I am slowly returning to my old ways. I am going to volunteer somewhere, but where I just have no idea. I want a better life. I have no idea what that means. But I need to discover a better life and I am desperate. Ugh, my sentences are starting to become ugly monsters. I'll stop now.
I was exhausted when I woke up, but I got started ready to tackle a new day. I was ahead on my tasks, having completed much of my homework on the weekend to prepare for a very busy day. Upon arriving in Japanese class, I was motivated to answer questions and jolted by an urgency to challenge myself. I thoroughly paid attention in my chemistry and biology classes and enjoyed a delightfully sunny day. I even spoke to someone quite lovely today who I had been afraid to speak to before. I was frustrated with some of my homework, but I completed it.
Then came one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Despite the pot smokers and the excess of layers I brought, I truly enjoyed myself this evening. I sang along to the lovely and beautiful Ellie Goulding. She inspires me and her music touches me in so many ways. I had such a wonderful and enjoyable time; something I have not had in a long time. I got my stamp of entry after waiting in the Capitol Hill sunshine besides Neumos. I entered and danced like a crazy man to the first act, later enthusiastically greeting Ellie as she arrived. My friends accompanying me made it all that much better. All her music is riveting and she is so musically talented. I wish all the people I love could have seen her. What a remarkably joyful night!
The rest of my week remains incredibly crazy, but I am excited to be living the life I have wanted to live, truly enjoying so many things that I have struggled to truly find happiness in. I feel like life is starting to come into a better place finally. Maybe it's the sunshine, fantastic music, or just me. Hopefully life is just starting to become more splendid.
I had a wonderful weekend. Starting with the cherry blossoms and the sunny weather on Friday I felt rejuvenated and refreshed despite my dearth of sleep. I took copious photographs in the glorious Spring weather and then enjoyed some dinner with friends, old and new. I had a delicious curry and even enjoyed cleaning the dishes. I listened to my good friend sing phenomenally, lifting my soul upwards. Later I watched a fascinating lecture, ate yummy candy, and played Egyptian ratscrew, actually slapping a few wins myself. I went to sleep late, but awoke the next morning with plenty of rest. I then decided to leave the realm of my room and explore a new part of the city. On a totally random corner stands a delicately resolute statue of Sadako Sasaki, gracefully capturing her perseverance, hope and tragedy. Afterwards I ate some delicious Thai food and a smoothie before heading back to the dorm to complete some homework, which I actually succeeded in accomplishing! As the night began I played some relaxing foosball and air hockey. The lovely evening continued with two movies, both quite enjoyable and another restful sleep. Finally, Sunday arrived. I generally dislike Sunday, although I also enjoy how relaxing it can be. Well, today was one of those more relaxing and enjoyable Sundays. I ran quite a distance, refreshingly after four weeks on a hiatus from running. I worked most of the day, but I discovered dozens of new songs to my bubbling joy. I even applied for a job as a research assistant, and while it will be difficult to get accepted I can only hope and continue to progress toward experiencing new things every day. I might try volunteering with People for Puget Sound or join the United Students Against Sweatshops. Life is improving. I truly feel like I have had a good weekend. I can't help but smile reminiscing.
Today was yet again a somewhat uncomfortable, but pleasant day. The weather is warming up and the daylight is staying longer into the evening. I woke up rather unsettled and too early, I attended my lecture and actually felt awake during most of it. Then I met up with some friends, new and old to see a cluster in one of the dorms while eating lunch. I then hung out with another friend and enjoyed some fun with whiteboard markers in the research commons of the Allen Library. Afterward I had an awkward time with some old friends for the rest of the afternoon and evening. I really am eager to try my new plan out starting tomorrow, or rather in a mere 10 minutes.
Before I transition to a new theme for April I hope to end my March with a bang. I have one final culminating dream for this month. I dream of the big dream: reality.
I am on the beach relaxing in the sun. I hold the hand of my beloved. I sip some delicious and fresh orange juice. I swim in warm water joyful to be alive and appreciating every moment of life. My little house near the coast in California, or wherever I end up is small, yet homey. I absorb the sweeping views from a nearby park, my wide windows, or on a comfortable vacation in a beautiful place and take in all the grandness of life. I look at myself in the morning after waking up from a refreshing and calm sleep, glad to be who I am. I think about my past and appreciates all the challenges I have gone through and look forward to the future obstacles that will shape me and mold me into a deeper, more real person. I read one of my favorite newspapers in the morning, kiss my family goodbye for the day, and take the subway to work, marveling at the glorious masterpiece of public transportation. I take a deep breath and prepare for an exciting day at work. There will be stress, there will be joy, there will be success, there will be humanity. I do something to make the world a better place. I accept my imperfections and take in the criticisms from those around me. I receive a call from a friend during my lunch break, set by myself, sitting outside on the green roof with some fascinating co-workers. We plan to go on an adventure to the mountains, visit a museum, or try some entirely new cuisine. We'll just do something spontaneous and fun with old friends and newer ones I have met through the years. People like me for who I am, not because I try to be a certain person. A wide circle of acquaintances exists in my life, but more importantly a strong bond of tight-knit friends who I trust are reliably there. I walk back to my work and observe the nature and city around me. I am inspired by an observation and this inspiration builds like a snowball falling down a glacier building faster and faster creating more ideas and exploding with ingenuity. I quickly suggest this new idea to my coworkers and we build more collaboration to create something that will really help make this world a better place. Some people challenge my thought process and I am glad to learn their thoughts. I return from work feeling fulfilled and go home to a loving and genuine family. We run into the occasional argument, but I listen and learn from my mistakes. I learn to love and accept my mistakes. I read a marvelous book that inspires new thoughts and challenges old ways of thinking. I relax with my family to a wonderful movie, television show, or a game of badminton outside, or in the rain we play a thrilling game of monopoly, scrabble, or cards. I go to temple and pray, thanking God for my amazing life and giving me the soul that enables me to dream and continue to grow. I am part of my community, helping serve others by participating in my temple, volunteering with a variety of local organizations to make a difference. I go on a hike somewhere new, or at a favored place. I watch the stars at night. I go camping in the heat of summer, ice skating in the middle of winter and enjoy the glory of the flowers in the spring, the leaves of the fall. I take out my camera and capture the wonder of nature in my backyard, city, and country. I explore new places with my love, friends, family, and occasionally by myself. I let loose and enjoy myself with a fun night every once in a while, completely relaxing and living it up. I exercise at my own pace, but maintain a fitness that keeps me alive. Every moment of life is magical, and I don't even attempt to make it that way. Things just work out as they should, but sometimes they don't, and I flow like the river bends around the stone, compromising by smoothing the stone, while the river flows around gently. Life is an adventure. My dreams are my reality.
Today felt unfulfilling. I have many goals and aspirations, but today was full of missed opportunities to meet new people, spend my time wisely, apply for fantastic internships or scholarships, read a wonderful book, reflect on life, or enjoy social time with friends. As the evening neared and I exited a wasted meeting at a club, I went to my friends and talked for hours about my life and how unfulfilled I feel. I struggle so much with happiness. But we made a plan and that will be part of my next series of blog posts in April.
But until then, I will continue to dream. I dream today about myself, the one thing I can control for the most part in this crazy world. I dream of being okay. I dream of struggling at some times, but mostly accepting my mistakes and struggles, finding the happiness no matter the situation I land myself in. I dream that I am accepting of myself. I dream that I sit outside in the sun, rain, snow, cold, or hot, and I find the miracles that exist in the special moments of life that exist every day. I dream that I am able to flow through life like a swimmer, a dolphin, or an albatross sliding through the sky. I dream that I find peace within my heart and I have a passion for life instilled deep within me, unbreakable by the obstacles I face. I dream of giving my whole life to someone else, while still preserving the core of who I am. I dream of having an identity that goes beyond a simple label, rather an identity that encompasses the multiplicity of who I dream of being. I dream of a fundamental balance that holds me together despite the chaos that may contradict my inner being. I dream that dreams will thrive within me for long into my life. I dream that I am healthy in the physical body, mental attitude, and emotional spirit. I dream that I hold true to my beliefs and I live a life of purpose. I dream of being honest to myself and those around me. I dream of living with zeal and contentment. I dream of being me, and if there is nothing more to myself than that, then so be it.
Today was long, awkward, and lively. I woke up early for biology lab, excitedly anticipating all the new folks I would meet and eager to start a fresh class with a new set of lab partners interesting in the wonders of life. However I arrived only to sit next to someone from high school who I was immensely awkward around and my lab group was depressingly beneath my expectations. I was not thrilled as anyone can tell, but that's life. I clearly just need to pull myself outside my comfort zone and meet new people I've never seen more often so that I run into those new people rather than the typical people from the life of high school. Japanese was a snooze, but lunch was rather enjoyable with a small social babble. In my assigned seat in biology lecture I met someone new, and then I endured through my set of chemistry problems with some new and old friends. Finally class was complete and I walked back to my dorm, exhausted but glad to have done so much in a day without any pain. I then deviated from my schedule by playing badminton with my friends for an hour and indulging in a refreshing smoothie, quite the energizing afternoon. I then actually finished my homework before hanging out with a friend, and now I am here finishing a blog post before 11pm! I am quite proud of myself.
My dream today is of friends. I dream of making new friends and keeping the old ones who make life spectacular. I dream of friends who are reliable, yet surprising. I dream of friends who continue to make life exciting and worthwhile just in their presence. I dream of friends who encourage me to go outside my comfort zone and pull me to places I would never have dreamed of experiencing. I dream of friends who are human and real. I dream of friends who listen and talk, have opinions and open minds. I dream of friends who come from diverse backgrounds and perspectives. I dream of friends who inspire me every day. I dream of having many meaningful friendships that go beyond the material exchange of gifts or the superficial wave in the hallway. I dream of friends who I can fall into the arms of, who will pick me up when I fall, who are willing to show their faults to me, and who are individuals in their own right. All the same I dream of friends who shake my judgments and force me to reconsider my own views of friendship, while still accepting my struggles to accept and adapt to these possibly new and difficult journeys. Friendship is a magical, wonderful thing. I am glad to say that I quite possibly have some of the best friends in the world and while they may have their shortcomings and I still hope to diversify my group of friends, I cherish the friends I have because they have been here for me in the toughest of times and truly accept me for who I am. I love my friends with all me heart and I cannot imagine my world without them. For once this is a dream that is already a reality in many ways, and I can sleep peacefully knowing that I have these wonderful friends.
Today was not fantastic, but it wasn't horrible. I was jolted somewhat by the return to class. If anything I feel fine, but largely uninspired. My classes are mediocre at best, and life currently is dull. I have no romance, not any exciting adventures to discuss, but life happened. I ate lunch with good friends at least and hung out with a friend who's commuting now. I looked at my photographs from my vacation, looked up new music, and followed the latest news about the upcoming Canadian election. I didn't accomplish much today and that puts me in the pits, especially as I am just beginning class. I hate to feel in a lull just as class is beginning. I will try to complete one reading tonight so I don't fall behind already in the first day, but I really need to rest and restore my passion for life.
Today I speak of love. There is wide emptiness in this arena of my life at the moment. Loneliness is a sinking feeling in my heart and just discussing this topic causes my eyes to water. I watch all around me the glory of love, its beautiful warmth binding souls together. While I was in San Francisco I thought every so often about a romantic relationship. I've never had a true romance in my life and I am approaching the ripe age of 19. I know it seems young and I truly have much time left for me to experience so much, but here at university, surrounded by so many folks in couples, so much love abound, I feel so alone.
I dream of love that means something. I dream of love that comes out of nowhere and walks into the room. I dream of love that does not catch my first glance, love that is unintentional, and most definitely not at first sight. I dream of love that catches me off guard. I dream of love that pulls me outside my comfort zone. I dream of love that forces me to let go of the worst of me and inspires the best of me. I dream of going places far and near with my love. I dream of sharing my passions with my love. I dream of love that is unexpected, outside of my plans of life. I dream of love in many forms, but most of all as impossible as it may be, I dream of a love that will last as a couple for infinite time. I am willing to live through the challenges, the heartbreak, the mistakes, the chaos, but I want love so badly. There are times when I see someone who my heart drops for, but fear prevents me from ever seeking the love that I notice. Loneliness seems to pervade, but I am going to keep dreaming for love. I remain too afraid to go after my love because of this horrible world and its constraints. I fear what others will think of me. I fear that all my other dreams will fall apart because of love. I hold back the euphoria of love for the mediocrity that I accept daily for fear of falling into an abyss of further loneliness, but I feel like holding back this dam of joy for so long is pulling me unintentionally into my lonely abyss.
In the mean time I will dream. I will believe. And I will listen to spectacular music.
I have had an exquisitely restful break in both cold and rainy San Francisco and Seattle. I have seen smiles of babies and homeless men. I have witnessed driving rainstorms followed by brilliant golden sunshine enlightening sharp cliffs against the ocean. I have felt immense loneliness and heartfelt belonging. I have been through both high stress situations and beautifully comfortable moments. Life is full of amazement, but it is easy to miss it all.
I know that part of passion is joy. Passion is that feeling that no matter the circumstance one can find happiness in a particular interest. For the longest time I have feared having passion. I avoid doing things that involve my full earnestness. For example with most classes, jobs, or other experiences I have encountered, I always manage to do my best to skirt by, rather than delve into what I do. I fear the consequences of diving into any project. If I put too much of myself into it I fear the judgment I will receive when I inevitably make some mistakes. Therefore today I have few passions. I have come to the realization upon this break that whatever I am passionate about doesn't also have to be something I am the best or perfect at. Perfectionism and passion don't have to be companions.
I dream of discovering a passion. I dream of finding contentment in my passion as I grow old. I dream of finding pleasure and joy in a passion despite the judgments of other people towards that passion. I dream of finding a passion that will only earn me respect because people will realize how much passion I put forth towards it, not because I receive validation and praise for my work. I dream of passion that sustains itself. I dream of failing in my passions, falling dramatically out of my comfort zone, but in the end returning to what I love because I have a true passion for it. I dream of passion.
