California

California. Oh my. I cannot wait to be there. In about 12 hours in fact. I am so excited for my journey and vacation. Only one college visit and only two more apps left. Only one assignment left really and I have an entire day to do it when I return. I am so excited.

California is majestic. And my family is so loving. It will fantastic. And if it's not amazing, I'll be fine with that because I won't have to worry about the pressures of life back home.

4 apps done. California in 12 hours. Finally I can rest!!

Peace.

"California" - Phantom Planet

Kill the Apps

College apps are becoming poisonous to my health. I've been doing them since July or August for goodness sakes. They need to end. It will happen within 24 hours. Actually less. I have to. I cannot continue suffering under this insurmountable pressure. They need to leave my head. I need to be free from the thoughts of myself. I am starting to lose sight of who I really am after writing so much about myself. I want it to be over now. But I still have so much work to do. Ay yay yay!

Oh well, 24 hrs, and I have to stop. Otherwise no California for me. Only 36 hrs until Cali!

"Outta My Head" - Ashlee Simpson

Southcenter

I love my friends. I love my life. I wish I wasn't so stressed out or emotional. But what can I do? I am moving forward if ever so slowly. Today I didn't get much I wanted done, but I was happy! So tomorrow is a work day. And I have new jeans.

My excitement is bubbling. I'll just have a good night's rest after my Southcenter excursion, and I will be ready to edit and write and edit and write like crazy tomorrow. And then Wednesday submit. And then Thursday California!!!

One gov. assignment, five essays to write, and seven more to edit, plus four apps to submit by Wednesday. It seems so unreal but after all that I'll be really free. So I better get on it! And the funny thing is that I've already made a move forward and I haven't entirely procrastinated.

"Light" - The Rocket Summer

Maybe

Why can't life just be simpler? Why can't I just figure it out? Why is everyone at it? Why can't I figure out love? What am I? Who am I? Will I ever achieve anything? I am so tired of life being abysmal. I am so frustrated. I am always whining. I am never getting anything accomplished. I am always posting these annoying blogs and I am never getting anywhere in my life. What kind of progress is this. My life sucks. But now I feel guilty for saying that. I feel guilty for whining. I feel guilty for thinking my life sucks. I feel horrible for feeling horrible. I live in this constant cycle of vicious bitterness and anger. I hate this life. I hate how I hate myself. I hate how I lack self-esteem. I want to lead a purpose, but what purpose can I lead? Why am I so afraid to fight for what I believe in? Where is my courage? Why wasn't I raised with any confidence? Why do I always blame my parents? Why do I keep crying? Why can't I talk normally with guys? Why am I ever-so-awkward? Why can't i keep a clean room and why are my gums in pain? I feel so overwhelmed sometimes. Other times I put a smile on. I wonder if the colleges will accept me. I wonder what more I need to know. I wonder what people think about me. I wonder about the chaos in the world and how my life measures up to those of others. I wish I was perfect. And I wish I was happy. I wish I was better. I wish I could be satisfied with my imperfections. I wish I could be the person everyone likes. I wish someone would want more out of me than just friendship. I wish I wasn't so emotional. I wish I could leave. I wish I could be more satisfied with my life in the present. I wish I could stop wishing. I wish I could be kind. I wish I could be a better friend. I wish I could stop judging. I wish I could find peace. I wish the world would stop being so ignorant. I wish I could stop being a hypocrite. I wish I could find some common ending point. I wish I could just be okay. I wish I could be holy. I wish I had better faith. I wish I could be a true non-conformist. I wish I was brave. I wish I could be moral. I wish I could be truthful. I wish I could find something to be proud about. I wish I could make more of a difference in the world. I wish I was a better son and brother. I wish I could fulfill my expectations. I wish I could handle the emotions. I wish I could breathe. I wish I was better looking. I wish I had a better fitness. I wish to live for many more decades. I wish my friends could be happy. I wish I could be less selfish. I wish someone would tell me how to fix my life. I wish I could find a curable diagnosis for my life. I wish I could change around my life. I wish I could accept all this and be okay. I wish I could be open. I wish I could be open-minded. I wish I could think sometimes. I wish I could find happiness in all those small moments. I wish I could watch all the movies I never give myself a chance to see. I wish I could understand how everyone around me works. I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I wish to go to college. I wish I knew which college would be worthwhile. I wish I knew my future. I wish I could be more prepared. I wish I could stop procrastination, today, tomorrow, and forever. I wish I could be on vacation forever. I wish I could be happy eternally. I wish I could be happy and sad without being so unstable. I wish I had less stress. I wish I could do more. I wish I could stop dreaming so much. I wish I could dream more. I wish I could be perfect. I wish I could write that novel. I wish I had taken advantage of more opportunities in the past. I wish I had more self-discipline. I wish I was a better martial artist. I wish I had more creativity. I wish I could find some love. I wish I could be a better and more trustworthy driver. I wish I could take risks. I wish I was smarter. I wish I sang. I wish I understood what everyone tries to convey. I wish I could communicate better. I wish I could have more money. I wish I could have more time. I wish I didn't have to do all the stupid things I do. I wish I could stop crying over the spilled milk. I wish it were simpler. I wish I could see through all the pain. I wish I could feel real pain. I wish I could stop playing tetris. I wish I could get reality. I wish I had straight As. I wish I could be less perfect. I wish I could be more timely. I wish I could meet everyone's expectations. I wish I could be less social. I wish I could be more fun. I wish I was a more interesting person to hang out with. I wish I was more Bohemian. I wish I was able. I wish I could do my job well. I wish I read more often. I wish I did more community service. I wish I challenged myself more. I wish I was better and managing my time. I wish I was more appreciated. I wish I was more modest. I wish I knew how to put myself out there and stand out. I wish I could be more like those people I admire and look up to. I wish people would want to hang out with me. I wish I could stop seeing my therapist. I wish my sessions were more productive. I wish I could lead more effectively. I wish people would stop judging me. I wish I would stop thinking about what people think. I wish I didn't take everything so personally. I wish I could have more time to relax on the grass or beneath the stars or on the beach. I wish I could study harder. I wish I could sleep less without feeling so exhausted. I wish I could go to sleep earlier. I wish I could find a better job. I wish I could change someone's life. I wish I could be understood. I wish someone liked me for who I am.

Maybe I'll change. Maybe I'll figure out my life. Maybe in the future. Maybe I'll be who I want to be. Maybe I won't. Life is the most tumultuous idea. But it's a marvelous adventure.

"Maybe" - Ingrid Michaelson

The Simple Things

Sleep. Eat. Drink. Friends. All you need to stay alive.

RAK

Random acts of kindness. Do it.

"Speechless" - Lady Gaga

Halfway

Life is only partly fully. We can only partly be. We can only partly exist. What I'm saying is we aren't messiahs. Nobody is assured entrance into the college of their dreams, no matter how special they are. No one is going to know how to lead their lives. No musician is always going to hit number 1. That's life.

If we worry so much about being one thing or holding someone reputation, we get caught up in the idea and dream instead of taking reality and finding joy in the moment. We can't wait for life to come at us, we have to go forth and live. Not everything will be in our grasps and we cannot become greedy, but when we live with a conscience and live with a purpose we can live with meaning. But always realize that we are always only halfway. We can never reach the true end and we have past the beginning by far. We are born with flaws and we will die unaccomplished. But we are also born with talent and we will die with pride. But in between there are no absolutes.

Touch the air. Smell the brilliance. Taste the mountains. Look at your soul. Hear your heart.

"Halfway Gone" - Lifehouse

Not Anymore

I'm not the person who I once was. Or the person I think I am. I am so lazy now. I am so hopeless. I am so stressed. I am so unfocused. I don't know what to do. I just want something to go right in my life. I just want to be happy and less worried. I don't want to live like this forever. I just want to change. I am tired of wanting to be different and never changing. I am tired of my family bearing their pressure upon me. I am tired of being late to school because my carpooler can't get out on time. I'm tired of handling on this stress poorly. I remember being a friendlier person. But my past seems so distant.

What happened to me?

Blame

I try to find a blame for my problems usually. I seek a medical cure. Or a psychological one. Or I blame my parents. Or I blame my friends. Or I blame my lack of sleep. Or poor eating habits. Or sickness. Or the auction. Or time. Or something else. I seem to always search for blame. It's so much easier to blame something for one's problems. But I have to face the facts.

"Mess of Me" - Switchfoot



"I am my own affliction. I am my own disease"
"There ain't no drug to make me well"

It's sooooo true. I am my own disease. I cause my problems. I can't blame myself, but I can't hide myself in all the blame. I can't keep finding excuses for my problems. I need to make a difference in my life. And I just need to stand up and do it. There is no easy panacea. My life is falling apart because I have been clinging to the cliff for too long. I mean if I do all these things and I can't even find time to apply to college, what kind of person does that make me? I wish I could just be on top of things. But I'm not. I am not perfect.

But it's time to reverse this tragedy. "I want to spend the rest of my life alive!"

That takes hard work, perseverance, and determination. I guess I just need to be done with this. I need to be done with the weakling that I am. I have strength. I have spirit. I have confidence. Especially after the 15 page paper I just completed.

One more week - then freedom. End 2009 with a shebang!

"We were the kings and queens of promise..."

"Kings and Queens" - 30 Seconds to Mars



I Love this song right now. But it haunts me with its message. I feel like I have collapsed and that I have failed myself in too many ways to count. I am so behind with everything. I had so much hope.

I started the year back from the inspirational trip to New York City. I was ready for rather easy classes this year. I was fresh into the auction season ready to be the best Senior class pres ever. I was ready to explore the world. I was ready to get my college apps completed by the end of November. I was ready to fulfill my dreams and make a difference. I was ready to get my black belt. And to get a job. I was thrilled for this year.

Boy, was I torn apart. The claws of Senior year came out and attacked. I have scraped by, but I feel like the promise and hope I once had have now disappeared. I feel no more motivation.

Yesterday I was talking to a friend who asked me why I do the things I do. I feel like such a monster because I don't know why. I don't really know why I am class president. Do I just want power? Do I just want attention? Do I just want recognition? Are my motivations sincere or am I a despicable person?

I don't know who I am anymore. I don't see the kid who won the geography bee. I don't see the kid who smiles all the time. I don't see the kid who was always excited and passionate. I don't see the kid who knows how to have a good time. I don't see the kid who put forth incredible effort. I don't see the kid who was organized. I don't see the kid who was comfortable in his own skin. I don't see the kid who had the promise of tomorrow. Rather I see nothing anymore. I don't see much reason to live with all that I am looking forward to. I feel like I am so trapped in my dark tunnels. Where is the light?

I have done so much. I just wish I could accomplish my dreams. But can I?

-----------------------------------------

Sometimes we are inspired. I just re-read the lyrics of this song.

I realized that the message sent is that even when we feel we are faltering after holding so much hope and promise for the future, we are just starting to learn our lessons. That's what the faltering is. The mistakes happen when we leave our bubbles of security. And when we face the world and take on the challenges we can feel overwhelmed, lose hope, but we are maturing.

Houston, a Texan and Southern city just elected a lesbian for a mayor. If that's possible so much is. I won't be blind, but I will still hold hope!

Too Much Disappointment

Looking back on the past few months since school began, I feel intense regret. I am horrified by my habit of irresponsibility, lassitude, and late night distraction. I feel like I have declined so much. I once had such great self-discipline. I guess I really did far too much this year. I feel ever more so that it would be best to attend a somewhat less challenging college and learn how to restore my self-discipline habits. Or I could really try to take care of myself and deal with my flaws in a productive manner. I don't really know what I need to or should do, but I know that I just hate who I have been recently. I haven't done what I love. I have ignored so many close friends. I have abandoned so much in my life for requests, duties, and tasks that I care little for.

I am so exhausted all the time. I lament so often. I feel like I can never get better sometimes. I feel trapped in this misery. I need to do so much and crunch time is here, but I can't stop playing tetris. I can't get myself to sleep before 1. I can't get any homework done at productive times. I can't be the person who I once was, and I am definitely not the person I want to be. I don't know where the balance is, but I feel like I will never reach it at this rate. I hope I can change, but hope cannot do much.

After watching Invictus tonight, and reinvigorating myself with the messages of Obama yesterday I felt a dose of inspiration. But now that it's late and I still have college apps and a huge analysis to complete I feel like inspiration doesn't help me. I feel like I can never change. I feel like I am always going to only put my 10% effort forth and spend 99% of my energy wasting away and worrying. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to start. I just want the college apps to be over with. I just want the huge amount of schoolwork to sputter away.

I feel like the inspiration of great leaders only lasts for those short periods of times like the day after an election or at the Rugby world cup. But once the long haul approaches, hope dies. I feel so hopeless. I feel like I am drained of all inspiration and I am only 17. I feel the reality of life crashing upon me. The onus of my future is like the force of gravity on Jupiter. The mistakes of the present are piercing my soul and mind. And I am so concerned by the pain of these forces that the present is barely holding me together. The few times when I feel free from these pressure of the past and future it just seems like they are springs ready to whack me again like a mouse trap the next time I step into the slippery slope of worry. Never can I step outside of this.

How does everyone else do it? How do they enjoy life in the moment? How do they accept the past? How do they feel motivated without panicking for the future? I feel incredibly off-balance. If only there was a simple solution.

"Everything" - Lifehouse

A Positive Attitude Actually Works

Today I smiled. I was positive. And it worked. I worked quickly. Boss like me. No martial arts. Saturday Night Live.

Then I worried. About the homework. And the deadlines. Now it's late. And I'm tired. Tomorrow might suck.

But no worries. Positivity will conquer.

"Don't Worry Be Happy" - Bobby McFerrin

Finished

I finally reached the destination. The auction reached its end today, and we were rather successful. While me earned less money than last year our profit nearly doubled thanks to the incredibly cheap cost of our location. No, it wasn't perfect, but after all the work and stress I put into this project I am finally finished.

However I am not as ecstatic as I should be. Yes, I am overwhelmingly happy, but today I realize how important it is to find happiness during the journey, not just at the end of it. I love the reward of fulfillment at the end, but that is such a risk to believe in some ultimate euphoria upon finishing the journey. If I have to go through so much pain to garner reward, I am clearly not leading my life rightly. I am gradually changing, and I am committed toward shifting my negative outlook. I struggle with my cynical family and the inbred hatred I have for positivity, but I need to stop worrying about the cause and face the facts. I can't change how I was raised or my way of thinking entirely, but I can gradually reduce my extreme moodiness and irrationality. I can learn to manage my time better and handle the stress in a more productive manner. I can't be perfect, but I can do well.

We always will search for that resolution that sums up all these life lessons, but I am satisfied with the fact that we can't. If I can accept my imperfections and work with them instead of against them I can be who I want to be.

"The Resolution" - Jack's Mannequin

Shut Up and Let Me Go

"Shut Up and Let Me Go" - The Ting Tings



My interpretation: it's time for me to shut up, stop worrying so much, and go forth.

Self-Esteem

"Beautiful" Cover (Christina Aguilera)



Okay, so this is not the best singing in the world and this girl is not exactly a super model, but this video inspires me more than the excellent music of the actual Christina Aguilera. This girl doesn't care what people think, I mean most people who've viewed her are haters, and post horrible comments, but she keep uploading videos.

Most people don't have the courage to do such a thing. She has self-esteem somehow if she can have this courage. I feel like our society underestimates the importance helping improve self-esteem. I know that it makes my life much more challenging then necessary and I see so many people doing so many negative things as outlets for their low self-esteem. Why do you think someone would randomly murder 4 police officers in Lakewood? Or why people do drugs? Or give themselves plastic surgery or buy big cars? They are all trying to find outlets or solutions for their low self-esteem. Drugs take us away from the problems we face. Anger and violence release it. Materialism distracts us from the problems. Like in the movie Precious we must face reality and instead of treating it like misery, find hope.

I've questioned my idealism recently. I feel so hopeless and lowly sometimes. But I guess I am thinking too much. We have to go throughout life a little lost and accept it. We sometimes have to ignore all the reality, but if we don't even realize the reality, we can become ignorant and we will fall that much harder.

So find a way to release the frustration. Find a way to be positive. And focus. And realize that the world is not perfect, you are not perfect, and dream.

Believe in yourself just that one inch.

If you doubt it look back on your life.

What can you say about it that is good?

I think of my passion. I think of my friendly attitude. I think of my scholarship.
But recently I haven't been this way.

And ask yourself why you aren't what you want to be or think you are.

For me, it's because I haven't taken care of myself. I haven't allowed myself to focus and I have lost touch of reality. I have become a demon I never wanted to be. And I am changing, but it is a crazy process.

Take a deep breathe. And dive. hmm, I think I want to go swimming now.

Am I still the passionate otterman?

I've thought of a lot today. I realize how much I need to motivate myself. I realize how much self-discipline I need in life. I realize how hindering my stress is to my life and the people around me. I finally see the danger of my worry, anxiety, and burgeoning fear on my life goals, happiness, and family and friends. I am slightly ashamed, but very much relieved that I can finally see all this.

I challenged myself in the past year and a half to take on more than I could handle. But in the long-run I have just slacked away instead of maintaining the quality of my passion towards my goals and challenges. I have slept less, eaten horribly, forgotten to exercise. I have ignored people's emotions, overwhelmed myself in my own emotions, and encrusted myself in apathy. I have ignored myself, the people around me, and my life. I have been caught up in the past and in the future, but I haven't even enjoyed or focused on the present. It's both about joy and focus. I have just worried and feared everything around me: the expectations of myself, family, and friends. I have been afraid to face the realities. I have been afraid to face my demons. But I am finally realizing all of this.

In this week so much has changed in my life. I cried in the middle of class. I realized how unemotional and dispassionate my leadership has been. I realize how much I have worried about the auction, but how little I have actually tried to do something. I watched Precious and realized how I have to accept all these challenges in life and live with them. I turned in a college application and realized how I need to enjoy my applications and show the colleges what I truly believe in. My torah tutor died of cancer and I realized how much I have shoved Judaism aside for schoolwork and my ambitions. I realize how little I have done for what I really care about and how much I have done that only adds to my stress level. I thought about how often I say yes to things I cannot do, and I can barely accomplish what needs to be done. I realized how much needs to change in this world that can only happen if I get off my lazy butt and start walking the talk.

Recently I have forgotten who I am. I was so overwhelmed in my goals and the regrets of my past that I forgot to see what made me proud. I realized how damaged my self-esteem has been. I have friends who are so conceited and arrogant, but at least they are happy in their worlds. I don't have to be like them and brag all the time about my accomplishments, but I can still have their level of self-esteem if I espouse the values I believe in.

I am passionate. I have always believed this. It's always my answer when I am asked for one word that describes me. However I recently have only been passionate in my thoughts, not in my actions. I have cared a lot about these blog posts, about my peer judgment, my looks, my worries, but not turning that passion toward anything effective. I'm tired of thinking about who I am. I need to start being who I am.

I am passionate. I am open-minded. I am excited. I am thoughtful. I am spontaneous. I am understanding. I am friendly. It's time to be who I say I am.

And the key I have discovered is to stop thinking so much, and to start doing. Living. Being. Accepting my past struggles and greatness, and moving toward the future without freaking out over it. It won't happen tonight or tomorrow or ever, but I can always make an effort to find the balance.

This is my motivation for my passion for the environment.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

New York's Senate voted against the equal marriage bill, and I am angry. I think I will start to do something here to bring marriage. I am tired of waiting for the ignorant to awaken and the stubborn elderly to die. It shouldn't come to that to have gay marriage legalized. Listen to this speech and you will only feel stronger in your support of same-sex marriage or open your mind if you oppose it.

New York State Senator Diane Savino

Tears

Ever have those days?

Exhausted. Late. Windshield. Iced. Frigid. Red. AIDS. Carpool. Traffic. Park. Out. Run. Bell. Listen. Planner. Checklist. Meet. Discuss. Auction. Auction. Auction. Propose. Auction. Argue. Auction. Argue. Auction. Leave. Ashamed. Run. Bell. Barely. Japanese. Planner. Checklist. Stressed. Teacher. Cranky. Forehead. Hurts. Downstairs. Run. Physics. Talk. Auction. Adviser. Meet. Wait. Talk. Auction. Stress. Noticed. Stress. Depressed. Ouch. Pressure. Sniffle. Cry. Cry. Cry. Tears. Flow. Wet. Hate. Misery. Disgust. Embarrassed. Avoid. Close. Scared. Upset. Angry. Unhappy. Stress. Release. Breathe. Bathroom. Return. Physics. Cruise. Chat. Sniffle. Friend. Gone. Friend. Stressed. Friend. Ignores. Eat. Slowly. Miserable. Cold. Chilly. Ungodly. Government. Talk. Often. Forget. Sniffle. Breathe. Calm. Think. Write. Plan. Outside. Cold. Sunshine. Warmer. Pretend. Talk. College. Stress. Kumon. Life. Work. Statistics. Sit. Planner. Cruise. Ask. Confused. Bored. Annoyed. Chat. Crush. Focus. Smirk. Problems. Answer. Help. Stuck. Weird. Done. Escape. Chat. Release. Breathe. Smile. Frown. Somewhere. Cold. English. Blah. Listen. Fade. Planner. Checklist. Auction. Frankenstein. Discuss. Wait. Outcast. Inclusion. Shelley. Yawn. Yawn. Yawn. Stress. Noticed. Concerned. Ignore. Apologize. Away. Bell. Gone. Nevermind. Dissatisfied. Miserable. Downcast. Slouch. Honor. Society. Sit. Called. Run. EMP. Yay. Smile. Fist. Run. Cold. Return. Mastermind. Talk. Talk. Talk. Listen. Talk. Sleepy. College. No. No. Stress. More. Money. Wealth. Inclusion. Claremont. Berkeley. Curtis. Ignore. Stressed. Relax. Chat. Chat. Release. Complain. Whine. Advice. Help. Unhelpful. Maybe. Breathe. Shout. Release. Car. Music. Home.

"Hang On" - Plumb

Why not Be Happy?

No, today wasn't spectacular by any mention. But I'm happy anyways.

I dislike my seat in Stats, but I am proud of my speech in ASB. I was embarrassed in martial arts, but levelheaded at Kumon. I haven't been particularly productive this evening and even missed a deadline for a project, but at least I had very little homework tonight.

So life wasn't particularly bad or good. So be happy. Even if it seem stupid, enjoy life now because you may not have a chance to enjoy it in the future. I have lamented for so long about my future and about leaving this present life, but if I am constantly worried about the future I will never be happy in the present.

Or perhaps I am reaching that point of happiness. But really I am just realizing how important it is to live for the moment. I'll enjoy this life I am blessed with now. Why not?

"Where is the Love?" - Black Eyed Peas (back when they were good)

Bravery

I need a little courage. That's all. Tomorrow will be another yucky day. But I will endure. I will do my best at work and if I get fired for trying my best at a 9 dollar an hour job then so be it. If the auction is a miserable failure so be it. If my grades suck on my stats test or my physics midterm so be it. I have to face the onslaught of life. I have to persevere. And not just persevere, but to take it all in stride. I won't just plow through the obstacles, I'll dance, jive, and swim. I'll speak out. I'll stand up for myself. But most importantly I'll have the courage to stand against my internal fears.

Last night I had the most frightful dream. I was sweating all over and freaking out because the moment I entered the auction (dreadfully late for setup) I was met by past ASB members who brought up how badly I was doing compared to previous presidents. And how i was a failure. And then my Kumon boss came up to me to tell me of my failure in addition and somehow my Washington Aerospace Scholar was there too to tell me how poor I was as a leader and how stupid I was.

I know I am smart. I know I can lead. I know I can be great. I've worked hard in life and I know I'm not what these people say. But I also know that I don't handle criticism well. So I guess this is just a wake up call that I need to deal with it calmly instead of sweating it out and accept life. I must believe in myself if I want to ever face life and face my dreams.

"Fearless" - The Bravery

Precious

"Move Along" - All-American Rejects

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SQg-TzmAr0

Yeah, so I've already put this up, but it's only the intro into this:

Tonight I saw the movie Precious, which I have anticipated since the Summer. It won many awards and I expected something special. Usually when my expectations are high I am slightly disappointed like with District 9, while when my expectations are blank I am quite surprised like with V for Vendetta. This time I was shocked to have actually beaten my high expectations. I was sent on such a roller coaster ride and the emotional turbulence was incredible. I felt like I could feel the pain and feel the struggle of Precious while still being comfortable in my theater seat. It was an odd feeling of connection yet detachment that made it so powerful.

I think the most important theme was that life is life. Throughout the movie we see her go through so much struggle, and I think I am more depressed than she was sometimes. Despite the utter misery of her life, she wasn't dead. She kept moving along. And all the support systems, pluck that had to move her forward. There is no happy ending. But there is a future. And that discontented, unraveled completion of her story struck me. It was so real. I realize that the petty struggles of life are so inconsequential. I realize how we all go up and down and how we just have to accept it. But I also realized that while I am in this state of comfortable living I should enjoy it. I shouldn't worry so much about what people think or what people say because I have food. And I'm not pregnant with my father's child. And life is just generally good.

"Destiny" - Mary J. Blige



The problem in life is that we spend so much time trying to figure out how to be happy. We just have to live and discover happiness within ourselves. There's no panacea. There's no drug.


But there is the human spirit.

Baby Steps

Small steps. That's all it takes. And then the momentum builds. I've just been running on empty for too long.

Like this video, it seems so tedious to film every moment of a car ride from LA to NY but it was done and it makes for a really cool composition.

Time Lapse: LA to NYC
"Behind" - Lacquer

Writing and Hoping

It's time for me to get it together. It's time for me to combat the chronic stress. It's time for me to end the procrastination. It's time for me to stop being impressed by a song and inspired for one moment. It's time for me to be motivated. It's time for me to handle all I have been offered. It's time for me to accept reality. It's time for me to calm down. It's time for me to be a normal person able to handle the challenges that confront me and take my life in stride.

But I am trapped in the mud. I don't think I can or will rise from my hopelessness and self-pity. I want to be free. I want to live as myself. I want to be the leader and the good friend. I want to go around in society without being an outcast, while still being unique. I want to find the balance, but I feel so out of whack. I want to inspire others and still be inspired. I want to learn so much, but I want to also understand life enough to stand. How, How, HOW! Everyone else seems to get along well enough so easily. They seem to handle it all so well. Why can't I just be like them? Why can't I stop my whining? Why can't I stop freaking out? Why can't I handle it? Why can't I just be accepted?

I am afraid. I am afraid of living as someone who I am not. I am afraid of being the constant outcast who is dreary and incapable of success. I am afraid of being left stuck in the mud. I am afraid that I will always be the loser. I don't know how everyone else does it, but I feel like I am missing the panacea for all my problems. Could it really be that easy? Could there be a solution that I just am oblivious to?

"Turpentine" - Brandi Carlile







"These days we go to waste like wine
That's turned to turpentine
It's six AM and I'm all messed up
I didn't mean to waste your time
So I'll fall back in line
But I'm warning you we're growing up"

Exactly how I feel.

Thanksgiving Eve

Thanksgiving is my favorite non-Jew holiday. I love the food. I love the family gatherings (even though I've never had a real one). I love being gracious.

Today was weird. I feel so out of it. I am alive, but am I really? I feel like I am in a coma sometimes and that I don't even notice all the time that is passing by. But maybe it's because reality and stress have become so inherent in my life that I am drunk on it. I am overwhelmed constantly. I am stressed out every day. I am stressed out every minute. I feel it in my mind. I feel it in my hands. I feel the nervous energy running down my spine. I feel it when talking to even my closest friends. I worry, I freak out, I don't seem to be able to control myself.

I live in fear. I live in fear of failure. I am afraid of speaking in class because I don't want to make any mistakes. I am afraid of being friends with people because I don't want to fail them. I am afraid of just doing things because I don't believe I can.

I keep asking myself that perhaps I am just flat out unintelligent. I mean I can't really solve complex problems without help from others; I'm just really good at gathering all that information other's teach me and spitting it back out. I'm slow at learning and slow just generally. At work I fear the wrath of my boss and her threats to replace the workers who are too slow and inaccurate. I fear the martial arts instructor bogging down on me for not understanding the form. Or the parents for bad grades in Stats. Or the class council for my laziness leading the auction. Or just the entire world for being me.

I know that I am supposed to challenge myself to be who I want to be, but sometimes I feel like every time I challenge myself I become even more miserable. I am not reaping the benefits of these challenges at all. They just weigh down on me. I need to get past the immediate emotions, but I don't find fulfillment anywhere anymore. I don't even know what drives me really. Why do I work at a place I hate? Or do activities that burden me? Why do I avoid social activities for college apps? I set myself up for this path, but do I really need to do so?

Pathetic: that's how I feel. Hopelessly pathetic.

I'm on a train going 100 mph and I ran off the tracks years ago, but I never stopped to look where I was going. Sometimes I wish I could start all over. I could have tried that much harder in freshman year. I could have tried that much harder last first semester. I could have opened my mind earlier in my life. Could it be that I am just a lower species compared to the rest of the human race? Do I really belong with everyone else? Or am I truly inferior?

That's it, I'm really just lost and confused.

I am thankful for the ability to even think about these things. I think I am overthinking it all, but I wouldn't know unless I had pen and paper or this wonderful macbook.

"Here Goes Nothing" - Never Shout Never

What's the point?

After finishing Frankenstein, I realize how important it is to prevent emotions, uncheked ambition, and isolation from overtaking one's life. I hope to never become so self-centered that I forget a greater purpose in the world. The best thing to do is to put yourself out there, fearlessly facing the world and being as awesome as I can be. I won't be perfect, but I can do my best to be myself.

Identity: who am I? What am I? Where do I fit in? I still don't know the answers, but I continue to keep an open-mind and search for the greater meaning of life. God, thank you for this great world we live in. I continue to stretch my mind, learn more, and be more than I ever expected!

"Industry" - Jon McLaughlin



Can I face the real world? Can I fit in with society and still be unique? Live in inspiration. Tomorrow will be difficult; tomorrow can also be fantastic: it's all about outlook. Face the fears. Face the realities.


And never stop dreaming.

Luck

Sometimes I wish I were lucky. This weekend I discovered that a few of the people I knew from middle school were doing spectacularly at our rival high school. I felt slightly jealous and wondered if going to Skyline would have raised my GPA or class rank because it is competitive. I wonder if I could have been more successful going to an indoor school and being a complete nerd at a school where I could not have been distracted by leadership and relationships and music.

But then I realize that it is all in perspective. I really am lucky. I have amazing friends and so little drama compared to what happens spending ten minutes with my old friends who go to Skyline now. I am happy that I stepped outside my shell to do ASB. I am proud to have done all the activities I have done for not a purely ambitious purpose. In fact I'm proud I'm not that ambitious, because it has forced me to find motivation for more meaningful reasons. And I always question my ambition at Issaquah so that I don't end up like Macbeth.

Either school would have provided me a similar experience. But God guided me to this point. I don't see why he would have led me to such a competitive group of students other than to teach me a lesson about perspective.

Patience. Perspective. Positivity. 3 Ps for my week!

All leading up to Precious!!!!!!

"The Tip of the Iceberg" - Owl City

Yeah I'm obsessed with Owl City on late nights doing homework. But it is sooooo stress relieving. It's interesting to think that I am probably only at the tip of my potential and wisdom. I'm excited for how much more I can learn, mature, and live.

One step forward

It is so relieving to feel accomplished. I finally submitted an application to a university and I never expected it to be so rushed and sudden, but it happened. And I do not doubt that I worked hard on it. It probably wasn't my best product, but I have learned so much through this application process and I am prepared to go on to my seven other schools. The applications are actually not that horrible, and with my recent focus and motivation I feel invigorated to get things done. I have a very busy next few weeks but I am so excited for my mini-break next week and to see Precious.

One step forward, many more to go. But for once I have done something. I hope I got in! UW sounds so exciting!! I'm surprised at how much I really love it the more I visit... I think I'll like any college I go to. For some reason I'm getting over the weather. And I'm caring less about all the trivial things. But I am appreciating what I have.

So excited to go debate tomorrow. I hope I can sway people toward my side (I'm fighting for a double negative... how weird is that?) and maybe even win best speaker for once. And I get to present some chapter activism ideas. My excitement is flourishing! Life is wonderful and although I make tons of mistakes, I am so ready to face the challenges and move forward.

College. Auction. JSA. Work. There's so much. But life is here. Life is now. And life is amazing.

"Don't Upset the Rhythm" - Noisettes



gotta love Zimbabweans.

Why Dream

I live for the smiles. I live for the laughs. I live for the changes I make in people's lives. I live for the impact I make on the world. I believe in action. I believe in social change. I believe in standing up for what I believe in. I care. I love this planet. I love the people on this planet. I love bringing joy to people.

I don't want to sound like I am godly somehow or selfless because in reality my expectations and goals never reach the level I yearn for. In fact all this time I spend whining about my failures and struggles just reveals how weak I really am. But I do the things I do so that I can find fulfillment. And I know I will only be happy with myself if I am serving others and improving the lives of others. There is only temporary fulfillment in parties, comfort food, and ice skating. But when I help someone else I feel overjoyed, and I feel motivated. I think we all do things for ourselves, so I admit that I am a selfish person. Hopefully I can live beyond my self-interest.

I live for the moments when I can make someone's day better. I live for the dirt in my hands when I plant a tree or when I hug one. I live for the sense of fulfillment when I have accomplished a fundraiser or when I have helped someone with their studies. I live for that joy of the Kumon child who has pure fun in my presence.

I need to keep my dream in mind. Because if I am constantly reminded of my dream I feel the motivation running through my veins. I have so much excitement inconsistently and unproductively; I should probably just get more sleep and exercise. However I think my point is that if we can believe in our dreams and live for them we can live. Or we can be satisfied with life as it is. I prefer the less pleasant route.

"Shooting Star" - Air Traffic

Connect

I am supposed to connect to the audience in my college app essays. The admissions counselors searching for a unique individual who would be a good fit for the school. What is that supposed to mean? How do I convey my entire life and passion for a college in less than 500 words? How do I tell UW how badly I want to participate in the opportunities offered by the honors college without sounding desperate? How do I show the University of California that my dream is to sit beneath the eucalyptus and make a difference under the glorious sun when I only have 1000 words and they are currently all bragging about my talents. I need to find a way to use my time wisely to focus on these apps, but I have no idea how I can better show these colleges the reason I want to go. They are so crucial to my entrance, but I feel like they do not show my love of life, activism, social change, and the environment. Maybe I'm not the person I think I am.

I feel like I am a communication failure. How on earth can other people communicate so well? I am the slowest texter on Earth. I freak out so easily and show it so often. I have lost all my reputation through my disreputable unreliability and innumerable mistakes that I never seem to learn from. Maybe I have ADD or something. Or some crippling mental disorder that makes me overemotional, irrational, and impossible to communicate with. I try so hard to be my ideal, but I never seem to show the side of me I want people to know about. I seem to screw everything up.

I wish I could put a smile on my face and feel better about myself. But maybe I don't want to feel better about myself. I wish I could just change. I feel so selfish and miserable, yet my life is so wonderful. I have a living and healthy family. I live a posh lifestyle in the suburbs. I haven't gone through much suffering. I have been so afraid to look out at the world and take risks until recently. And now that I am taking so much risk, I feel engulfed, but I haven't had a chance to reflect on all the new opportunities that have occurred in my life.

There is no easy route. In fact I had a bit of a realization today while "tutoring" at Kumon. After all those packets that some kids do I realized how satisfying it can be to get through the slog and complete the goal. And as miserable as a Kumon math or reading packet may be, to get through it, to persevere and to last to feel that emotion of fulfillment is powerful. Even if my college apps are filled with imperfections (perhaps that's who I am) I want them to know the real me and I want to just have that feeling of submitted.

And then I hope that I can be accepted.

Dreams. Life for them. Die for them. And be them.

Gattaca

Bubbles within Bubbles

I hate the bubble I live in. I am so closed-minded sometimes. I really didn't want to go to the UW, but I recently looked at the UW Honors program course listing and the programs they are involved in and I was amazed. I don't know why I have overlooked this nearby school for so long with such great programs. I only have 15 days now to perfect all my essays for this school and I hope I can get in to their honors program. The faculty, programs, options, students all pique my interest. Ah... what a sad fact in life when we overlook what is right beneath our noses.

In my little suburb, there is an amazing closed-mindedness. We assume that highly ranked schools like Stanford and Columbia are the places to be, and that anything lesser is unacceptable. I feel miserable trapped in this box. And I become like those around me, justifying the competitive attitudes and rankings for reasons like nobel laureate staff. I despise myself sometimes. UW isn't all that badly ranked and I just looked down upon it because everyone around me did. For once I need to really stand up against my peers and act as myself. I am going to that info. session on Friday and I am not going to let my peers hold me back!

Live outside of the stupid bubble. It's when we are so closed-minded that we can't understand concepts like health care reform or gay rights that we become lesser people. Or when we become so closed-minded that we won't listen to the other side's views and just base life off assumptions. We all need to stop and think about how we lead our lives. It isn't about winning. It isn't about being the best. It isn't about money. Or fame. I think it's about finding fulfillment and happiness, but I will keep an open-mind that will hopefully open me to other possibilities. Sometimes what we are searching for all our lives is right there in front of us, but other times we have to work arduously for our dreams. Either way, anyway, we just need to appreciate life and keep it all in perspective.

Life is awesome. Thank you God for giving me this opportunity to go to college.

"My Happy Ending" - Avril Lavigne



so what it's avril lavigne. She's from Napanee. Go Canada.

You Gotta Believe

Life sucks. I was so sleepy today, and I will barely be awake tomorrow. I had some simple goals for college stuff today, but lassitude and sluggishness inhibited me; I was even falling asleep through the nightly news!

I am so behind, and I was determined to get ahead. I am faltering so greatly and I am feeling the pressure so intensely, but I feel some smidgen of hope ahead. I mean I know I can do it, but I just need to put forth the effort to manage my time, sleep, exercise, eating, and everything else in a way that will enable me to do all I want to the fullest. But this month I have limited my priorities: college apps (specifically uw and uc) and auction. I cannot get overwhelmed by everything else. Yes, there is work, temple, and school, but I need to do those two other things as well. Every other thing needs to sink away at the moment, and I even need to cut back a bit on school, work, temple, and health because I have fallen behind so much.

And this tumultuous time is ridiculously painful. I don't want to do anything at times and I live in constant fear of what ifs and procrastination. I am fatally behind, and I need to catch up; most of the time I feel like it is impossible. But I keep telling myself: "You gotta believe," like in the song by The Rocket Summer.

"You Gotta Believe" - The Rocket Summer



With all the upbeat rhythms and sounds, I just can't help but feel like believing. And if I can believe in myself and lose the doubts that hold me back so fervently, I can succeed, and feel confident.

Where would I wish to wake up tomorrow?

My life is such a mess, and I feel so messed up because I am so behind on everything. I have spent so much time whining and worrying that I haven't gotten my life together. I am behind on everything. I've had that UW app opened since summer, and now it is close to the deadline. I have so much homework that I could have worked on today, but instead I slept so much and got distracted with tv. My grades are faltering, my auction is not going as planned, my college plans are falling apart, my friendships are fraying, my family is stressful, and my self-esteem is bleak. I feel like my dreams are falling like hard brick on to my toes.

I feel like I have gone downhill, doing so much that I have actually managed to do less. And I don't know how to get back on the treadmill of life, being the productive, motivated person I once was. I feel so hopeless, and I don't want people to know, but I sort of let it out through my constant complaining and depressive mood swings. I just want to be a more carefree person who can actually get focused when I need to be. I just want that positive upswing in my life. I don't need help, and I don't need people to do things for me. I don't need good in my life; I just want some way of becoming more positive, hopeful, and motivated.

Music is a temporary relief, but then it becomes an addictive distraction. Same with sporcle, facebook, and my atlases (yes, I'm weird). Hanging with friends helps my self-esteem, but then my unproductivity makes me feel lazy and miserable. I just need to stop looking at things so emotionally and negatively, but how do I stop having all the emotions!!!!!!!??????


Why are some people so capable of halting and shutting off their emotions? Why can't I? Why can't I stop letting my emotions take over me? Why can't I focus and accomplish my dreams like everyone else? Why can't I be... perfect. wow, sudden realization.

I guess I just need to accept it, that I'm not going to be able to handle everything, and that I don't need to be perfect. And instead of freaking out and letting all the worries build like a giant avalanche, I just need to remember that it's okay to fall a bit, but then to rediscover that purpose I have established for myself. If only I could remember my dreams better!

Fifty People, One Question - Brooklyn, NY



Some perspective, and some hope.

Dirt

I need to entrench my hands within soil. I need to plant some trees. I need to be amongst nature.

I need to be in the bright lights of the city. I need to explore culture. I need to eat amazing food. I need to meet incredible people. I need to relax beneath the park trees. I need the sound of traffic outside my room.

I NEED to LEAVE my computer. I need to leave the virtual prison of distraction known as the Internet. I need to stop succumbing to the ease of computer diversion. I need to stop losing focus. I need to stop being unmotivated. I need to stop being depressed.

As long as I am here in the suburbs I feel gross, wrong, and miserable. I can't stand the people and the culture here. I can't stand the fake countenances of the workers or the triviality of the worries. I need to get outta here and into the real world.

I wonder if there is a real world outside of the suburbs even. I wouldn't know.

"Dance in the Dark" - Lady Gaga

Put the Past Away

I think I am closing a door. The door of past frustrations and stresses. Yes, I basically procrastinated a lot, but I also spent a lot of time this weekend getting the necessary stuff done. Tomorrow will be hectic, but I will not allow it to drive me insane. I am slightly afraid to take my Stats test, but I have grown to just focus on the goal instead of letting the journey scare me. And for the less frightful journeys, I am learning to enjoy it.

Yes, tomorrow will be crazy, but I think I can handle it. Sort of. But if I could handle it I wouldn't be me. I am going somewhere with my life.

"Jumper" - Third Eye Blind

Appreciating Autumn

Fall has always been a season of depression for me. Not as bad as winter, but pretty miserable. Until this year. This year, I made a conscious effort to change. I have allowed the weather to wear me down, and while I still would prefer sunshine, I am appreciating the crisp chill of autumn and the splendor of all the colors. I am loving the thunder and lightning. I am thrilled by the winds that rush along my face like cattails along my skin. I guess I am learning to appreciate life and reality for what it is.

Today I actually got two essay drafts completed. And I think I might actually get some homework done and a reasonably amount of sleep. I am very imperfect, but I am learning to deal with my imperfections, and the realities. I am accepting who I am and realizing that conforming to the standards of the world may not necessarily be what is best for me at the time. I have always wanted to go to a place like Columbia or Stanford just because the reputation is wonderful, but after reading several reviews of these universities, I will be perfectly happy spending less money at UW and enjoying my next four years of life learning instead of being caught up in the craziness of those stuck-up schools. I guess what I realized finally is that while I would be a great person in the eyes of others if I went to a school like Columbia, I wouldn't necessarily be having a great life. And I know that I prefer my life to reputation. Of course I would go to one of these fancy schools if money was no object, so I will still try passionately because I really do love these schools for what they are. I just accept the fact that my world will not end if I go to UW.

Reality still has room for dreams. But we can always dream outside of reality.

"Academia" - Sia



Dream.

Trapped Within

We are all caught in a trap of fear. It's a net that encapsulates our souls like briny encrustations of barnacles on the pier. Our fears and insecurities cling to us, and unless we cleanse ourselves, we can never be free. These worries always will come back just like the ebb and flow of the tide. But that's how life is meant to be.

I am afraid to miss school. It's important to go to school, but this week I realized that attendance is not as critical as so many other parts of school and life. True, attendance is crucial for meetings and other tantamount affairs, but otherwise health, is a priority, and attendance cannot be a fear. My worries over attendance subsided in the overwhelming fever. 101.9 degrees taught me to be real.

We mostly have perfect lives. Or at least I do in a sense. What I mean is that the fundamental basis of our existence in suburban Issaquah is very similar. We generally have enough money to pay the school fees and lunches, or even go out to eat every once in a while. We often drive to school, when most people in the world cannot afford a single car or even a tank of gas for their families. In all the craziness of college apps, the worries of getting into the top 20 best schools, some kids our age in Appalachia are excited by the prospect of possibly entering community college, and receiving the first high school diploma in their family. The list goes on. We have the basic necessities and more than that. I am blessed to have a loving and accepting family and to live in a community where the education is far more than ample. I don't see violence, pain, or discrimination on a daily basis, so basically my life is relatively perfect.

We worry about so many unnecessary frets. We are afraid. We are afraid of a world more complex than the grades like joining the military, being shot by a sociopath, or dealing with drug dealers on the sidewalk corner. This fear of becoming engulfed in less-than-ideal circumstances becomes channeled into complaints about grades and colleges. Ironically we have become lazy and try the least amount to at scrape ahead of the fear. But most of the lazy can thank god for having given them rich parents, me included.

I am one of the above. Most of us are. And most of us are content with this and go with the flow like the fish in the fishnets. I know some people who aren't trapped entirely, but nobody who is truly free. Those people who can rise above it all and face the world as it is without become Edna Pontellier, will be the presidents, the social shakers, the scientists, and the people who really make a difference. Some people will rise to the occasion to be something close to one of the greats, but only because they have ambition without heart. Those who can manage to deal with all the ambition, all the fear, all the reality, and all the pressure; they are God.

"Locked in a Room" - Oren Lavie



This song sums it up. While what I say seems so easy, we often just end up back in the locked room.

Illness

Illness seems to be God's message to come back to one's senses. I am a very busy person, but today I just relaxed and sort of enjoyed my day off. I work really hard I guess and I stress myself out so much, thank goodness I haven't gotten Mono or something worse with the stressful impacts on my immune system. Reasonable amounts of stress are good, but I get so stressed out that I debilitate myself.

One of the most valuable things I have learned is the power of focus. If I just get started with what needs to be done, like a college essay or a reading in The Awakening, then I can just keep going. But if I worry about it, procrastinate, distract myself, or more, I just keep getting more worried. The best way to stop the wrong direction is to actual turn around.

I also realized a greater purpose on this Earth. Even if I have a C- in Stats or I am behind on college apps, there are more important things in this world like gay rights. Unfortunately gays do not have the same marriage equality of straight couples and this profoundly disgusts me. After seeing last nights election results in Maine, a liberal and progressive state, I realize how important it is to get out there and make a difference. I know I would be angry if the people voted to ban interracial marriages, so I cannot understand why people would want to ban same-sex marriages except for a clouded belief in old morals. We live in the 21st century and we must start living like it. Does a gay marriage affect you if you are not gay? I think not.

Anyways, done with my rant, I'll show you the video that offered me hope for Maine. Only to be crushed last night by the win of the equal marriage foes.

"Together"



(at least WA passed Ref. 71, but that's not even equal marriage...)

I hope for a world of acceptance. A world of progress. A world where we can work together. And I keep believing that this will happen. This rejection of gay marriage just encourages me to work harder for my dreams.

Asparagus

Perseverence is a virtue. But you can't just survive, you must thrive.

We need emotion in life. We need an open-mind, and open heart, and a willingness to be different. We need to be fearless of change. We need to be fearless of discomfort. We need to have a positive outlook. With these simple standards, we can blossom.

"People are like asparagus." At a JSA election, one person ran unopposed and the nominator gave a speech resembling people to vegetables. But it's so true. We are like plants. If we have the basic necessities, food, sleep, exercise, etc., then we can grow. But through love we can bloom.

So stop inhibiting yourself through your prejudices, fears, and lies. Stop being someone you want everyone else to be. Stop satisfying the other people around you, and live for yourself. I'm not saying we need to ignore all our friends, but we need to stop doing things for fear of breaking some societal obligation. Anyways, we are not exactly like plants. We can control our destiny, not like plants clinging to life towards the sunlight. But we can only do so if we can unroot ourselves from the comfortable soils of preconceived notions, closed-mindedness, and comfort. We must exit our shells of safety.

Humans are not clams. Humans are not plants. Humans are not turtles. We have an amazing ability, a neo-frontal cortex, that makes us different from every other animal. And with this god-given gift, we should not waste it by tarnishing our minds with frivilous fears and petty judgments. Live outside the box, live outside that mindset. Wake up tomorrow and appreciate the gloomy darkness or the bright sunny sky. Go through your day excited for the adventure, disappointed at the C on the test or the argument with the friend, but end your frustrations within that moment. Gather your hope and look at the sky or laugh at a funny moment from the past. Draw a picture, jog a trail, do some yoga. Be different. Be hopeful. Take in the frustration and release it into the winds of the past. And take in the breezes flowing by, accepting the future for what it is, happy to be alive, hopeful for harmony.

It's a long tunnel I have entered, but I have more hope instilled within me than I've had in ages.

"Do You Feel" - The Rocket Summer

OMG November

It's November. I'm doomed. I'm entering the tunnel. I hope there are some holes for sunlight and breathing. But I'll be starving for fun and joy by the time I exit. I hope I survive. But I didn't prepare well for this adventure. So it will be an even more insurmountable challenge.

I love a good challenge, it brings me a smile. :)

"Fuzzy Blue Lights" - Owl City



Me being totally random.

A Real Friend

Am I a horrible friend for dumping my stresses on others? Am I a horrible friend for being so self-centered? Am I a horrible friend for allowing my tiredness and frustrations to ruin fun times? Yes, I am.

There are several steps I can take from here.
I can complain about this, and people will usually say, "No, you are a great friend, you care so much about other people; stop saying that."
Or I can sulk even more and ignore people.
I can focus on my schoolwork, college apps, and other goals.
Or I can accept my insecurities, flaws, and mistakes, and move forward.

I am always going to struggle with this. I tend to be sulky, self-centered, self-absorbed, and self-pitying. But I'm not the messiah. However I can always try to be more chipper throughout my day.

The key to all of my goals is: sleep, eat, and exercise, then the rest will come easily.

"じょいふる"　ー　いきものがかり　
"Joyful" - Ikimono Gakari



Some of the weirdest dances I have ever seen. 日本は　とても　すばらしいねえ。

Clear the Mind

Today was miserable. A dearth of hugs. Behind on homework. Unfocused. Teachers lecturing me on my stress level and a degradation of my work quality. Friends questioning my stress level. ASB stress. College stress. Homework stress. Peer stress. Internal stress. I don't have to ramble about all of the stress, but I wish I could talk to someone about it.

I feel incredibly lonely. My best friends seem so unreachable. One seems hostile. Another is awkward. One is totally busy and overwhelmed. And I can't seem to find time for any friend, even the ones with open arms. I am exhausted. I just need someone to reach out to me right now. I guess I need to open myself up, but I am dying inside. I feel like I am rotting away. I feel I have been sent through a meat grinder and a microwave sucking away all my enthusiasm, joy, and happiness.

I will start tomorrow with my plan:

1) Acknowledge the stress
2) Vocalize the stress, write the stress, anything within less than a minute
3) Breathe
4) Think
5) Decide what action to take
6) Breathe
7) Clear the mind and set out all the priorities
8) Delegate
9) Breathe
10) Commit to one thing at a time
11) Then handle more, but slowly
12) Breathe
13) Consider stress level, can I do all that I am committed to?
14) If yes go on to add more stuff, if no, then get what's needed done
15) Breathe
16) Look back and meditate
17) Move forward.

"Such Great Heights" - The Postal Service



In the end, today was good. But I need to just be myself. I need to remove the gucky layers of stress that have covered the real me. And be inspired. And be happy. And find solace.

Competition

Today after class my friends had a debate with me. They believed that the Kumon method of tutoring, repeated memorization, competing against classmates, ultimate aim for perfection, was beneficial for learning in this society because kids need to be prepared for the competitive world. But my belief is that we instill values of competition in children that are unnecessary pressures.

Sure, competitiveness can be beneficial toward getting things done. But only if you want kids to feel immense stress. And it stifles free thinking and creativity. The focus on competition is being the best, leaving little room for friendship, love, and caring. Competition doesn't mean accomplishing dreams, rather it means defeating those around you. At high school we have class rank, and competition drives us. I feel it everywhere: "What college are you applying to? UW isn't good enough for me. What did you get on that test? I got a stupid B+, it's the end of the world! Can I have your assignment; I don't want to fail? What's wrong with cheating? I have a 4.0 so listen to me."

What do people stand for? What's the point of all this cutthroat competitiveness. It really just hurts. The focus on school makes some people downright cold, and I feel that I have lost them as friends. Others begin to have this arrogant attitude. While others still get caught up in it, but never seem to reach that aim of perfection. We can delude ourselves into thinking that we are better than everyone around us, but as Mr. Haff would say, "You are not special."

And it is so true. Nobody's special. Nobody really is better. But when we rank and compare ourselves constantly to one another we only lose out. Because we are lazy. Most people don't become inspired by competition, they just cheat, or plow others to win. And plus, perfection is impossible. Competition just provides a system for people, a way of making sure they are succeeding, for people who don't know what to do with their lives.

I'm glad to have a dream. I have a goal for my life, something to look forward to. I think most kids are missing that. I think most people believe that the only dream is college, or that next party, and to be the top of the class. I once was one of those kids, and I still am largely trapped in the cycle of competition, but I understand its evils so much better now.

When I won those geography bees and was declared the most likely to succeed in middle school I had huge self-esteem. It feels great to be on top. But I crushed everyone beneath me likewise. I built self-confidence and an ego. And the moment I found out that everyone was moving onward to greater things, I felt miserable.

If you live your life in constant competition, you may be happy every once in a while when you reach the top, but you can't stay there forever. One day you'll be kicked out (like eventually Robert Mugabe will be) and you won't be able to control it. We all just have to realize that there is more to life than the destination and the milestones; in fact we just need to realize the greater context. We all must abandon the closed-mindedness of competition if we want to actual discover our full potential.

Together we become better. Together we realize. Friendship trumps competition.

At least in my world

"2Nite" - The Cataracts

Unlike Me

"Unlike Me" - Kate Havnevik



There are no guarantees in life
Not for the present,
Nor for the future.
All I know is
That I'm here;
Don't know for how long.
I love the way
You live so intensely
Enjoy every minute of life
With space to swing
Your arms around
Laughing loudly

Unlike me
Unlike me
Do you think I'm strange?
Unlike you
Unlike you
I am not pretending

There is no time,
There is no time,
There is no time,
Time doesn't really exist.

The past, the present,
And the future,
Are all side by side,
Hand in hand.
You move and change,
Yet you go nowhere:
Everything stays the same.
You stare at me,
And ask me questions,
Makes me nervous,
This room it keeps a constant tone
While I'm on a roller coaster

Unlike me
Unlike me
Do you think I'm strange
Unlike you
Unlike you
I am not pretending

There is no time
There is no time
There is no time
Time doesn't really exist

There is no time
There is no time
There is no time
Time doesn't really exist

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I feel this way often. I feel like time is so unimportant, yet it manages to control my life. I feel so separated from my friends, as if nobody understands me. I feel so exhausted. I feel like I lead a pointless life. I feel a pressure to enjoy this life. I feel a roller coaster of emotions. But I alwasy feel that unlike me, everyone else seems to handle it. Everyone else seems to manage the stresses. And even the stressed out people know how to have fun.

I just need someone. I just need some friends. I just need to know that things will be okay.

Today was yucky. After all the euphoria of homecoming I am so tired and out of focus. I came to school with barely four hours of sleep and an incredible load of stress. I finished the bulk of the doldrums and went to lunch, excited to finally eat out with my friends - until I found out that they left early from third period (the class I tried to get into earlier this year). It shouldn't cause me such grief, but I ended up spending lunch in the melancholy library, unhappily drowning in the misery of study; I didn't even have much homework to make up.

But that's life, I guess. My friends try to console me. Maybe I demand too much. But I spend so much time alone now. I never feel included anymore. I tried so long to reach out to my friends, but now I need them to reach out to me. I feel like all the effort I put into my friendships has been unrequited. I just want a hug. Or a hello. And if possible for someone to reach out to me. But in my desperation I am now talking to the ASB teacher at lunch. I feel like I have lost all my friends. I feel like nobody cares. But I need my friends to survive. And I don't have time right now to find new ones. I don't have the energy to go out searching for them half my lunch in the cold only to find out they aren't at school at all.







Where can I go if I am surrounded by cold shoulders?

Is There an Answer?

Getting my life together isn't as easy as I thought it would be. It's nearly ten now, and I haven't even started my homework that I've had one week to complete and is now due tomorrow. Why? Why can't I stop procrastinating? Why am I always behind? Why am I so easily distracted? Why can't I focus on the work? Is it a dangerous malady or is it just laziness? Is it a genetic trait or is it some learned method? I imagine how much more I could have done with my life if I had avoided so much distraction. I am disappointed in myself for succumbing to the Internet, music, phone calls, television, and chats. I can't believe how much time I have wasted just being pitiful. I think drinking would have been more effective than all the time I have wasted.

I guess the main reason I procrastinate so much is because I feel this innate fear of approaching death. I have always struggled to see the point to all the pressure I put myself under, all the undue stress. I know that if I decreased my crazy procrastination the stress level would decrease dramatically, but I worry first about living and then about the things that need to be done. Unfortunately, I have recently forgotten how to live, and all I do is worry myself until it is so late that I cause more worry. I have so many pitiful cycles: depression, procrastination, ignorance... When will I break all the cycles? When will I be freed for real?

I had a temporary freedom this weekend. I avoided all my problems and put them aside for awhile. And that sort of helped me get through it. But now I feel so much regret, guilt, and stress. I need to stop. I can party hard, but I also need to study hard. And yet in all of this I need to relax.

I see so many people living such seemingly simple lives. Are they all just good actors, hiding their stresses within? Or are they truly less stressed out than I am? What is the secret? How can I live the life I want to live without killing myself either through depression or chronic stress? What is the answer? Or is there one?

"TiK ToK" - Ke$ha

Careful, Carefree, Care

The past twenty-four hours have been thought-provoking and incredibly self-introspective.

It all began with the before party. The awkward trivialities. The special fancies. And the beauty of the place muffled by all the discomfort and exclusion.

The dance. Continued awkwardness. Continued exclusion. Hopeless at times. Then the play "Gasolina," finally a song I can enjoy. I break out of my shell. I dance without a care for what people think. I forget all the judgements. I forget the exclusiveness of the Asians. I forget the awkwardness of the random people I see or my date. I forget the feelings of misery, self-pity, and loneliness. I just dance. "Good Girls Go Bad," "Whatcha Say," all these songs just make me feel free for those moments of pure joy. I forget so much pain. I forget so much by just dancing. Lady Gaga makes so much sense.

The after party. Thank god. Relaxation. Slight pain from dancing. But free. Free of fear. Free of discomfort. Surrounded by friends. Warmed with light-hearted conversation, Taboo, and apple cider. The songs play, but I am no longer in the heat. I am on the sofa. Being myself. Being happy. The stresses of life disappear. And I can BREATHE. I can be ME. I don't pretend to be someone who I am expected to be. The expectations fly away. The fears melt. The judgments disintegrate.

I felt free for the first time in so long. I felt relieved from all the worries. I felt the stresses crumble. I felt happy.

I guess I just need to stop engulfing myself in so much stress at once and give myself time for the good friendships that bring me so much euphoria. It's SENIOR year, and I need to enjoy it. I need to abandon all the stupid worries. I need to focus on what really matters. Friends, family, class president, college apps, and most of all pure enjoyment. I am here now, and who knows what will happen in the next few months. I will cherish these moments so deeply.

And I'm going to stop being so cautious. If you are always careful, you will never be freed. If you are always afraid of risk you will never learn. If you are afraid to step outside your comfort zone you will never know what more you can be.

"Careful" - Paramore

Thrill

I awoke groggily at 5:30, and quickly annihilated my alarm. Then I woke up from my Dad surprised that it was 6:00. My heart raced. I had to take a shower, eat, prep for school, make my lunch, and get there by 6:30. And I didn't. I didn't even get to where I needed to go until 6:45. But that's life. Then I set up for the assembly, barely awake. I continued to tread lightly through the day, unable to really comprehend it all. I couldn't appreciate the small wonderful moments. But I tried. I was happy today. I felt satisfied that we had a wonderful spirit chair. I was astounded by our class spirit. And we dominated the competition, culminating in the "check" made on butcher paper. But it was quite the euphoria. Engulfed in the spirit of the Senior section, surrounded by the excitement of my friends, discussing the hot topics, drinking Naked juice, and eating fatty food.

The life we live in can be appreciated. I feel exulted. I need to balance my time better, but I am approaching a greater balance. I am figuring out how to organize it all. And this offers me hope for the next few weeks when I need to crack down on college applications.

Life is crazy, but I don't want to ride the lazy river. I want to go on the crazy roller coasters because after all the trauma there is so much thrill and satisfaction. It may be more dangerous, and it may be harmful in the long-run, but if I just worry about living a long, yet mediocre existence, then I will probably be ironically hit by a truck. Death is scary. And i know I don't want to live in fear of it, so I must find happiness in all of life. Misery should not overcome me every waking moment of the day. And in the complex and frustrating times, I need to learn to handle it all.

To top it all off, I had an amazing week and it all culminates in a super dance tomorrow. I am so excited. All the drama is over. All the stress is receding. And tomorrow, the only stress, the only drama will be muffled in the excitement of homecoming. It's that beautiful time in fall when this dance becomes so marvelous. All the tension of asking that one girl. Hoping that it will all work out well. Learning to break from past mistakes. But most of all having a blast!!!

"Homecoming" - Hey Monday