I Thought....

When I started university, being honest to everyone about myself and opening up to friends, I thought everything would improve. In some ways life became incredibly better. I no longer struggled with procrastination, and I have succeeded academically. I am accomplishing many things, yet I feel so unfulfilled, so unhappy.

I thought that my friendships would strengthen, but it seems like they are all falling apart. My best friends are so distant either literally or figuratively that I feel like I have no friends. I have plenty honestly, but I have no one I trust.

I feel so alone right now. This sinking feeling reminds me so depressingly of my life last year. I thought I had moved forward and changed as a person, but I am struggling in so many ways. I thought that becoming more self-aware would improve my self-esteem, but I seem to be imploding this week. I have fallen on the same path that I always have been on and I haven't been able to avoid it because I am surrounded by the same people and the same things all the time. I need to escape Washington and discover what truly matters to me, but I don't think I'll be happy just by escaping. I am so frustrated with life right now, but as much as I want to see people, I am desperately needing to figure out myself right now.

What's wrong with me?

"Home" - Ellie Goulding

Stale

I am overwhelmed. I am fearful of what has become of my life. I thought my life was better. I thought that everything was going swell. I have had everything together. I achieved that 4.0 grade point average this quarter, joined those three clubs, developed new relationships from diverse backgrounds, and ran every weekend consistently. This quarter I have been in control and I have done a fine job.

Yet I feel so empty inside. My life is no longer vibrant.

Just look at what makes up my life:

I sleep. I go to class. I complete schoolwork. I study. I go to a club meeting or event. I run. I meet up with friends. I am disappointed with my life. Sure, I have accomplished stuff. I have gained new skills, but I feel like I could be so much more. On the inside, I feel vacant.

Today, I went sliding down the gorgeous slopes in Snoqualmie Pass. The beauty of the mountains immersed me, lit with sunshine and sprawled with snow. There is magic in the mountains, in the way the light reflects off of the crystalline fields of white. I pick up an inner tube, and race towards the slope, diving downward. Snowflakes fly into my face and a smile widens across my mouth. I am immersed in joy, yet at the end of it all, even though I am surrounded by some of my best friends, the people I am most comfortable around, the people I am most happy to spend my time with, I am not bubbling with enthusiasm.

I have one friend in particular whom I feel particularly disconnected from. I am so afraid of losing my friend. Actually I feel like I am losing most of my friends. The friends who did not join me at UW are distant and difficult to reach, while the friends who are within feet of my presence seem just as dislocated. Loneliness sinks in my soul. It’s not extreme, but it’s been building up. I feel so alone and disconnected from my friends, and gradually feeling like my friends are slipping away from me.

Friendship is marvelous, but there comes a point in time when it can become stale. I believe that I have reached that point, but the problem is that I don’t know if it is my friends or myself. I feel bland, but so do my friendships. I don’t want to be dull and boring, but I don’t know how to have fun. All the years of depression murdered my happiness. I am strong enough to be happy now, but I just can’t seem to be happy. Every time I try to be happy I feel fake. Every time I try to have fun, I feel unreal. Every time I try to enjoy my friendships I feel insincere. I am saddened by this turn of events. I want to hide and runaway from the monster I have become. I have no one to talk to. I have no joy anymore and I hate it.

I want to be happy, but I have forgotten what happiness is.

"Human" - Ellie Goulding

Completion

I avoided writing on this blog for a while, partly because I was distracted with Nanowrimo, and because I was trying to reflect on the purpose and meaning of this blog. What makes this blog worthwhile? Why do I write on this blog? Is anyone listening? Should I write my ideas more publicly on a Facebook note or less so in a private journal? These questions have all led me to this inevitable conclusion: it really doesn't matter. I can blog or write diary entries or public notes of Facebook, but in the end it doesn't truly matter. The person who will read this is me. I look back at my blog and I become aware of how much I have grown. It marks each precious day of my life, and I can do that in many media, but the blog is the one I will stick with for now. I know that some of my friends have abandoned, closed, or forgotten their blogs. I started because of these friends, but I continue for myself. I don't mean to be selfish, but this blog has evolved from a way for me to speak to my friends in desperation under a secret cloak, to a journal recording my life. It is now more of an autobiography just like the novel I wrote started as. However I fully expect this blog to evolve even more. My unnamed novel began as a virtually literal autobiography depicting what was going on with me during my most tumultuous teenage years, yet it became a story full of adventure, love, and drama. So I will accept wherever this blog takes me and wherever I end up in life.

December began today with warmth (oh my god it is so hot in all the dorms...) and sunshine sprinkling the sky. I woke up rather late, but I adjusted, showering faster and efficiently conducting my morning routine. I enjoyed a luscious strawberry banana Odwalla and then rushed off to my environment class. Oddly enough my environment class covered almost the exact same topics as my wildlife class about landscape ecology and technologies used to monitor wildlife populations. Perhaps it was because I was awake today in class, but I was engrossed in conservation planning tools like GAP analysis and SLOSS reserve designs. Later I worked on a poster about electronic waste for my environment class and I was so excited to create a poster for the first time.
The day carried on with the Hanukkah festivities by Hillel and Chabad. I hung out with some enjoyable friends as we lit the candles and spun dreidels. I really enjoyed being immersed in my Jewish culture and as uncomfortable as it makes me sometimes, I was proud to participate in something relating to my heritage. This was followed by an excursion to the "Honors" dessert contest, which was mildly delicious. I then enjoyed some German chocolate, free pizza, and apples to apples at my Young Democrats meeting. My day ended with a phone call from a good friend, and I just hope everything goes well, but it sounded good for the most part. This has been such a wonderful time today, and I am exhausted beyond my wits.

The craziest thing is that last year I remember dreading every day. I used to wake up and force myself to get up. I would look constantly at the clock in class, waiting to escape my misery. Instead of trying to escape misery, I am now just living. I don't necessarily feel happy, but I'm not unhappy! It's such a glorious feeling to not be unhappy. Contentment pulls the corners of my lips apart and a smile is spreading across my face. Life is improving every day and I know it will only get better.

A few lessons I have learned:
- I need to be more fun, playful, lighthearted, amusing, whatever you want to label it
- Accept myself for who I am; this may be my only obstacle to happiness
- Be more social and less afraid of what people will think
- Solidifying or crystallizing my values if fundamental to my overall happiness

"Be My Animal" - The Good Natured

Awesome song that makes me dance!

Bhy Kracke

Yes, that is a real title. Today, on a rare, beautiful sunny day in Seattle I traveled to Queen Anne to this park called Bhy Kracke Park, hidden and less well-known than most parks in the city. My goodness this viewpoint was so empty besides one couple, yet it had such a spectacular vista of Seattle. I warmed myself underneath the sunshine and listened to wonderful music. I felt so happy in that moment. I think life is going to be good even after all the craziness this week.

Here's a song to remark on my love for this world:

"Your Song" - Ellie Goulding

On a Balcony in Waikiki

I am sitting upon a balcony in the middle of Waikiki the bustling tourist center of Honolulu. It is exciting like New York City, tropical like Miami, luxurious like Los Angeles, and has the flair of Tokyo with all the Japanese influence of this place. The ocean is ahead of me it goes on for miles seemingly never ending. It is a thrill, but being here, away from all of the stress of college, and the craziness of my life in the interim has been rejuvenating.

Unfortunately the circumstance for why I am here is less than ideal. My grandma’s passing away has really made me think about how much she lived through and how important it is for me to carry on her legacy on Earth. I pray that she has found peace after her meaningful and wonderful life. It is weird for me to think that she is gone after seventy-seven years on this Earth, but I am amazed by what she has gone through and it inspires me to lead a more meaningful life. I went to the service today and thought a lot about what my Grandma meant to me and how I should live my life in her footsteps. She cared so much about other people and I hope that I can be like that. I hope that I can do something that will really make a difference in the lives of others and make me feel good about what I am doing in the world. I will admit that I want to feel good about myself; I want to be happy and I do not believe that is a sin. Likewise being in the church was a powerful and daunting experience for me. I felt so pressured to behave a certain way and I hope that what I do in life will serve God. I believe so strongly in my faith more recently because I have realized that God is really present in my life. I hope that my grandma has found peace with the lord.

I have thought a lot today about my life. I have thought so much about what I want to do with the rest of my life as people ask me, “What are you majoring in?” or “What do you want to do?” I feel so overwhelmed by these questions. I wish I was like my aunt and knew I want to be a doctor, so set in stone and secure. I wish I was passionate about some science like my grandpa or uncle. I wish I could be satisfied with a simple job like working at a hotel or some sort of business. Alas, I am not secure in these ways. I don’t have that passion for such a particular field, nor am I flexible enough to do whatever comes my way and accept it. I am picky and yet I am hoping to do something without a clear path. I guess I will just need to be more flexible, but flexibility is key in life. If I can deal with what is thrown at me through every twist and turn, and make the most of it like my grandma, I can really make the most of my life.

While I am sad today and grieving my loss I am also inspired by the life of my grandma. She went through incredible struggle, yet enjoyed incredible wonder in her life; it is my goal to continue to make the most out of my life while I am privileged to have it.

Halloween: People and more People

This Halloween was a tough day. I ran for so long today, farther and faster than I have ever run in my life. I guess I ran about 3.3 miles straight and completed another 1.5 miles after a brief respite to soak in the glorious sunshine at Gasworks. This city is so beautiful and it gave my soul some comfort as I deal with all the events of this weekend. I ran to deal with my sadness.

I feel so alone here in so many ways, yet I don't really understand why this is. I am surrounded by good friends. I have so many people I can meet here, yet I feel so uncomfortable around them. In essence there are four problems I am having.
1) Same people: I am meeting the same people from high school and spending so much time with them. This isn't bad necessarily, but it makes me feel like I am stuck in high school, and I hated that experience so much.
2) Fear: I am so afraid to do so many things. I fear drinking alcohol. I fear going to frat parties, or any party for that matter. I fear even talking to certain people (actually most people for that matter). I fear even going to the IMA to work out. I fear what people think of me. I fear being an outcast. I feel so abnormal here, and I am tired of being a loser. I want to just fit in and be myself, but I fear what people will think of me all the time.
3) Closed identity: Being locked in my past identity sucks. I want to be open and honest with everyone, yet at the same time I don't believe that I can do it. I am so afraid of what people will think of me. Yet when I get past the barrier of my identity I can suddenly trust people and be so much more open with them. I feel like I can't be friends with people easily unless they know me for who I am. I wish I understood this better, but I don't.
4) Lack of motivation: People here are fascinating, but you have to find them. It is such a challenge. I mean this evening I actually talked for an hour or two to people down the hall, but it was a rare experience. I feel like most people here are uninspiring and disappointing. So many people here conform with the party scene. Most people seem to be so satisfied with being drunk. People here care so much about good grades, but nobody seems to see a bigger picture. There is so much out there in the world, inspiration, challenges, hope, wonder, but nobody here seems to see it or care that much. Even the people I thought who would care seem so dismal.

I just want to find my niche here. I want to make close friends like the ones I already have. I want to find love. I want to fit in. I feel so alone. I wish I could enjoy football, alcohol, parties, etc. like everyone else seems to here. I know there are different sorts of people here, but I have not found them yet.

My grandmother inspires me in so many ways. I will miss her dearly, but her passing away also sparks my spirit. I am reminded of all the struggle she went through coming to this country. I realize that I should stop hating this place as much as I do. Instead I should work hard to make the dreams I seek for myself and the rest of my fellow Americans possible. I will work doubly hard tomorrow to support my state senator and senator the next two days. I will focus and study like crazy for my midterm. I will revise my essays and put my soul into my ideas. I will work hard and make a difference in the world for people like my grandma. She made it here, but only after incredible effort. I will try my best to reflect her efforts through my own. I will do my best and that is the best I can do to remember my amazing grandma.

Thank you God for allowing me to know my grandma for these past 18 years. Rest in peace June Shizue Pong. I love you and miss you.

"Runaway" - Devlin ft. Yasmin



This song captures so much of what I feel right now.

So Here We Are

The past two days have been long and exhausting in ways that are difficult to describe. I haven't had enough sleep recently. I have been somewhat behind and overwhelmed by homework and campaigning. I have been doing so many social things, and today I was really feeling worn by all the socialization.

Yesterday was a yucky morning filled with lecture and rushed academics. Later I went with a friend who doesn't know me entirely well to the city to develop my film and visit some sites. I loved the view from the water tower at Volunteer Park, and I felt inspired by the glorious sunshine across the city of Seattle and the surrounding metropolis. The leaves are changing color and in the sun the colors are incredible. Later on I tried some salted caramel ice cream and pear sorbet at Molly Moon's ice cream and it was quite a treat.

My social outings continued as I ate a rushed dinner and then watched a movie with more friends. The film, Winter's Bone, was dark, dramatic, and thought-provoking, so I really enjoyed it. I went to sleep late, woke up early this morning to run with a friend, and then studied with a friend the rest of the afternoon in my favorite study cafe. For the most part I was depressingly unproductive. All the time with my friends was great, but I felt exhausted from it. I talked to my friend about how lonely I feel despite having all these friends amongst me. My mood started to sour internally. I stopped being my friendly self. Now I sit in a coffee shop on Capitol Hill alone and away from all my friend and the people at college.
I just don't feel like I fit in with everyone at UW. A friend asked me to go to a frat party, but I was uninterested. I don't want to drink and party. I don't want to go to all these costume parties. I don't want to smoke hookah or spend all my time working out at the IMA. I love my friends, but they all seem to be so bored. Plus I am frightened by many of these experiences as stupid as it may seem. I just feel so uncomfortable with parties, drinking, or even working out at the gym.
I want to explore the city. I want to go on adventures. I want to eat delicious food. I want to discuss complex topics from class and go to thought-provoking museums and sites. Maybe I am the only one like that in the world, but I hope I find someone who shares my interests, a companion who I can really spend time with for the rest of my life (in the long-term.... I don't necessarily need this now). So in the meantime I will try to enjoy life in the moment and love all that I love by myself.

In the meantime, I just found out that my grandma passed away. She was so inspiring. I feel like I have lost a part of me. I don't really know what to think. I can't really comprehend it all. I am in shock. I just hope she has found peace.

"So Here We Are" - Bloc Party

A Little Lonely, A Little Hopeful

This morning I finally woke up with a somewhat positive tilt for the first time in years. It was a weird feeling. It wasn't like I woke up thrilled. But I just woke up 51% happy and 49% unhappy. It was that little bit of happiness that just made it so surprising. I don't really remember when I last woke up happy, but this was an incredible start.

After that relief, I took my shower. I dreaded the communal showering concept at first, but it's really not all that bad; I've just gotten used to it. Same with dorming. It's all well and good here and thankfully I have a tolerable roommate. Still there are the occasional conflicts, but otherwise life is basically quite peaceful.

Class today was sort of drab. I basically slept through my lecture on bats, but I participated almost a bit too much in our discussion of populations and carbon legacies from human reproduction in my lab section. I was a little disappointed in my quiz section by the lack of motivation in my group. People here seem to shrug off academia as if it is a sin. I feel like I can't be myself with my passion for learning because people think I am being stuck up or condescending. I just love to discuss things that are complex, and while that may be a little elitist, it's just who I am.

I later phonebanked for Suzan Delbene. I am starting to tire of politics, but I guess that means I've been diving deep into something I love. I have done so much, I'm guessing I've done twenty or so hours of volunteer work for the Democrats, and I hope that it ends up benefiting progressiveness. I'm exhausted, but I love it. I really need to work out and keep my life in check, but I am searching balance. I ate well today, a delicious pupusa at this lovely place a block from my dorm and pappardelle for dinner with actually tasty kale. I love it when food actually tastes delicious. There is plenty to look forward to in the world even if I feel so alone at times. It's weird how when you are around the people you love you actually feel less loved. But I will find more to love, more love, and love all around.

"Further" - Correatown

Excitement, Hope, OBAMA

I feel energized tonight. Tomorrow I will be volunteering at the Obama rally and I get reserved seats at the rally in the stadium. I am so thrilled! This is going to be one of the greatest events I have ever witnessed. I don't know what to expect, but I will be happy to just see the president in the same room as me. Wow, in less than 12 hrs. I will be listening to President Barack Obama speaking. I just can't believe it.

"Fired Up? Ready to Go!" - Barack Obama

Me the Machine

Get up. Run. Grab bookbag. Ride bus. Study. Study. Study. Study. Break. Study. Study. Study. Study. Break. Study. Study. Study. Ride bus back. Eat. Study. Study. Study. Study. Study. Breathe. Study. Study. Study. Sleep.

Wake up. Eat. Go to class. Study. Study. Go to class. Go to next class. Eat. Study. Study. Doorbell. Doorbell. Doorbell. Hello, I'm here asking for your support of our state senator, Randy Gordon. Thank you. Have a good evening. Ride car. Eat. Study. Study. Study.

Now I'm here. Exhausted. Sleepy. A machine.

Good night.

"Wonderful Life" - Hurts

This Day

This week has full of craziness. I devoted more time to the Democratic Party, campaigning for Patty Murray. Another day I learned about geoengineering from a renowned scientist from the University of Calgary. On Thursday I got payed for participating in a research project on water rights auctions in the Yakima River Valley. Friday was spectacular. I dressed up in my classy purple and gold tie and went to an early morning lecture from Bjorn Lomborg. He was really interesting and it was cool to have a famous speaker at my lecture. I then enjoyed a lovely afternoon with a good friend and chatted with my RA afterward. But the best part of this week was last night.

I spent last night with friends who I had largely abandoned last year because I couldn't handle watching their happiness while I was so morose. Finally I was honest with them. I told them the truth and opened up to them. I feel like I have become a stronger person, but also I am a more trustworthy person by opening up to them. I hope this makes my friendships stronger. I hope that I am able to rebuild all that I lost last year through my depression and closed off character.

It has been unbelievably beautiful this week in Seattle. The weather has been inspiring. It has been sunny almost every day and reasonably mild for this time of year. I have never seen so much sunshine in Seattle in October! I am thrilled. I went to the arboretum today and enjoyed the gallant trees changing color in the brilliant sunlight. This city is so beautiful and I am being reminded every day by this gorgeous city and campus that life is really worth living.

I am having such a wonderful time here. I thought in many ways that UW would be a horrible experience. In some ways it is not that great, but in every way that UW is not great, it turns out to be much better than what it seems. Like my classmates seem somewhat unintelligent at first, but when I learn about their backgrounds, I realize that they are much smarter than I ever imagined. Also I feel like learning at UW is really up to the individual. The professors and programs try really hard to make learning accessible and help expand your knowledge, but it is up to me to really make the difference. I guess every college is like that. The biggest difference I have noticed though is that my stress level is so much lower here than in high school. There is so much freedom, and in high school all the conformity was my biggest stress.

I'm free. I'm happy. It's sunny. This day is marvelous, and I hope that many more days continue to be this way.

"This Day" - Emma's Imagination

Losing Hope

I have been enthusiastic for the most part the past few weeks here at UW, but recently I have lost a lot of my hope. Things here are just more difficult than I imagined, and even though things are going great, I feel a pit of loneliness even amongst good friends, a frozen identity, and a lack of motivation.

People here are great, but you have to find them. This is not one of those colleges where students are amazingly interesting at every corner. A lot of students here merely want to party, have sex, do drugs, etc. Many students just want college to be over with. Where is the passion for learning that I came to college for? Where is the open mindedness that college students are meant to possess? I don't think it helps that I spend so much time with the same friends from high school. My friends just don't care about learning as much as I do it seems. They treat their classes like porcupine needles stabbing their happiness. I love to learn, but I don't feel like I belong here. I am not surrounded by the energy that I expected out of college, but I will continue to try to seek it.

Even worse here is the fact that I am stuck in this certain identity. People have their preconceived notions of who I am because I went to high school with them. I have been spending so much time with people who think I am a particular person and they cannot treat me like a new person here at this new institution. I feel like I am trapped in a suit that I want to step out of. I feel so trapped all the time. I cannot delve into my new friendships because I still have friends here who I do care about, but in a way they drag me down because I become so comfortable conforming with an identity, just so I can still have a strong social network.

The most miserable part of my recent experience has been loneliness. The clubs here have been a decent method toward combating this loneliness, but in general clubs here are not that spectacular. The weather has caused me to be a little stressed and lethargic already; I hope that it doesn't continue to make me moody and unfriendly. My struggles with meeting and befriending new people deepen my loneliness. Plus this feeling of being trapped in a box full of unenthusiasm and the same judgments makes me feel alone even among those who care and love me. Loneliness is a horrible feeling. Yet it really affects me. It goes back to those other miseries of hopelessness, a frozen identity, and dismotivation. It is a vicious, terrifying cycle.

I believe I can defeat some of these problems by challenging the sources of my struggles. I need to continue to explore this campus like I was doing earlier on in the weeks here. I felt motivated back then because I kept discovering new and fascinating things. These discoveries inspire me even the small ones. In terms of my identity, I believe I just need to open up more to people around me and trust my friends. I also need to keep an open mind about my friends, and really keep a fresh mind around new people rather than immediately judging them. Everyone has a story and it is easy to quickly pass judgment on everyone around me. The clubs are quite fine actually, and I guess it would be stupid to have so many clubs when I can't join all of them. I still need to research for clubs that fit exactly what I seek, but so far my three clubs are really good starts to my year. There is little I can do about the weather, but I can find exciting things about this campus and city that transcend the climate. Basically I need to continue working hard, exploring, opening up, etc. I really just need to stop hiding in my comfort zone if I want my life to improve. I need to stop curling up in my judgments of others, assumptions of the future, and self-hatred. Tip toe outside the solid sheets of ice on the pond and test the thinner, more exhilarating ones in the center. Step closer to the edge of the cliff. Usually it's not as steep or scary as we assume.

On another note, the outlook for the midterm elections is also dragging down my mood, but next Thursday Obama is coming to speak at UW. I am hoping he will replenish my hope in this time of solemnity.

"Somewhere I Belong" - Linkin Park

Fixing People Isn't Possible

You can't change people. It just isn't possible. The only person you can possibly change, the only thing you can really make a difference in is yourself. Even then you can't change everything about yourself. But if you are like me and you like to control things, that gives you comfort, knowing you can change something.

Here at UW I find myself really concerned about the well-being of my friends. I am having a wonderful time here, but it really disappoints me when I see a friend unhappy about their experience here. I try really hard to make this place better for them, and with the understanding that they can only change their experience by changing themselves, I try to change my friends. I tell them what to do. I recommend certain modes of action. I institute plans. I guess I have forgotten to just enjoy the time I spend with friends. All the time I spend with my friends (especially one in particular) is somewhat negative and scolding. I cannot believe how accepting my friends are of my personality and character.

I think I realize that as open-minded as I have become here, I am still so afraid to step outside of my comfort zone. I still need to open up to more people. I still need to do things that are uncomfortable for me. I really need to go outside of the comfortable cushion I have created and try new things. I need to stop being so stubborn and try to follow my own advice. I need to try changing myself if I want to build stronger friendships and truly help my friends. The best job I can do is listen, help when asked, and be there for support. I cannot keep dictating.

I can do this. I really can. I just have to make the attempt to change. Here it goes.

"(Still A) Weirdo" - KT Tunstall

Ran to Gasworks

This weekend was quite solitary, but I think that was excellent in certain ways. I finished my homework at ten this evening, far earlier than I usually finish loads of homework. Plus I actually absorbed a lot of the information. My head is spinning with species diversity information and the greenhouse effect. I dove into my work, something I haven't done in years, and although it has been exhausting I feel so accomplished.

Meanwhile I explored much of the campus and the city this weekend. I ventured to downtown with some friends and ate an expensive, but superbly delicious cheese plate and duck and squash risotto at the Pink Door, that infamous restaurant in Post Alley. I woke up the next morning to run to Gasworks Park with a friend, and today I repeated that feat, although I ran about a quarter mile further and then rose all the way to the top of the hill in the park with majestic views of the skyline.

Running is such an emotional experience for me. I release all my feelings when I run. I actually cry often when I run. All the stress of my life melts out of me through the sweat of my body. I have been through a lot of emotional turmoil here at UW even though it has been a generally wonderful experience. At times I feel so alone here. It is so difficult to make friends with new people sometimes, and even more difficult to be my true self around the people I already am friends with.

Still this is really an incredible place. I feel like I keep using that word far too much, but that's all I can think of here. Picasso is coming to the Seattle Art Museum in a week! There are dozens of parks and museums here to explore! I am attending a lecture on engineering climate next week! Opportunities keep turning up and I am thrilled to be a part of them here. I truly feel like this is going to be a great experience.

"Vienna" - The Fray

Sakuma Viewpoint

Today was a gloriously sunny day in Seattle yet again. I got to enjoy such spectacular views here at the campus while going from class to class. This is truly a special location.

I began with my late morning thanks to a canceled discussion section, and started with my English class this morning. I then ran once again to my wildlife class and enjoyed some lecture about the history of wildlife and better understood how wildlife is managed in the USA. After my lecture I went alone to the Vista Cafe in the genome sciences building, which had a wonderfully short line, and expensive, but delicious sandwiches. I sat outside the cafe on a lovely balcony and soaked up sunshine. It was marvelous.

I followed this with a quick and somewhat disappointing meeting with the honors program adviser. I still don't really know what to do about the whole honors program, but I think it will all work itself out. I don't need to do the honors program at all to really enjoy all that this university has to offer, but I will likely still apply to expand my options. Following my brief chat with the honors adviser I walked in more sun to the Sakuma viewpoint before my quiz section on enviro. studies. I really enjoyed this little cove on Portage Bay. It was nice to see the boats, houseboats, and trees from this waterfront outcropping. It was a calming and soothing experience right before a rather chill first quiz section.

Classes here have been great and all my life seems to going swell. There is still so much to explore here and I feel like this is really an amazing university. Once you knock down the walls that make this place fit into a certain box, it really becomes a place that opens up to you. If you reach out your hand here, you receive a handshake, maybe even a hug sometimes!

"Oui mais... non" - Mylene Farmer

The First Day of Class

Today was the first day of classes and it was quite the wonderful journey. I met new friends, ate at new places, explored new sights, and continued to have a fantastic time here.

Here was today's schedule:
Environmental Studies: Interdisciplinary Foundations (8:30am-9:20am)
Composition: Exposition (10:30am-11:20am)
Wildlife in the Modern World (11:30am-12:20pm)

My journey from the engineering building (my English class...) to the oceanography teaching building (my wildlife class...) is ridiculous for the time I receive, but since I'm in this thing called a FIG (freshman interest group), I get to be with twenty fellow students in these two classes for the walk. I met quite a few of my classmates in this linked course and I am hopeful that this opportunity will introduce me to new people of many backgrounds and interests. I hate networking, but the classroom is the perfect way to connect with people.

I ate in the medical center, which is ginormous, and then I went to the student activities fair and was subsequently overwhelmed by the monstrosity of clubs. All these clubs were crammed underneath this giant tent even though it was completely dry and sunny (did I mention that the weather here has been like creme brulee recently?). I only received a few club fliers, so I will be spending some time there tomorrow as well hopefully.

Later in the evening I received a free (yes, FREE) bbq from the Hillel and met several fellow Jews. I don't know if I felt a lot of inclusiveness at this group. Although I love being Jewish, Jews can be rather exclusive and it can be uncomfortable for me considering the rest of my identity. I might still go to a few services though if it all works out. In fact, I think I will, I find that God is powerful and building a connection with God is vital.

Finally I went to the Young Democrats meeting. Although I don't totally love the idea of linking myself to a specific party, I really want to help make a difference in my community. America needs to change, and it only takes me a single inspirational video from Obama or a random non-profit to remind me how important progressive change is for America. There is so little that can happen if the Republicans retake power, especially with this virulent strain of tea party hyper-conservatism engulfing America. Alas, I will do my best to make a difference in any way I can for the better of us all.

And now I am back at my dorm. I will have to do my homework tomorrow morning now that it's late, but that's okay. I think I will try this new thing out called getting a substantial amount of sleep and being awake for class. Good night.

"Backed Into the Corner" - Amy Stroup

After the Storm, the Beginning

Class is finally starting tomorrow after this five day period of moving in and all the excitement and festivity of Dawg Daze. Tomorrow is the official start of my time here at the University of Washington, and I am dreadfully thrilled. I have an English composition and exposition class, an environmental studies course, and a wildlife course tomorrow. Lots of beginnings, lots of lecture, and lots of information. But I am anticipating the best.

Still, life has been absurd here in the past five days. So much has happened. But now that fresh start I have been seeking for so long can truly begin. Even though I have been here for over a month through academic coursework and most recently through dormitory life, I have not really begun the true journey of this university.

It's weird here. Life now happens, like it really happens here. Life keeps going, it doesn't pause here for the events that I encounter. All the emotions I feel, my friends endure, all happen while this structure of class occurs.

I have seen good friends from high school. I have seen old friends from middle school. I have met new friends. I have felt alone. I have felt surrounded by love. In the span of these five days I feel that I have already grown incredibly.

This morning, I felt life going well. My cough has subsided. My depression is fading. I am slowly becoming more comfortable with my own skin. I feel like life is headed in a good direction.

"Focus" - Emma's Imagination

Close One Door, Open Another

Tonight I finished packing all my necessary belongings for my dorm room. I had my last class at martial arts. I had my last home cooked meal. These parts of me have now been put away, and a whole new life is about to begin.

There are few times in life when we get to start fresh. Tomorrow is one of those rare opportunities. The only things I will carry with me to UW are myself, my friends, and my few belongings. I will no longer be identified by a certain list of activities, grades, or personalities. I have the freedom to determine who I want to be and live the way I seek.

This is my chance. It's not California. It's not New York City. This is Seattle, Washington. But no matter what place it is, this is my opportunity to really begin anew. No matter my preconceived notions I believe that tomorrow will be special; I am expecting the unexpected.

"The Winner Is" - from Little Miss Sunshine

Fin

Complete. Today was my final class of early fall start at UW, and I can say that this course really made a difference in my life. I learned so much about myself and I feel well prepared for these next four years. Perhaps these credits will be a hindrance in my goals for the honors program and a double major, but I believe that I can do anything. This course really helped me realize what I am passionate about, how I learn, and how I live. I realized that I really love politics, science, and debate. I realized that I am far more anxious than I first believed, that this anxiety is incredibly debilitating, and that I can actually deal with it. I realized that I am human. I realized that I need to listen. I realized that sleep can superbly improve my lifestyle. I realized how amazing this university really is. I realized how important physical health is to the rest of my being. I realized more of my fears by plunging myself directly outside my zones of comfort. I realized that being myself is crucial toward achieving my dreams. I realized that thinking outside the box and challenging my mind is much more fulfilling than accomplishing the mediocre. I realized that reality does not have to be miserable. I realized that life is full of possibility.

The past few years have been such a frustration for me. I guess the best way to picture the image in my mind is to see the silversword plant. These plants grow for five to twenty years and then bloom dramatically. However soon after they bloom they shrivel, die, and rot away upon the mountain slopes of Maui and Hawai'i.
Likewise I found myself growing, flourishing in my childhood. I loved being a kid. I was so carefree and I was insulated from the pains of reality. Suffering never touched its cruel hand on my innocence, yet I bloomed because of my awareness of reality. I knew so much about this world when I was a young adolescent. I could name all these places like clockwork. What's the capital of Antigua and Barbuda? St. John's, duh. I excelled in school and that was the only world that mattered.
Eventually I peaked. I had my bar mitzvah, impressing all those who I sough approval from, my family, clergy, and friends. I was on television for my passion and my brief foray into fame intoxicated me with arrogance and insecurity. I never could feel confident of myself after failing to win the state geography bee the following year. I started to veer off my protected, straight, focused path as I began to realize that perhaps I am not that special.
And when the glory of my television debut wore off, I had nothing left. I know what it is like to be a celebrity. You believe that everyone loves you because they want to be your friend, have your autograph, meet you. People admire fame. I definitely have been one of those people for most of my life and I still struggle with the whole idea of being happy without recognition. I have always needed someone to prove that I should be satisfied with my life whether through the affirmation of my friends or a high grade in a course. After my early bloom I began to falter even more as freshman year convened. I received my first imperfect grade. I received my first chaotic foray into romance. I began to question myself and lose faith in myself. Each year life seemed to get worse. I sought excuses. I blamed the dreary skies and my family. I hated myself so much because I did not understand all these crazy feeling I felt. I wanted love. I wanted caring. I didn't know any way to earn that without showing off. I didn't know any way to be loved without a television camera or a newspaper article. I didn't really understand what love was.
I kept doing it. I kept trying to find love through superficial means. I thought I could find friends by trying to fit in with the high achieving crowd. I realize know that I didn't need to prove I was smart enough to be friends with these people. Luckily I managed to make friends who were so much wiser, friends who didn't strive to live this world of perfect duty.

Life was once so simple. You keep growing and growing and you blossom. But how are you supposed to grow again? I only have relocated a few feet away from my originally spot, but I will be moving to new soil, fresh ground, a place where I can thrive. If I sink my roots into this magical college making the most out of this extraordinary experience I can blossom again.

But this time I won't be an annual, I will be a perennial. I will not blossom and die. I will blossom and keep blossoming.

In this new year of 5771, I believe that I will take a new look at life.

5770 had these goals: harmony, spontaneity, understanding, rapport, purpose, and progress

I think that 5771 will have new goals.
Love love. love. love. this is such a meaningful word, but it is so important to me. With love we can truly care about people. With love for our friends we can build beautiful relationships. I hope to find that one true love and to allow love to enter my heart. I want to also love myself. I want to be able to love who I am in all its entirety. Love makes us human.

Passion the one characteristic of people that really benefits you in anything. Passion can spark so much in people and I have a passion that needs to be vitalized. Passion is the most important part of life. Passion leads to love. Passion leads to success. Passion is about the heart. With passion we can do anything and be anyone.

Exploration with a free mind and an open heart I can grow empathy and live a life full of wonder. There is so much out in this world that only requires some exploration. With open-mindedness we become better people, more aware of this brilliant universe that God created.

Balance this is similar to harmony. I still believe that balance and harmony are so important to every human. We all need to maintain a sense of moderation to really be good human beings. We cannot be too much of anything without becoming incensed. Balance is necessary for survival.

Joy not just happiness, but pure and wonderful joy. I believe I have discovered contentment. I have recovered so dramatically by coming to terms with my identity and my life challenges. I believe there is so much happiness out in this world and through laughter, hope, and true, amazing joy we can remind ourselves of the glory of this planet.

Trust this is the final piece of my puzzle, I think, for this year. Trust is about having faith in family, friends, myself, and God. I need to trust my loved ones and believe in them. With trust you can build stronger relationships. With trust in myself and God's plan for me I know that all will be well and is well-meant. Trust and faith are the key toward happiness.

With these new goals I am not setting my life up for a certain image necessarily. These are broad words with many meanings, but I am not calling for achievement. I am calling for happiness. And instead of demanding my life's progress I will allow life to lead the way. I am here and I believe that all will be well. This new mindset is about letting go of the past, accepting the present, and thriving in the future.

"For the First Time" - The Script



A song of hardship and hope.

False Self-Confidence

Today I tried to figure out why I do things the way I do. I realized that I basically have some very simple repetitive patterns that lead to my high anxiety and stress, along with my success in some ways.

I am driven by a need for approval. I need to be given a stamp of approval from my teachers, parents, peers, friends, etc. in order to feel content with myself. This has basically led to all my problems with myself and my low self-confidence.
At the same time this desire for approval helped me succeed. It enabled me to attain my high grades, get into colleges I sought, and fulfill certain goals. I needed some sort of proof from people I trust to feel like I was worthwhile.

My teachers needed to give me positive feedback if I wanted to be happy; I would actually cry during most of high school anytime a teacher gave me the slightest negative comment, even something silly like the format of a paper or telling me to stop talking too much.

In terms of friends, I always felt like I either was approved by people who knew me in middle school and understood my success without me having to explain, or I had to seek approval by proving my intelligence and ability to my friends. I would try desperately to fit in with certain friends by taking rigorous coursework, aiming for high-ranking collegiate institutions, and doing activities that would show them that I was just like them, neurotic grade-obsessed stressed out students.

I even became class president in a way fulfilling the ultimate conformist dream, approval from peers. Yet I knew something was wrong the entire time. I couldn't make everyone happy. I couldn't force it. I couldn't be desperate and cry hoping that they would change their opinions. I couldn't ask them to lower their expectations. I became engulfed in the stress and pressure to fulfill my class' expectations, or rather my expectations of what they sought. Only afterward did I realize that nobody really cared that much, and all they wanted was for me to get stuff done. I spent so much time worried about what they thought that I not only ended up miserable but I also failed to really achieve the goals I set out.

This desire to seek approval from everyone has worked in some ways, but often applying more pressure to myself only overwhelmed me. My immediate reaction has always been to seek an escape. Usually I would cry to my parents and say something highly self-critical or frightening to incite pity upon me. Towards my friends I would complain about all my stress in hope that they would sympathize with my situation. With teachers I would go after school to complain about my grades hoping they would change my mark of approval.

This has dramatically affected my life in so many ways, often horrifying. I am truly mean to some of my closest friends. I almost subconsciously assume this holier-than-thou attitude towards my friends, often telling them what to do as if I know what is best. It seems genuine and kind, but it is driven by this evil of conceitedness. My friends have been so accepting as to still deal with this annoying habit of mine without cutting me away from the bond of friendship.

To achieve my goals I always have tried harder to get things. If one way didn't work I just became more desperate, ratcheted up my stress level, and tried again. And then I would repeat. Sometimes I failed, but rarely. If you live a mindset in which you are desperate for approval you actually manage to stop caring about what people think sometimes. You become so desperate that you do things that will hurt you in the long-run but will benefit you in the short-term.

I think I have lost friends through my hostility and self-pity. I have destroyed a sense of who I am. I really hate myself because I wasn't able to achieve all these goals I set out to accomplish. But for once I am trying this new thing: being confident with who I am. I am able to finally accept myself for who I am. This summer I opened up the gates of love that I have denied for years. This early fall start I began to open up my eyes to different ways of learning that don't depend on stress and approval for motivation. I realized that the only person in many ways who determines my self-confidence and happiness is me. I don't need someone to give me an A, positive feedback, a vote, an offering, a friendship, anything to be happy. I need to be happy with who I am to be happy.

I wish this was the simple answer to everything, but it isn't entirely. This whole path is complex. But I think I am going to stop trying to look at everyone else paths so much and start focusing on my own path for a while. I think it's still important to pay attention to people around you, but it's stupid to try to follow the footsteps of all the people who matter in your life. You have to do what matters to you. You have to live the life you want to and are meant to live. You have to recognize that some people live different paths, and even if the grass seems greener on the others side, you have a path that is meant for you, nobody else. Likewise nobody else's path is yours.

I am going to "try" to change. I'm not going to force myself to change. I think I am going to attempt a gentle process. I am going to remind myself to look after my mistakes. I am going to write down the stuff in my life so I can figure out who I am. I am going to just accept what happens in life and go with it. I am going to watch what I say and start thinking about my actions more effectively. But I am going to stop thinking when it becomes too much. Basically I am changing my mindset on life, and that will take incredibly amounts of effort and time. But it is so worth it to be happy.

"Radioactive" - Kings of Leon

5771

l'shanah tovah. It's now 5771, a new year. This is the most important new year in my opinion. It is the time when I can declare my sins to God and seek atonement for my wrongdoing. It is a period of ten days in which I can reflect on my life and really figure out who I am, who I want to be, what I want out of life.

I took a look at my blog back in September of 2009. Boy, I have changed. My whole life was about meeting certain dreams a year ago. This was me:

BERKELEY
CALIFORNIA
SAT
ACT
NATIONAL MERIT
GEOGRAPHY BEE
KUMON
GRADES

My whole life, everything revolved around success, accomplishment, achievement. I look back at my life and realize why I am such a boring person today. I have few hobbies because I have devoted so much of my life to achievement. Sadly I never seemed to attain all these goals I sought. Yet I am happy I failed. If I had kept doing well on that path I would stay on it. Now I am trying something different.

My rabbi's dvar was very interesting today. He told a story of a boy who broke the rules by wearing the tallit and playing the shofar to free the wandering spirits of the dead after a dream. The point was that the boy cared more about faith than the set rules of Judaism. He took a special moment and did his part to make a difference. We all have special moments of challenge in our lives. We are faced with situations and choices. We can choose to take action. Or not.

The point is that sometimes we need to take those leaps of faith. Often they disappoint us. I took too much of a leap with Berkeley perhaps. But you still have to believe fully in your dreams. Look at Anne Frank for example. She said in her book that "Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart." Yet she died. Nevertheless we have to believe in the best possibilities or we end up dying on the inside.

I have some new goals.

- take up "special moments of challenge"
- perform random acts of kindness
- get to know people better
- restore old or faded friendships
- give better hugs
- believe in something

You know what, I don't need 24hr sunshine or a new place to find a new me. I am going to be the person I want to be because I am going to believe in myself. I am going to have faith in who I am. I can do this for once because I am finally being honest with myself. I can do this because I am freed from the chains of my cycle of broken dreams. My path is now uncharted.

"Uncharted" - Sara Bareilles

Atonement

I watched Atonement the film today, finally after an entire year waiting for it to arrive from Netflix (it took awhile for it to get from the bottom to the top of the queue). It was a stunning film, rocking my emotions and making me shiver at times. The whole premise of the story is the idea of atonement.

Atonement is essentially forgiveness, but because we cannot be unconditionally forgiven by anyone (except God for some people), atonement is the best we can receive. It is a sense of acceptance of ones wrongdoing and finding some closure, a point of clarity. Briony Tallis never really finds atonement in really life, but her novel is her way to seek atonement.

This morning the police awoke me and surprised me with the news that my car had been broken into. I was in utter shock. Luckily there was little stolen except various papers, sunglasses, and some pens. They actually left all my CDs, and I guess I was lucky to have left my car unlocked by accident because they didn't cause any damage to my car itself. Unfortunately my neighbor's car was stolen in the incident, and in the end I am just freaked out a little by this whole fiasco.

Nevertheless I hope the thief will seek some atonement and return the stuff he stole. I am no criminal, but I have done many wrongs in my life. Many of the wrongs relate directly to the way I treat myself, my habits, and my self-hatred. I looked at a list of dreams I wrote two years ago. I realized how different my life is. I was saddened. I hope that I can forgive myself for failing to reach most of my goals, in fact often I am farther from my goals than I was two years ago. Some of the goals I don't care about any longer due to their inherent specificity or immaturity, but most of the goals are real and still part of who I want to be.

Today I realized just how much my life had deteriorated in the past two years, and it will take a lot of hard work to return back to the position I seek. I am playing catch up here, but the first step toward realizing my dreams is to forgive myself for failing in the past. I need to grant myself some atonement.

"All You Wanted" - Michelle Branch



old music :P

Self-Confidence through Humiliation

I had one of those days again. I was stressed I guess, or at least according to everyone in my seminar. Yet I think I had a breakthrough. I realized as I got flustered unsure about my topic for my essay on China and global warming that I was merely freaking out and not fulfilling anything out of it. Perhaps my wording came across as more stressed than I actually was, but I have this tendency to become really flustered if I don't have a strict set of rules or direction. I rarely take risks and often I brake hard rather than see if I can withstand the force of impact. But all the tread has worn off and now I need new tires. Suddenly as I turned red I realized that the key to success would not be more questions, queries, stresses, complaints, or laments, rather the way for me to achieve my goals was to stop thinking. I think a lot. I love to think. I need to just focus my thinking on what needs to be done at the time I need to do it.

So after my fit of frustration and stress I sat down and read materials, engorging myself in articles and policy papers. I found so much information, and I felt exhausted after finding about fifteen articles and reading the Chinese White Paper policy on climate change. I still have so much research to do, but I was amazed at the amount and depth of learning I was able to capture. I realized that I cannot be so stubborn. I have to open myself up to other people's ideas. I have to take a backseat sometimes. I cannot lead if I am lost. I cannot pretend to find a direction when I cannot walk. The point is that I have spent my whole life needing to know exactly what to do, where to go, how to get there. Now I am realizing that the real feats of life are those times when you get lost and figure out how to find your way. I don't like it one bit; this confusion makes me incredibly uncomfortable, but this is part of college, learning about myself, learning how to adapt, learning how to be a thinker, a learner, a leader.

I feel like a baby here at college. The level of learning is unprecedented in my life. I love it. I love getting lost on the library's database. I love how I can go on a trip with the dorm to the Seattle Art Museum and just get lost in the city. I think the whole point of freshman year is exploration. The premise is that you can get lost and with the help of all these new people, new teachers, and new ideas, you can discover your path.

I received an e-mail from a professor from a class in my autumn quarter. It suddenly came to my attention that this class will be much more difficult than I first assumed. Nevertheless I am incredibly excited for this opportunity. I get to participate in so many activities and really immerse myself in the most urgent environmental priorities.

I knew that UW would work out. I just needed to get here. If only I could move in sooner! I'm already overwhelmed with the workload, but I LOVE it. I was so exhausted from homework last year, but for the first time in so long I am being forced to really think (and I'm not depressed while trying to do so).

Life is going swell. I am actually facing my fears. I am actually defeating my obstacles. I am incredibly proud of myself in an odd way despite all the embarrassment I feel. Somehow the UW has improved my self-confidence through humiliation.

"Katy on a Mission" - Katy B

60 Miles of Books

I am loving my time here at UW. I keep surprising myself with how much I am enjoying it. At times it is a little stressful being so independent and having to seek out opportunities, yet at the same time I am really growing out of my shell.
Today in class we split into small groups and I was completely embarrassed by myself. My fellow classmates mentioned that I was stressed out, and I just started laughing rather hysterically in front of everyone. It was incredibly awkward and I don't even know why I reacted in such a weird way. The room was silent and everyone stared at me as I started to turn red. Although I was chagrined, I also felt I was able to realize something so intrinsic in my behavior. I have a particular habit of worrying, and I need to be more aware of how I exhibit my anxiety. The best way to tackle the problem of my stressful nature is to reduce the stress itself. I am very glad that I have met friends who are actually willing to tell me the straight truth, and for once I feel like I can progress in life.

I have a whole plan to reduce my stress load. It is simple.

-Aim to complete designated daily tasks (hw, chores, etc.)
-Get at least 7 hours of sleep
-Exercise 4 days of the week
-Meditate each morning
-Eat well

There are plenty of other suggestions and ideas; in the long-term I would like to find a hobby and once I am more settled in school a club. I want to devote time to simply sitting outside or exploring the city. I hope to relax with friends each day. My hope is that with these simple life changes and my new mindset of hope, optimism, and serendipity, I can reduce my stress and really find happiness and harmony. However I need to start with this simple plan.

Meanwhile, I did my fair share of exploration today. I went to the library during class and I discovered just how large the library at the university is. There are literally 60 miles of books in the UW library system! If you lined those up from Seattle those would go all the way to Olympia; quite impressive if I say so myself. There are so many resources at your fingertips and they are truly of great quality here. Not to mention that the Seattle Public Library is probably one of the best systems in the country; I really need to get that library card. I love that feeling of checking out a huge pile of books and carrying it around so full in your arms that you feel like you are exploding with literature.

After my excursion in the library, I headed to the dorm to eat lunch with friends and then had a pleasant session of "Food with Faculty." I got to meet a professor of dance and the cultural history behind it as well as my RA for this year. I really was encouraged by the friendliness of all these people. More students sat down with us, from places like Yakima, Albuquerque, and Las Vegas. The diversity of the student body here really impresses me and reminds me that everything I want can be found right here at UW. No matter how close to the valley of Issaquah it feels in maybe the weather it is so dramatically different in its culture, dynamism, and atmosphere. It feels so much more real, so much more alive, as if all the bricks have a story to tell just like the thousands of voices from this fantastically diverse set of students. I am really inspired here; I am amazed.

"Alors on danse" - Stromae



Rwandan-Belgian guy with really cool bow-ties. Life is perfect :)

The Meltdown

I have been so overwhelmed recently. Today was supposed to be simple. I was supposed to just meet a few friends to introduce a new friend to Seattle's fascinating sites. I had a pretty good time and had a fair share of laughs. I ran this morning. I made lunch.

But then my mom called me during my excursion at Pike Place Market. She was screaming into the cell and I felt so pitiful. It's that feeling of being happy on the film set and then realizing that it is all just fake as the walls hiding reality from the studio fall away. It's that feeling of finishing an amazing book and then coming back to the loud noises outside the window. I hate that feeling of reality. I have been trying to embrace reality, but at the moment I just keep crashing into reality.

I have to deal with my parents. I love them, but I just need them to come home. I need to be able to talk to them right now. I feel so pressured to be a good child sometimes, but I still never know what they want out of me. They are so lost and confused themselves that I have little faith or trust in them. It is sad. I wish I had parents I could trust and be honest with, but my parents stress me out so much.

After my mom yelled at me I just cried. I felt so ashamed. I felt my world crash into pieces. I know I need to do so many things, but I guess I just can't do everything. I just wish my parents would be more supportive rather than scold me for everything I do. I try to appease them, I try to make them proud, but I struggle so much. I just don't feel like I can make mistakes with my parents. They can be so harsh about mistakes. They worry so much. I am trying so hard to fix myself, but I feel like I can never be fixed.

It's nearly eleven and I have barely started my homework for tomorrow. I need to make some changes in my life. But I can't ever seem to change. I feel like I am trapped. I feel like I am trapped to be my parents, worried, frustrated, and afraid of everything. I feel like I am stuck being this weak, short, worthless person. I feel like I am never going to be the person I want to be. Some things can't change, but can't other parts of me change? I am just frustrated with all these miserable parts of me and the fact that I can't seem to change the habits that hold me back so much. I feel hopeless, helpless, and pathetic.

Everything is changing so fast. Friends are leaving. Family is stressed and aging. College is approaching. I am maturing and growing. Life is transforming. The world is progressing and regressing. Hope is fading. Spirit is dwindling. Autumn looms near and the dreary clouds that remind me of my depression menace me from afar. I am so scared that my life is going to fall apart. I knew that it would be tough to deal with my depression here in Washington, but I am so afraid that it will be worse than I expect. I don't know how I can handle my emotions in such familiar surroundings without the surge of energy and enthusiasm I was expecting. I am really afraid for my life.

"Franklin" - Paramore

Wow. It's Actually Happened.

I started class at UW. One of my best friends left for university across the country. It's August 29th now.

High school was such an age of simplicity. I could pretend to live in a world of childhood. I could ignore the real issues of the world, finances, occupations, networking, bureaucracy, credit, registration, the words that children don't understand, but adults use as their secret language. Now I am thrust into this crazy world, this world of adulthood. I feel so free, yet so trapped.

I can control my money, but now I cannot get what I want whenever I want it.
I can go wherever I wish, but I need to have the means and funds to do so.
I can do anything I set my mind to, but nobody is going to remind me to balance my life.
I can eat whatever I wish, but I have nobody to keep me in check for food.
I can be as clean or messy as I wish, but nobody will remind me of the status of my cleanliness.
I can communicate however and whenever I wish, but nobody will tell me when to communicate.

I am free, but I am trapped.

I love to drive to my favorite viewpoint above the Issaquah Highlands to watch the sunset. Yesterday evening was the last time I got to see that with my dear friend. We have had such a difficult relationship this summer, but I really hope that through my honesty and the short time we had to mend the broken connections that we rebuilt somewhat of a rapport.

I really don't know what to expect in this new era of my life. College. It's not at all what I expected when I first started this whole process of searching, applying, and choosing four years ago. I landed on my perfect climate in the bay area. I landed on a well-established college, known around the world. I landed on an excellent academic reputation in my field and a progressive, active culture. I landed on Berkeley for four years. Or at least that was where the ship was meant to sail.

The ship never made it there. The ship is taking port in Seattle. The University of Washington. I always imagined college being so different. Never seeing a face I know. Being in the sunlight around trees and beautiful nineteenth century buildings. Seeing faces of many cultures and backgrounds. Participating in many different activities. Discussing meaningful issues. Challenging my mind in incredible ways. Becoming the person I want to be. Living away from home.

Surprisingly I have actually, truly happened to enjoy most of these aforementioned descriptions at the UW in this past week. My brain has been stimulated for the first time in so many years. My skin was tingled by the rare sunshine and the cool mist of the Emerald City. I was surrounded by new faces. The architecture really inspired me. The city has been a fantastic adventure. I will really have opportunity here. I can really be inspired here.

I have to just free myself from all the preconceptions that prevent me from truly thriving in my environment. I don't need to be in California to really find my true self and live the life I dream. There are challenges here, but they don't compare to the challenges I would face in all the debt of all the other choices or the struggles of leaving so soon. I really will never know how different my life would be if I had the option to go somewhere else for college, but I really don't.

Sometimes we just have to allow ourselves to really accept what we receive in life. Things will change. Craziness will result. If I can just adapt and be the pliant palm in this unlikely location I can truly thrive anywhere. All this challenge will help me grow in my life, I just know it. I will trust in God.

"Signs of Life" - Andrew Belle

Panic

I have panicked a lot today and run into some awkward moments. Like this evening when I needed to do my homework I allowed my sister's whining to overwhelm me and I relented to her demands. Now I am up way past the time I wanted to go to bed at and struggling to meet all the obligations I have.

I went to the bookstore and I could barely formulate my sentence in my sleepiness. I was so awkward around my new friends today and I felt so awkward.

I really need to find some balance. Tomorrow I will have to say no to new friends just for one day. I'll have all of next week to revel in these new found friendships. But meanwhile I am just so busy and I need to really balance out my life.

Once you cover the basics, the crises seem so less critical. But right now I am running on low... so low. There is just so much mental, emotional, and physical stress on me right now and I am really overwhelmed. I just need some balance and today I was definitely out of balance.

Peace.

"I Don't Wanna Dance" - Hey Monday

Honestly How

How do you have confidence?
How do you have the self-assuredness to be honest with yourself, to be honest with the world?

I wish I knew how to do this. I wish I really did. I wish I could understand this world. I wish I wasn't made this way. I wish I could be normal like everyone else. I wish it could be easier. I wish my problem's felt more legitimate because they are so incredibly lame. I feel so pathetic. I am not sick. I am not mentally unstable. I am not injured. I am not rejected from life. I am not rejected from God. I just don't fit in with this stupid society.

It makes me feel so messed up. It makes me feel so worthless. It makes me feel like I can never follow my dreams. Do I even deserve to dream?

I still really don't know. I know that everything I am must be right. But everyone and everything in this society tells me that I am not normal. How can I be okay when the rest of the world disagrees? What am I supposed to do? I wish I could just satisfy the rest of this world, but I can't.

What do you believe in?

I believe in love. I believe in being yourself. I believe in finding God within your heart. I believe in nature. I believe in God. I believe in hope. I believe in prayer. I believe in spontaneity. I believe in life. I believe in myself.

But I feel so much that doesn't fit with what I believe in. I feel so much hatred of myself. I feel so much shame. I feel so much bitterness toward God. I feel so little love. I feel so lost.

Yet I know that in the end that God made me the way I was meant to be created. God wouldn't create people this way if they were messed up. Aren't we all created from God's image? Aren't we all children of God? God must surely make us the way we are because that is how it is meant to be. At least I hope so.

"In Your Sleep" - Andrew Belle

Forgive

Forgive.

I always forgive. I always take the blame. I always apologize. I always allow myself to suffer for the betterment of my relationships. Yet this self-sacrifice has weakened my friendships.

I spent the past thirty minutes reading my posts from last August. I have changed. I realize now how important it really is to take care of myself. I realize how difficult finances are to handle. I realize the dangers of fear. I realize the value of real self-confidence. I realize the importance of being yourself.

Like last summer there are so many things I want to accomplish, but few I actually achieve.
Like last summer I have made mistakes.

Unlike last summer I am no longer deeply depressed.
Unlike last summer I am not being dishonest to myself.
Unlike last summer I am not trapped by my dreams.
Unlike last summer I do not feel the necessity to be a part of a group.

Today I continued by free-flowing attitude toward life. I woke up and went to the bath and bodyworks. I ate a tutta bella and got a free pizza. I put the dishes away. I helped my sister figure out registration stuff.
As I helped my friend look at colleges, I felt a twang of jealousy. I wish I was in her shoes. I wish I could start the whole process of college seeking again. I have so many regrets. Looking back I know I could have done so much better with the entire application process. I only wish I had all the maturity that I have gained in the past year.

Sometimes I feel like I am in the wrong place at the wrong time. If I was able to apply to colleges again this year I would have done a much better job. I would have applied to schools that would have suited me best. Yet at the same time that whole saying of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, is just flat out wrong. Maybe it's actually that we are at the right place at the right time. Sure I would love to go to some exotic east coast school, but I am stuck with my biggest fear, the state school here at home. I learned that it is actually the fourth best college according to the Sierra Club. How cool is that? I realize that I am getting an incredible education at a ridiculous price. I could have spent three times as much to go to a top 20 college, but the quality of that education is only worth that much if I can really apply myself. Here at UW, I can find myself. I can apply myself. I can make mistakes. I can really reach for my dreams with few chains. I can make this college my own Ivy League, my own Berkeley. I have my list of grievances, but I can find ways to overcome my fears and discomforts.

So back to forgiveness. That's the whole point of this summer. I think it is all about forgiving myself for all I have been through. I need to stop moping and regretting my past. I need to forgive myself as conceited as that sounds. I need to move past my frustrations.

Likewise I need to forgive those I care about who have made their own mistakes. I just don't know how to forgive for everything. Should I be honest about myself? Should I just move forward as if nothing ever happened? Should I ever forgive?

"Your Biggest Mistake" - Ellie Goulding

A Little Lost

I don't understand why I am so difficult to motivate. I really wish I could just be satisfied with what I have. I am struggling with accepting the UW. It is really, really a great school. But I feel so lost. I feel so pathetic. What is the value of all those APs? What is the value of all those SAT practice sessions? Was all that lost sleep worth it? Was all that stress, anxiety, and hours of therapy worth this result? I nearly killed myself several times because of my stress from college. Dreams. We all have dreams, don't we? But my dream destroyed me and I didn't even get a chance to taste the fruits of my labor. Going to UW makes me feel like I have to spend another four years working on at the labor camp. This cloudy climate and these same people are just not as stimulating as I hoped they would be. I have so many doubts. I have so many fears. And I can't seem to find any inspiration. I really am frustrated with the difficulty of the class scheduling. I am frustrated by how large the school feels. I am frustrated with how unmotivated my friends are. I am frustrated by how cramped the dorm situation is. I am frustrated by how lowly I feel at this college.

I want to explore. I want to see the rest of this magnificent world. Yet I am spending the next four years of my life here in the state of Washington. And UW has the wonderful statistic that 74% of graduates stay in this state. Seriously? Only 26% leave? I mean I love Washington, but there is so much more of this world I want to see that I cannot fathom staying in this one place much longer. And with all the stress of my class scheduling I doubt I can study abroad at this rate.

I know that I will face challenges in college. I just was hoping that I could experience so much of this world and its splendor. I just was hoping to break away from all the misery that Washington reminds me of. I was just hoping to start fresh. I was just hoping to be inspired. I will have to face my fears. I will have to make the most of what I have.

It's like swimming at the lake today. If I had gone anywhere else for college it would have been like taking a nice boat or maybe a yacht across the lake. You can spend a lot of money and have an enjoyable time crossing the lake without getting cold, wet, or tired. UW is like swimming across the lake. It's challenging. It's lonely. It's affordable. It's possible. And in the end you get that feeling of exuberance and pride from having successfully accomplished such a feat. It's not as fast or fancy, but it's more worthwhile and in the end I will learn so much. I will wade sometimes, tread the water at others, but most importantly I am taking the plunge. I am going for my dreams, and if this means swimming in the frigid Lake Washington then swimming it will be.

"The Perfect Mistake" - Cartel

Letter

Dear God,

Why am I the person who I am? I am curdling in jealousy. I am writhing in discomfort and skepticism. I am cruel. I am messed up. I lack convictions. I am unmotivated. I am so fearful. I am so frustrated.

I keep wondering if this is how I am supposed to end up. I mean, dear lord, why am I this way? Am I supposed to accept who I am right now? What if I change? Can I change? Can I still try to fit into the perfect life I dream of living? Am I merely giving into my cravings?

Everything seems messed up. The things I dream about living are all turned upside down. My life. From college to love. From friendships to finances to family. I can't sleep a normal schedule. I can't seem to find the positive attitude I need for university here. I can't fit in with my friends. I can't appease my family. I can't change my grandma's illness. I can't change the things I hate about myself.

So what on earth am I doing with my life? I don't even know. What do I want? What do I seek? Money? Security? Family? Romance? Faith?

I don't understand why some of my friends seem to think its okay to totally not care about people. I don't understand why some of my friends seem to have their priorities misaligned. I don't understand why some of my friends are so self-absorbed. I don't understand a lot of the people in my life. I don't even understand myself.

I sense that I have been living too much on my emotions. I need to return out of the shadows and into the daylight of reason. I have a friend who couldn't go with me to the beach today. I felt so guilty. I wanted to make it work for my friend. But she keeps doing so much in her life and never giving time to breathe that I just can't bend anymore. I am saddened that I can't spend all the time I want with her, but I can't feel guilty all the time either. Similarly, I skipped going to my friend's concert today, if I can still call him my friend. I have other friends in that orchestra, but I just couldn't get to the concert today, nor did I desire to attend. I felt quite guilty, but the music brings me so much pain; I just can't handle it.

I really wish someone would understand. I wish my friends would accept me. I wish my friends would be able to understand me. I wish my friends could be my God, but they are not. They are human, inherently imperfect creatures. I love my friends, but I think I need to take a step back from all this friend business, really from all the things in my life that create all my craziness and spend a few days just figuring out my own life.

God, you must get a lot of crap. Everyone complains about their lives to you. Everyone seeks your forgiveness. I don't understand why I can only be atoned once each year, but that's just how you do things. I'm sorry you have to deal with all these expectations, all these pressures, and all this craziness. I appreciate you just for being alive in my soul. I guess when I spend time looking within myself I feel closer to you. That's why I need to really meditate. I need to stop spending my time on this ugly machine. I need to spend more time appreciating your glory and understanding all that makes me human, the beautiful image of you tarnished by our sinfulness.

I really feel so small and insignificant. When I saw your shooting stars in the desert I was so inspired. When I witnessed the breadth of your wonder in the cosmos I realized how magnificent you really are. When you gave me that feeling in my heart I realized that you are so much more than the creator of nature's splendor. When you created that sound at the concert and jolted my heart with the music my emotions awakened. When you fill me with guilt and shame after all my sin I am reminded of your power. You are almighty, but I am not afraid. I love you and I know that you have created me to be imperfect. At my most deep and meaningful core I know that I must trust you. I still don't understand why you allow so much evil in this world, but I guess we as humans have been left to figure out how to repair this world. I will practice Tikkun Olam as much as I can. I will look inside myself. I will tear open my soul. I will clear my mind. I will free my heart. I will allow you to enter me.

Love,
max

"The Writer" - Ellie Goulding

That California Closet

Today I cleared out my closet. For years, really since I have been a little kid this closet has been full of clutter. Today I emptied out the mess. I vacuumed the disgusting carpet. I sorted all the random stuff that had accumulated over all these years. It is really amazing what can exist in a space, or rather how much space can exist in a closet. I always knew that it was a "California closet" but today I discovered that it truly is a California closet. I had a delightful dance party in black light with my sister in the closet.

And now as I go into my room leaving my fun little closet, I see how much clutter I have to clean up in my room. I have so much clutter I have to clean up inside my room and in the rest of my life. But you can't stay inside a pleasant and clean closet your entire life. I had my fun in the closet but now I am going to put all that clutter back into my closet, neatly tucked away. I will move forward and enjoy my time in my room, and when I leave for college I will start afresh with a neat little dorm.

It really helps to clean up your life. It is incredibly refreshing to discover all that space. It is incredibly refreshing to discover even more space when you open more doors. All this freedom, what am I going to do with it?


"Colorblind" - Counting Crows